I feel so alone. Completely alone. The struggles, the joys, the life I'm living: no one seems to be able to relate, understand, or remotely care (this isn't about that though). I know everyone goes through this, everyone has this phase. This segment has been going on for quite some time though. It's getting tired. I'm getting tired.

There's a phone next to me with NO ONE to call and talk to about this. There are close to 120 numbers in my phone, but out of all of those people or places that I have found worthy to take up some of the memory in my cell, no one would really truly care, or if they would care, they wouldn't be able to relate. If they would be able to relate, they wouldn't care.

I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but of course, it's another night I am unable to. Thinking about, well, people. Family, friends, acquaintances, employers, co-workers, church members, and the like. I really don't have friends anymore. I mean don't get me wrong. I've got people I have connections with, love dearly, and would definetly go to about all the big things in my life, but no one really in my life.

I had a birthday party about a month ago. At the beginning of the party I had some friends there who I really love and care about, and I know who are the same with me. I was so happy to have Daniel, Lindsey, and Eric there. They left after about an hour due to some things they couldn't avoid. I was left with some family, and people I've known for awhile. But I don't think they were there for me. I think they were there for the fun. And they were THERE. The people I wanted to be there weren't. But I can't talk to the people that were or are there. They wouldn’t relate even if they cared. The people that might care wouldn't be able to relate cuz they all have someone close, relatable, a friend.

I have never gone through a time when I didn't have friends. The past year has been the most intensely difficult as far as that goes. I've always had companionship, something to do, people to talk to, someone I could relate to. I don't have that anymore. What really stinks is the one who is supposed to be my best friend isn't. I don't have a best friend anymore. God I miss her... and we live in the same house. I don't think she misses me.

I'm not gonna sit here and try to act like I am just venting and will be ok, or I am just trying to analyze things. Becuz honestly, this hurts. I AM ALONE. My Mom can't share in all my joy, becuz she doesn't agree with where some of that comes from. I can't share my loneliness with people I would be close to, because they have a sole someone. NO, stop! Don't tell me about how it's just a phase, or how it's just something I'm having to go through, or anything like that. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of those lame explanations. They don't make me feel any better for your information.

Sometimes I get a longing where I feel like I wanna run away so bad. Instead of getting off at my exit, I wanna leave my car in drive, and leave it all behind (John Mayer's "Why Georgia"). What would that secure? Nothing, I know already. I'm tired of feeling deserted. And if you are reading this, do not try to contact me and say how sorry you are for me, and try to cheer me up by telling me you'll be my friend. I'm supposed to feel better on the account of pity? Don't even.

God, I have not forgotten you in all of this. I know you are always here with me, I know you are always sitting here crying with me, hating the pain I'm going through just like I am. I know you felt lonely, I know your son did. Gosh I can't imagine having to go through that time in Gethsemane alone. Having to go wake up your supposed friends after only one hour, when you were praying about your inevitable soon coming death. Sweating so intensely, blood is flowing out of your pores.

I'm sorry I get to this point sometimes. I know you can relate. You've gone through it way worse than I have, or ever will. I know that. I'm sorry for being such a fool about things. I pray Lord that you would increase the patience, strength, and motivation in me to just do your will. I know you will bring the people I need in my life at the appointed time, and may I not be so busy minded that I don't take a look at what's in front of me when it is.

I always tend to come back to 2 lines in 2 Waterdeep songs that always help my resolve. "I just get lonely sometimes, but I know I just need you." "Oh God. It hurts so bad to love anybody down here. But oh, that's right. You know so well: one thorn crown, three nails and a spear."

Ok, so I haven't posted in awhile. It's been busy lately, and a lot has been going on. Some changes going on, and I'm happy about it. :)

So I had my birthday party on the 14th @ Fajita Flats. Had an absolute blast! It was so fun! Thanx to everyone who came!

On the 16th I went out to lunch with Glenn and Zina (pastors) after church and it was fine. Towards the end of the lunch I decided to talk to them about something that had been weighing on my mind for about 6 months. I had really been frustrated with it thought for about 3 months. I felt my time at the church was over. My gifts were not being used, I wasn't doing anything, and I needed more. I prayed and prayed about it, waited it out, had patience, and now knew it was time to go. What was kewl is they said they had been praying and felt the same way. It was great. They asked which church I was looking at. I told them Calvary Christian Fellowship. My heart had been drawn to it over the last few months and these were Pastors I actually respected and knew I could trust. They said they saw me going somewhere like that church. We decided I would go for one last sevice and they would send me off with a "blessing".

The next day I got a call from Glenn saying they would not support my decision to attend CCF, due to my Dad and Shannon being there, becuz they knew my Mom would not approve and wouldn't wanna get caught in the middle of something... My Mother? Um, I kinda don't live with her anymore. She has no say over my spiritual life, or the decisions I make... I just said ok. Really I was just like whatever. All I knew was I was about to be very happy, and in a place I knew God called me to be.

The next day I get a slip in the mail that says I have a certified letter waiting at the post office... It's from the church, so I go and get it on Wednesday. I read the most ridiculous things! I was infuriated, and hurt. They believed the accusations brought up about my Dad last year, they brought up my Mom yet again, they questioned my maturity, accused me of not using wisdom, INSTRUCTED me to stay at Trailwood until I found a better place to go, asked that if I chose to still go to CCF not to tell the congregation... WHAT!?!? Their reasoning was that I could hurt the momentum of the Holy Spirit... ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?! That's most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

I was absolutely appaled, and needless to say ANGRY. I was so upset, and hurt. I couldn't believe what was being said. After some counseling from Pastor Rod who is unlike anyone I've ever known (told me I am not to defend myself, to walk away knowing I am doing the right thing, and let God take care of the rest). Folow after Peace he said. I didnt like the idea of not defending myself, or letting them have a peice of my mind. I decided not to go on Sunday, which actually came with an overwhelming peace. I resolved that I was just gonna DO IT! And guess what!? I don't need man's "blessing" to do what God has told me to do. I will follow HIS instruction over anyone elses. So that's that.

I got a 2nd job watching 2 absolutely adorable sweet girls overnight a couple times a week while their dad works at the hospital overnight. GREAT to have money to pay off some junk! Unfortunately my hours got cut at work, and then the girls went to their Grandmas last minute which prevents me from working for the next 2 weeks with them. I have some bills to pay which depended on that money, and now I don't have it so Im not sure what I'll do. But I know God supplies all my needs, and He's sure of what He's doing. :) I also was supposed to see John Mayer, and buy the tickets this week, but now I don't know! It sux! And I'm not sure if I'll see Tim McGraw this summer either. Oh well. Life goes on. :)

God is Good all the time, His Word is true, and I Love Him!

This is from something I read back in 2001 on President Bush that I found just a minute ago, and wanted to share with yall. I really love this man.

"The promises of our Declaration of Independence are not just for the strong, the independent or the healthy. They are for everyone, including unborn children," his statement said. "We share a great goal, to work toward a day when every child is welcomed in life and protected in law ... to build a culture of life, affirming that every person at every stage and season of life, is created equal in God's image."

Today, or rather yesterday was my birthday. Got a lot of birthday calls, text's, and emails. Was very sweet. Thank you everyone who did so. Just ran a lot of errands today, drove over 2 hours in the storming rain day. Yuk. I went and practiced with my band tonight. That went well. But leave it up to my birthday not to be normal! PJ messages me today. He went off to Teen Challenge to get his life right back in January. They are on strict contact regulations there. He had been doing great, changing a lot, really seeking God and growing. We (me and his parents) have been so proud of him. So he messages me. Weird. Turns out he left Teen Challenge. He feels they are too harsh on him, and it just isn't for him. He left 3 days ago and has been sleeping in the park. So I gave him a phone number to a church there in San Antonio who can help him get in contact with his parents. He hasn't at all today. I'm hoping he will. I also pray that his parents will give him another chance. I don't know that they will. This was his last chance basically. They've been at the end of their rope with him. I don't blame them at all either. Pray for PJ you guys. I would hate for him to go in the wrong direction again. If not for his sake, for his parents. Well, I've got a long day ahead of me. Waking up in 6 1/2 hours to pick up Eric, gotta get my tires rotated, do some stuff on my Mom's computer, help get some order in their apartment, pick up Heather from school, and get ready for my birthday party. I decided to have it at Fajita Flats instead thanx to the horrible rain. We'll have a blast there though. We always do! Peace!

Let's see... I went to TBI Graduation this past weekend to see some friends graduate. I was so proud of all of them. They did such a great job this year and all grew so much. I got to see some of the alumni I graduated with, and some close friends. We got there about midnight Friday night. We went around campus and talked to a bunch of people, made Eric get out of his dorm to talk to us, and finally headed back to Meagans room to sleep @ about 2 am. I couldn't sleep. Sweet barely could so at 4:30am we got up for Graduation Day basketball game. We had a bunch of fun. Then at 5:45 headed to town for breakfast and at 6:30 tried to go to sleep... yeah that didn't work. Got out of bed at 8 and had some fun. Unfortunately I hadn't been feeling good for a day or two, so not getting sleep made it worse that afternoon. I felt absolutely horrible... on the edge of flu feeling. I had to go into work that evening too. Yuk. I went in, and after work I came home and slept for over 12 hours. I didn't even make it to church I was so yuk.

Then I went to work again that afternoon and my friend Jason called that evening so we could hang out today. He's on leave from the Army for a week. He's been in Korea for a year and a half I believe. So it was GREAT to see him. We watched Matrix Revolutions which I hadn't seen and was somewhat dissapointed by. We also watched the best of Adam Sandler on SNL. So funny. We rented The Last Samurai but didnt get around to watching it. I hope to tomorrow.

I'm gonna have my birthday party on Friday. Probably just hang at my Moms new apartment, swim, drink margaritas, and hang out. That's all for now.