I can't help but want to be in control. I want to know everything that's going on with me. I want to be able to control what people think of me. I don't care really what they think, but I do when it hinders my respect. I hate that I can't control my past. It's already been done, so of course I can't change it, or do anything about. So, no Control. UGH! I wish I could change it so bad, But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wouldn't have happened. It's so hard not to look back on the mistakes of the past and not cringe. It's really hard. But I know I've got to just give it up, and realize I can't change it.

I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could just feel completely normal again. I don't even know what normal is though. Maybe how I feel is normal. No, it can't be. But somewhere in this season, the atmosphere completely changed. I feel like I have to watch every step I take with EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to, or consider a friend. Like EVERYTHING is being critiqued. I know I can decide how to handle things. I have a free will. I can decide what the outcome is somewhat.

Oh! I just wish that I could do it! Whatever it is! Just make it to where I don't feel this way! To where I'm not being looked at, and judged more harshly than everyone! To where I can be Jessica, a good young lady like all the other girls! Instead of, if I do something a bit radical with my clothes, or hair, or if Im just loud and crazy, being looked at as a problem, how about being looked at as someone with a mind of her own, and someone who is planted firmly in God, and won't change for anything! Instead of some girls who barely have both feet on the ground, and barely think about how to make their relationship with God better, being looked at as the "nice young ladies". So I've been through a lot of krap! Why can't I just be a "nice young lady"? Or rather, Why can't I be a Godly Woman? An upright chik? Someone who loves God, and lives it loudly.

I am.

But why can't they see that!? I just need to live my life to the fullest, and to the greatest. To the way God has called me to live it. Follow him, and not worry about what others think about my past, and keep going. But It's hard.

"To my future, in the palm of Gods hands. To my past as of now that I can't understand. To my future, uncertain, unclear. To the past I left to bring me here."- John Reuben "No Regrets"