Tonight, Alias began it's 4th season and began it with quite a bang! I loved it. I spent the day with my best friend, Sweet, watching old seasons and catching her up on what's going on (quite a task) because she was interested in the show. She's into J.J. Abrams' other show Lost. I watched some tonight and bits and peices other times and I just can't seem to get past that there might be a "monster" or "robot" on the deserted island... sorry.
I downloaded the program Hello by Picasa for hosting pictures and have recieved NO help from their website for the problem I'm having with it. I keep getting a blank page when I go to send a picture to bloggerbot that says "a hello embedded error has occured". If you have any idea how to fix this, PLEASE let me know. Or if you know of a better way to go for picture hosting, give me a holla.
What do you think of the new template? I figured I needed something new... I don't know that I like the way the side bar is set up, but I'm just afraid I'll try to switch it around and just screw it up. Anywayz, it's better than having a halfway missing title, which I'm thinking about changing too.

So today I continued to fight of sickness and I'm glad to say I have almost won the battle. I could taste today so that was good. :) I have been thinking about what the next 5 months of my life are gonna be like and I have come up with the phrase unprecedented business. Full time job and full time school. I know I am so blessed to have both. I thank God for it. The only thing I am having a hard time with is not being able to be more involved with my church. I have always been administrating, assisting, heading up, running, preparing, doing something with the church and it has been hard not being able to do that with school and work. It makes me not wanna even go to church because I hate being a seat warmer. I'm gonna continue to go on Sunday mornings to maintain relationship with the people there I know and that way when there comes a time I am able to get into ministry I can jump right in. It's a difficult thing I have to deal with, but I'm doing what I have to do and what I know I'm supposed to do.
As it says over to your left I have been listening to U2's new album a lot lately (thank you to my sis Heather for the great Christmas gift). Some are not as thrilled with it as they have been with U2's other projects. However, I find that I like how it's not so, "Look at us; we're U2 and we're gonna just hammer you into the ground with our awesomeness." It's a lot more personal, intimate, and meaningful to me. I really like it. K-stoo from the swimteam saw it as "no earth shattering record breaking history making pop project... more personal and not meant to impress." I know I like it.

Ok so one of my New Years Resolutions is to blog more. So here I am. It was a great year! A lot of blessings! Kinda a quick run down...

January- Finished my job at the fireworks stand, opened my first bank account, and became a real grown up. LOL My best friend Christian came down from Oregon and we went to Summit together. Awesome times. Oh and I got my first cell phone!
February- Gave the truck back to my Mom, and got my own car paid for by ME! Went to find a job and got one at a clothing store in the mall where I started in March.
March- Started my job. Started REALLY praying about finding another church after having nagging thoughts for about 3 months. Saw Kenny Chesney and John Mayer in concert at the Rodeo.
April- Saw Tim McGraw w/ my sister after my girl Celeste bought me tickets to go. I also saw Waterdeep and had the best weekend with a bunch of great friends. Me and Leigh decided to start a band together again.
May- Turned 21, and left my church to attend a different one. My Dad and Shannon go there.
June- Worked, worked and worked some more.
July- Still working, went and saw Maroon5 and John Mayer- AWESOME concert.
August- Got ready to start college. Nerve-wracking, but exciting. Band had our first gig. That was kewl.
September- Started school, got more hours at work... this was a blurry month.
October- More hours at work, school was stressin me out, had a gig at my church's youth group that went awesome, and saw an ex b/f. He wanted to get back together (AGAIN!), but my common sense over ruled my heart and emotions and told him no.
November- MORE hours at work, more school work. Thanksgiving was awesome.
December- Finished my first semester, worked a lot. Christmas ruled, New Years rawked, and now here I am.

As I said blogging more is my New years resolutions. I wanna be able to look back years from now and see how I've grown, how god has moved, and of course, the nostalgia is hard to resist! :)

Things are going well here. More changes, and more things heading in the right direction. Sweet moved out last week. She moved in with her sister, who has 4 kids, and I just don't know how she does it. Would drive me nuts! But more power to her if she's happy. I don't see, or talk to her much. I think she's happy with Scott and that's about all that matters to her. Hopefully when she gets a phone I'll hear from her.

My band has our first gig this coming up Thursday. So that will be kewl. I'm excited about being on stage and singing again. I'm sure it will prove to be a good time.

I am becoming more involved with politics and George W. Bush's grassroots campaign. I signed up to be a volunteer and have been writing newspapers, and plan to call talk radio next week. Pastor Rod has put me as head of the voter registration drive we'll be doing at the church and I will be getting information about the candidates to people who are not clear on the issues, and the figures. So I am very excited about that.

I have been filling out my financial aid forms this past week for college. I'm sure It'll work out fine, but I have been so nervous, and just a little scared about this. I can't wait to really start everything with school! :)

My job is ok I guess. It's a job and I'm thankful I have it, but I am not a huge fan of retail right now. I'm good at it, but I don't wanna do it just cuz I'm good at it. I really want an office job, and one with medical and dental benefits. I think I'm gonna have to wait for that though, so I can figure out my schedule once I start school in the fall.

Sorry it's a surface catch up session right now, but I've gotta go. My wonderful job is calling my name. Peace!

I feel so alone. Completely alone. The struggles, the joys, the life I'm living: no one seems to be able to relate, understand, or remotely care (this isn't about that though). I know everyone goes through this, everyone has this phase. This segment has been going on for quite some time though. It's getting tired. I'm getting tired.

There's a phone next to me with NO ONE to call and talk to about this. There are close to 120 numbers in my phone, but out of all of those people or places that I have found worthy to take up some of the memory in my cell, no one would really truly care, or if they would care, they wouldn't be able to relate. If they would be able to relate, they wouldn't care.

I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but of course, it's another night I am unable to. Thinking about, well, people. Family, friends, acquaintances, employers, co-workers, church members, and the like. I really don't have friends anymore. I mean don't get me wrong. I've got people I have connections with, love dearly, and would definetly go to about all the big things in my life, but no one really in my life.

I had a birthday party about a month ago. At the beginning of the party I had some friends there who I really love and care about, and I know who are the same with me. I was so happy to have Daniel, Lindsey, and Eric there. They left after about an hour due to some things they couldn't avoid. I was left with some family, and people I've known for awhile. But I don't think they were there for me. I think they were there for the fun. And they were THERE. The people I wanted to be there weren't. But I can't talk to the people that were or are there. They wouldn’t relate even if they cared. The people that might care wouldn't be able to relate cuz they all have someone close, relatable, a friend.

I have never gone through a time when I didn't have friends. The past year has been the most intensely difficult as far as that goes. I've always had companionship, something to do, people to talk to, someone I could relate to. I don't have that anymore. What really stinks is the one who is supposed to be my best friend isn't. I don't have a best friend anymore. God I miss her... and we live in the same house. I don't think she misses me.

I'm not gonna sit here and try to act like I am just venting and will be ok, or I am just trying to analyze things. Becuz honestly, this hurts. I AM ALONE. My Mom can't share in all my joy, becuz she doesn't agree with where some of that comes from. I can't share my loneliness with people I would be close to, because they have a sole someone. NO, stop! Don't tell me about how it's just a phase, or how it's just something I'm having to go through, or anything like that. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of those lame explanations. They don't make me feel any better for your information.

Sometimes I get a longing where I feel like I wanna run away so bad. Instead of getting off at my exit, I wanna leave my car in drive, and leave it all behind (John Mayer's "Why Georgia"). What would that secure? Nothing, I know already. I'm tired of feeling deserted. And if you are reading this, do not try to contact me and say how sorry you are for me, and try to cheer me up by telling me you'll be my friend. I'm supposed to feel better on the account of pity? Don't even.

God, I have not forgotten you in all of this. I know you are always here with me, I know you are always sitting here crying with me, hating the pain I'm going through just like I am. I know you felt lonely, I know your son did. Gosh I can't imagine having to go through that time in Gethsemane alone. Having to go wake up your supposed friends after only one hour, when you were praying about your inevitable soon coming death. Sweating so intensely, blood is flowing out of your pores.

I'm sorry I get to this point sometimes. I know you can relate. You've gone through it way worse than I have, or ever will. I know that. I'm sorry for being such a fool about things. I pray Lord that you would increase the patience, strength, and motivation in me to just do your will. I know you will bring the people I need in my life at the appointed time, and may I not be so busy minded that I don't take a look at what's in front of me when it is.

I always tend to come back to 2 lines in 2 Waterdeep songs that always help my resolve. "I just get lonely sometimes, but I know I just need you." "Oh God. It hurts so bad to love anybody down here. But oh, that's right. You know so well: one thorn crown, three nails and a spear."