It's amazing the timing God has on things. Especially in my life lately with what He wants to deal with. For the last few years He & I have been dealing with offenses I have towards Him... & most of that has been completely surprising to me. A few years ago I dealt w/ the offense of my father dying & how I was holding God at arms length with the blame I held out in front of Him. That was finally released from my life @ a funeral for a friend of mines Mom. Then back in November I released the offense that God would never truly set me free from thoughts & feelings that stemmed from sexual abuse as a child because of the bad choices I had made throughout my life... and He did. I am totally free. It's an amazing, beautiful feeling.

Now He & I are again dealing w/ more offense. This time it's taking a longer time than I thought it would. This one is also very tender. I can only handle so much @ a time. It's kinda hard to talk about openly like this but in vague terms I am mourning the life I feel like I was supposed to have. My life was going down a path I was very happy with & then due to decisions a couple people made (myself included) all of it changed. By the time we were ready to get it back on the "right" track the world was a bit of different place for the people involved. Now it would seem pretty simple: that I only had myself to blame but that is not the way my heart has taken it on.

I hadn't even realized it but I have been holding a grudge against God for the way that whole situation went down almost 8 years ago. He didn't have to orchestrate our lives to go the way they did. If He would have taken some time to look @ the situation & how happy people were & how amazing life could have been He would have just left me alone & I wouldn't have gone on to make some of the dumbest decisions of my life.

I was listening to the song Talk Show Host by Radiohead the other day & the first thing he says is "I want to be someone else or I'll explode". As soon as I heard that line I thought to myself "SERIOUSLY". Now I have always adopted the mentality that I will not regret things in my life or events or decisions because then I wouldn't have a lot of the good in my life even if there is some bad. But lately I have had a hard time retaining that mentality. All I have been thinking about is how I may have been happier. All the things I have learned & grown in God, maybe those things still would have happened & maybe in a less painful way... if YOU would have just let it be.

All this to say I have been unpleasantly surprised in the last few years with all the offense that has been in my heart towards God. There is coming a time very soon where everything that can be shaken will be... yeah, more than it all has been already... and if we are not preparing ourselves by ridding our hearts of the offense & bitterness we have towards God, we will be overwhelmed with offense when God does a lot of things that we do not & will not understand. What's worse though is even now, we point our fingers @ a God who delights in mercy & say you are the reason why I am unhappy, you are the reason why I do not have any peace, when He is a loving a Father who delights in His kids & thinks only good thoughts towards us. In fact He says "I desire mercy & not sacrifice" (Matthew 9:13).

He desires that when we mess up, when we hold in bitterness, when we are under a cloud of heaviness, when we are completely dissatisfied with life that we would allow Him to extend mercy & more than that, that we would actually receive it. But instead, because we don't know how to receive mercy, we accuse His heart of giving us anything good begrudgingly. Because all we ingest is the world's system of love, when His system of Love is a completely different animal. His system doesn't keep a record of wrongs because He has to keep His word, but because He DESIRES so. If His desire is towards me, then why wouldn't I trust His heart to only have the best in store for me? His heart is full of desire & Love towards me... when I do not understand His methods, I need to remember I can trust His heart.

So I'm not quite to that last paragraph yet in my heart. I know it's all true but He & I are still at the place of me not understanding what the heck He is doing & because of that I am upset with Him. But we will get past it... we have before. Pray for me in this process. I am also praying for many of you to come to terms with any of the hurts you may still be harboring & unjustly accusing God of inflicting because He believes you deserve it. He doesn't. Trust His heart.

"You only get what you give..." been thinkin' about that tonight. I've been "giving" a lot of cynicism & doubt lately. Not exactly something I wanna be "getting". Looking over some areas of my life I wonder if things will change, get better, happen. A part of me thinks, why should they, why would they? And all of us have that part. But you have to be careful of entertaining that part too much. And I have been lately. I don't want to do that anymore. I wanna believe that things will get better, I won't always feel so indifferent towards my job, I will relish in the area of ministry I am in, I will again kiss someone & have someone kiss me w/ a passion that's almost frightening, I will quit worrying about whether or not my sister will finally get it together, I won't care when a song comes on the radio that use to break my heart, I will be content w/out being complacent... I will give.

Well, let's see if I start using this again. I make an effort probably about once a year... come and change things up & then never return. But I REALLY am gonna try to get back to blogging. I know how much my "reader" misses me. ;-) Life is ridiculously busy but I think if I just get through the next month/ month and a half, I'll be good to go, plus it'll be SUMMER! Or atleast it better be!

This is my 10-20 playlist. All the "mainstream" songs I loved in the 2nd decade of my life... Some I still love, some it's pretty embarrassing. Either way, here it is.

I just helped my best friend pick out the ring he is planning on giving to his girlfriend.

Weird.

In case you haven't seen this yet...

I have had 3 dreams lately... or rather, I have remembered in detail 3 dreams. That is a big deal. I NEVER remember dreams. I can count on one hand dreams that I really remember from my whole life. The first 2 I thought had no meaning and were just funny and weird. Then I talked to my mentor about them briefly, laughing them off. She thought that they could have some signifigance if I remember them. It wasn't until the 3rd that I realized they do. All 3 had to do with love, romance, and marriage. Although they are not to be taken literally. I am praying through them and really asking God to speak to me.

Ironically, I am on a fast.

I don't like that you are that good looking.

You are driving me crazy!

Stop it!

So I have been neglecting my blog over here and have become obsessed with MySpace. A lot of people from my old Bible college do their thing there so it's been fun to goof off over there. But this will always be my blog home. :) Where it all began... almost 5 years ago. Dang I'm freakin old... 5 years ago I was 17! This guy came in the store today to hit on Leonor and he was real cute and so she asked him old he was. He said 17 and her jaw about hit the floor and she was like, hun I'm 22! LOL Dang! Good Lord! Anywayz...

I other news, I kinda met someone... 4 years ago. Let me 'splain... no there is too much... lemme sum up: Met a guy 4 years ago, went on a few dates, stopped dating, last I heard he was getting married, had a kid on the way and was planning on the army. Fast forward 4 years later. Homeboy messages me online. He did get married to an older woman, had a little girl with her, is in the amry and in Korea, and is in the middle of a divorce. We start talking, hit it off, asks if he can take me out when he gets home this summer, I say yes, we have a grand old time talking and regetting to know eachother for about a month. Then earlier this week, I just had this feeling that something needed to change, or slow down or something. We talk yesterday. We both had been feeling it. We still like eachother but we both feel he needs to take care of himself, his baby girl, and just be single for awhile. So, yeah. That is that.

I some other other news... I hate people who lie. Not that that's really news. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I hate liars. But who knew that someone who calls you their best friend would hide stuff from you, tell your other friends, and you find out that way. UGH. Sometimes people just suck. This thing has totally thrown the way I see my relationship with this person. I feel like telling her youre not my friend, I dont give a flying eff, do what you want and kiss my ass. But I won't. I've already seen her twice since I've found out. I let her do all the talking though... I have nothing to say to her anymore. YOU EFFING SUCK, HO!

So yesterday was my birthday (Thanx Leonor for taking me out after work for a few drinks) but today comes the real celebration. Friends from TBI coming to hang out for the day/ night, goin to an ASTROS GAME!!!! Fun will be had. Oh, also,here's a little bit of a funny thing... my co workers got a me a build a bear for my birthday. Whats funny about it is that they know when I was 14, I begged my mom to let me have a quince (I grew up around a lot of hispanics), but she said no. I was really upset too. LOL So the bear is a quince bear named Morena! LOL They're so crazy! So, ok, got a lot to do. Peace!

So, to the 2 people, who supposedly consider me one of their best friends, yet completely bailed on me, even though I really needed them, and I'm always there for them, What I really would like to say is YALL SUCK... or no, I'd rather use different words, but I will refrain. However, I am trying to find comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around, so good for me and krap for them... BEA!

This weekend will be fun and I CAN NOT WAIT! I will be done with school for the semester, I will have Saturday and Sunday off, I'm going to an Astro's game, and some of my dearest friends from TBI are coming to spend this birthday weekend with me, and I couldn't be happier! It's just gonna be so great! :) All I need now is for the Astros to get their act together for Saturday! I don't think the Giants will be too tough to take on, but still... they better do good, or I will be on strike yet again!

But yay for friends!

So I went to the concert on Sunday and it was great. I got to the place about 7:45 and the front row was open, so I was like, shoot, why not? So I sat about 6 feet from Don who was tuning his guitar and he looks up and was like HEY! So I was like HEY! It’s kewl when someone who means a lot to you, but shouldn’t really remember you, does. So then I called Kris for a bit and she was like tell him we said Hi, so I told him “The Fives say hi” and he was like oh kewl! Tell them I said Hi! So about 5 after 8 the thing started, but it started with a guy doing a reading from a book he wrote. It sounded pretty kewl, but I forgot to take a look at it after the thing was over. So then Don started into his set which was just awesome. The first note I heard him sing I took the biggest happy sigh. Even though of course Waterdeep, and the Chaffers are my favorite ever, I forget how much I love the voices of these people. The songs were all new except a few. The one that sticks out the most in my mind is one called generous people, in which Don begins to talk about a homeless man who krapped all over his bathroom. It was hilarious, but had a great point. Don talked about Miles a lot and had a song about him that was really good. Don let us know that he was kinda wingin it that night, so I blurted out “Big Word Tyranny”, and he was like I wish I remembered that. Too bad. LOL So they were on vacation here for a week or so and said theyd be leaving a few days later than they had planned and thought doing a show down here would be neat and neat it was. ? Afterwards we of coursed made a few referrals to the crying incident, and he was happy to hear that Tom got the story on video. LOL I actually told them if they would be in town Tuesday night they were invited to an Astros game. Unfortunately they were leaving the next day. What I thought was neat is that Don actually looked disappointed… so not like I was some silly fan being too generous. LOL Oh well. After talking about 15 minutes I had to go, so I said goodnight and left with the Muncie boot and the Whole Nother Deal.

I forgot how great “At Least I’ve Got a Car” was. I listened to it probably 5 times on the way home. That’s probably the best song, the perfect song to describe my situation and how I feel. Beautiful.

Lately I have really been getting into R&B and Soul again. Like right now I am all about Joss Stone. LOVE her. You wouldn’t think a white british girl would be able to bring some serious soul to the table, but she does it. I also have been listening to some Alicia Keys. It’s been really kewl to listen to some serious woman talent.

Ok, so I just lowered a HUGE bomb on my best friend. I told Sweet I wasn't sure that I could commit to signing a lease with her for 6 months because I don't know where I'll be in 6 months. We have bought so much stuff for the house. I was her stability and she was mine. And anyone who knows me knows that stability is my #1 everything. However, when God asked me to lay everything down, I did, but I forgot to ask what he wanted me to do after I layed it all down. I know something in my life has got to change. I'm thinking Im gonna change to fulltime work and part time school. I have to make more time for church, for the ministry, for GOD. And I haven't been doing that.

I have come face to face with how crucial it is to have fellowship with Godly men and women on a consistent basis. I hate where I am at because I do not have anyone aruond me like that. I'm surrounded by people I am constantly having to take care of, help, pray for, and all that. I don't have someone building me up, or that is just agreeable. I am actually really really thinking and praying about moving. I am pretty sure that I am gonna be gone from Humble by the end of the year. As far as my move goes, I am thinking about going back to Sugarland (I love it, there's no place like home), possibly Austin, and then there's the BIG move... I am gonna go visit Christian in July in Oregon... so it's just an option. UGH... this part fo life REALLY sux right now...

On a BIG TIME HAPPY note, Don Chaffer is gonna be here in HOUSTON on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! WoO frikin HoO! So as soon as I get off of work on Sunday Im gonna go over there and smile. It's nice when God gives me little presents like that... It's my early birthday present! :)

Ok, so I've been posting little quizzes, song lyrics, and dumb krap like that for the past month because I have not been wanting to face the facts that I feel like I'm falling apart, falling farther away from me, and falling farther into a place where it's all about me.

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm frustrated with school, with work, with friends, with family, with my spiritual life, with the lack of ministry prospects, and then there's the thing I do NOT wanna admit to, because I have been doing great in this area for a LONG time and have seriously been happy... Ok, I need to stop beating around the bush and throwing out excuses. I wish I had someone. No I don't mean like serious, marriage, relationship stuff. I have just been wishing I had someone to go do stuff with. Someone to go to a movie with, go to an Astro's game with, just have fun with.

I'm going back to my stupidity again. I haven't been going to church, I have not been spending time with God, and I'm becoming more and more a mess. I know what the solution is, I just am very unmotivated to fix the mess.

I feel so effing worthless. I'm such an idiot.

:x: name = Jess
:x: piercings = Nose
:x: tattoos = none yet
:x: height= 5'5
:x: shoe size = 7 1/2
:x: hair color = almost black brown
:x: siblings = 2 lil sisters, 3 lil bro's
LAST..
:x: movie you rented = Napoleon Dynamite
:x: song you listened to = Blood on The Ground- Incubus
:x: song that was stuck in your head= Hollaback Girl - Gwen Steffani
:x: cd you listened to = Keith Urban- Be Here
:x: person that's called you = Daniel
:x: movie you bought = Under The Tuscan Sun
DO...
:x: you have a crush on some..= Nope
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = YES
:x: you think about suicide = No
:x: you believe in online dating = do I beleive in it? Like it's fictitous? or do I think it works? I don't know...
:x: others find you attractive = Yes, duh!
:x: you want more piercings = yes
:x: you like cleaning = yes
:x: you like roller coasters= LOVE
:x: you write in cursive or print =print
FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships= against
:x: suicide = against
:x: killing people = against
:x: driving drunk = against
:x: gay/lesbian = Im not against them, but I do not agree with their lifestyle
:x: soap operas = they're silly
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl = yes
:x: ever cried over a boy = yes
:x: ever lied to some= yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight = yes
:x: ever been arrested = no, almost
WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = thermasilk
:x: shoes do you wear = alot
:x: are you scared of = E.T.
Number....
:x: of times I have been in love = 1
:x: of times I have had my heart broken = 3
:x: of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? 3
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper = 2
:x: of scars on my body? 2
:x: of things in my past that I regret? 1,289,473

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: handsome/pretty = yes
:x: funny?= yes
:x: hot? = yes
:x: amusing? = yes
:x: loveable? = yes
:x: caring? = yes
:x: sweet? = yes
:x: dorky? = yes
FAVORITE:
:x: words: what?ever! benefits! Peace! Face!
:x: actor/actress: Micheal Vartan, Matthew Perry, Mel Gibson/ Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Aniston, Vivien Leigh
:x: band: Waterdeep
:x: candy: Skittles
:x: cartoon: Brak and Homestarrunner.com
:x: cereal: Cocoa Krispies
:x: chewing gum: Cinnamon
:x: color(s): Red, Black, Orange
:x: day of week: Day off, probably Saturday or Sunday
:x: jewelry: DIAMONDS
:x: movie(s): Gone With The Wind, Tommy Boy, Napoleon Dynamite, Princess Bride
:x: song: Too many to count
:x: summer/winter: summer
:x: trampolines or swimming pools: ooohh... tough! I love both

|| Friendship/Love ||
:x: Do you believe in love at first site??: NO
:x: Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: 2, 1 boy , 1 girl

|| You ||
:x: Nickname(s): Jess
:x: How old do you look? 17
:x: How old do you act? 40
:x: How old are you REALLY? 21
:x: Glasses/Contacts: neither
:x: Do you have any pets?: theyre not really mine but my dad has 2 pomeranians that are stupid as all get out.
:x: You get embarrassed: no
:x: What upsets you?: liars
|| Have you ever.. ||
:x: Thought you were going to die: no
:x: Flunked a grade: no
:x: Skipped a grade: no
:x: Told someone you loved them and lied: I didn't know I was lying

Methy... where the krap do you find all those little quizzes!??

71% (Dixie). You are a solid Southerner! And you are?

While some people *cough* methy *cough* won't admit they copied their other friends' blog's, I will... I'm a big fat copy cat but do it anyway! Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know...
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me