Hello everyone! I'm back! Well for the week atleast. I'm doing absolutely wonderful at TBI. It's awesome. I am growing so much in God, and just learning so much about Him, and most importantly I'm becoming much more intimate with Him. I love him so much. I'm doing A LOT of studying, work around campus, dancing, singing, acting, and guitar playing. I also have the most awesome roommates. There's Valencia who is as loud as me, but not as crazy, then Mari who was very quiet, but has definitely come out of her shell, Michelle is from Louisiana, or what we call "The Boot", and has the cutest accent, and is just awesome. There's also Lyza, and Elizabeth who are both very sweet, and helpful. I also have 2 careleaders: Canada (her real name is Sandra but she's from Canada), and Anne who is 17, and already in the 2nd year program. They're both REALLY awesome, and I love them so much. I have a lot of other close friends like Jason (kinda hard hearted, but growing), Sweet 'n' Low (real name Jen, really short and real sweet), then Melanie, Caleb, Crystal, Bud, Micah, Levi, Sarah, and another Sarah, and then there's other good friends.

Then there's Cliff. He's a really kewl guy. He loves God a lot, and wants His will for his life, loves music, and has a real ear for good music (HE LIKES WATERDEEP!!), loves life, wants to work w/ youth as I do, and is just really funny, and fun, but he just came out of a bad situation (Needless to say, yes I do like him, and fortunately for me, he likes me back... a lot). So we're waiting for me, and him to both grow individually in God, and get more of His destiny for us revealed to us, before we really get involved. I'm sure some of yall are wondering about PJ. Well, me and PJ are no longer anything other than friends. I realized (finally) how young he is, how I wanted so much more, and how different our lives were. He always said love was enuf, but I don't think so in our case. He's starting to live wrong as well. It was too hard for him w/out me here, so he decided to go have fun w/ girls. He said it's not that his feelings have faded but that he's wanting to have fun. Well, my feelings have pretty much faded, cuz there's just nothing there anymore. We'll always be the best of friends though. He was always good at being a friend.

I have a big Christmas banquet coming up, and it's MAJORLY formal, so I need a new dress. Well, mom said we dont have the money for it, and barely have money for anything.She's not even sure about Christmas, so I'm praying for God to provide. I completely trust Him, He's been providing like KRAZY for me, so I'm not worried. There's still tuition, and then money for living for me, but I know God can do it... He's God. Well, I hope that yall haven enjoyed catching up with me. Whoever is reading this I love you, but more importantly, God Loves You. Remember - Put the Word of God in you when you don't need it, so it will be there when you do need it.

Well, this probably will be the last blog for a very long time. Saturday I leave for TBI. I'm at a place where I'm neutral about my leaving. I'm trying to be excited though. I really promise I am. It's kinda tough though. I think it's starting to hit all my friends, and it's even hitting my mom. She asked me what if she didnt want me to leave. I was like well it's a little to late for that (BTW- My cousin is in my room belting out "Flavor of the Week" by American Hi-fi LOL). And my friends are starting to say OMG you're leaving. Don't leave. It's probably gonna hit me on the way there. I've been packing all day, and it's not even in there why I'm doing it. Gosh this is gonna be different. Whoever's reading this, pray I can do this, and do it excellent.

My family is all around me right now jamming to some Aretha Franklin CD, and they just made me get up and do this silly dance my aunt does to "Freeway of Love", and just a second ago they were all belting out "Respect". They're all crazy! But I'm gonna miss them. Not too long ago they were all listeing to Barry White and Mom made us do this dance w/ her. It was pretty fun. I'm gonna miss the craziness of my family, even if it is kinda dorky. Hey, Im a dork too. :)

I'm almost gone...

...but I'm still here...

I need to start updating this blog more often. I know I'll appreciate it when I look back on this and see all the things that have happened. To update some, I'll take an excerpt out of a recent post I made to the SwimSite:

I confess I've been trying to figure out for days the words to use to let yall know about some stuff thats goin on w/ me. Me and Mom haven't been getting along for some months now, and our relationship has gone from awesome to BAD. Mom sat me down about 2 weeks ago and told me to go to TBI (Texas Bible Institute) or move out. TBI is less than an hour and a half away, but it's not like a regular school. I'm there all week, and I have to be there on weekends becuz they host youth retreats every weekend. So I'm not gonna be able to come home often. It would be a miracle if I got to come home once a month. I just got an awesome job, that I love, and it was about to move to full time. But Mom said she's tired of me, and she doesn't like me much anymore and so she wants me out. Yes, she did actually say that. I have no where to go, so this is what I'm doing. I dunno if this is exactly God's will for my life to be there, but I have no choice, and I know that while I'm there I'm gonna learn ALOT, Im going to grow a lot, and Im gonna get a lot of hands on ministry experience. And thats gonna be a great thing for me! :) I'm just having a hard time w/ the financial part. My Mom is gonna pay for some of it, but she wants me to work while I'm there. There is absolutely nothing in Columbus, Tx. It is an extremely small city, if you can even call it that. So I'm not exactly sure how all these finances are gonna pull together. I mean, insurance, gas, some food, plus to help with some of the tuition. That's alot. I'm excited about the growing and the experience, but Im just not sure if this is Gods will, and Im not sure how Im gonna pay for it, and I know this isnt gonna help mine and my Moms relationshhip, except that we wont be fighting, since we wont be around eachother. The whole thing is, she doesnt like that I am not in agreement w/ her and her bf/. Some of yall might remember that episode one night about a year ago, where he was stalking her and sitting outside the house and all that. This is the same guy she was scared to death of after they broke up. The same guy who mooched off of her and used her. He is so consistently rude to me, and Mom couldn't care less. He is a major jerk in ways I just wont say right now, cuz I'm taking up enuf space as it is. So, sorry for me not agreeing w/ the whole thing. It's just a real tough situation to be in. Just pray you guys that the finances come through if this is what is supposed to be done, becuz Im all up for Gods will and also pray that somehow God would just reveal Himself to my Mom. She's starting to cuss and stuff, and it's rubbing off on my little sisters. Thanx guys.

So that's basically that. I've decided to put forth every effort to get to TBI, but I told God that if He didnt want me to go there, then to make it to where nothing is gonna work out, and the finances won't come through, but if it is His will, then make everything come together. Cuz all I wanna do is what he wants me to do. Ever since Mom decided that I was leaving, she gets along with me better. I guess she's happier than I thought. Whatever.

Wow! Last published 4/6/01!!! It seems longer!! Is it just me or did April and May take FOREVER!?!? Ugh! Well here's a little update: I am signed up for the GED next Thursday, the 7th, and I got my liscence, and a car this past week!!! :) I won't be going to mexico, instead I am concentrating on finding a good job. A job that will consume about 40-50% of my time. I just wanna have a job, get money, not have to worry about friends, love, and just stuff. It would make life a lot easier.

I've also been on an up and down thing w/ God lately. I'm still connected to Him, and all, but I get into my flesh a lot lately. I'm goin thorugh a lot with Mom lately too. We're just not agreeeing... AGAIN. Hopefully this will be over with soon. That's a basic run through real quik. Ill try to update more regularly now. Sorry about the delay. Thanx to yall who pray for me. I appreciate it so much.

I so titled this blog correctly. I look at myself, my life, and just everything about me, and realize I am this incredibly shallow, lazy, prideful, rude, self-involved, snobby, ignorant, ridiculous, immature, contaminated, dirty, blinded, uninvited, foolish, wicked chik. I mean, nothing good I feel has come of me lately. I want a job, I want to save up money, I want to grow up (sorta), I want to have a car, I want to just do what I need to do. I just feel like my being here (my house, TAG, my church, in my friends lives, the 'net) is causing more problems, or just has no positive effect whatsoever. Maybe I really do need to leave. Just start over in a new place. Maybe I need to get a new email address, not tell anyone what it is really, except for a few people, leave all my web communities, and start over in new ones, if at all. Just start concentrating on workin hard, saving money, learning guitar, and whatever else I feel like learning. I think it would help a lot if I would just grow up, and just stop being such a frikin baby. No one benefits from me, or anything I do, including myself. I don't uplift anyone, I don't help anyone. People actually probably would feel relieved if I wasn't around. Or, just wouldn't have any reaction at all. I just need to grow up, get busy, and live a life of excellence, and prosperity, and richness. Just a full life. The way God called me to live it, cuz I sure don't feel like I'm doing it now.

I have to agree Bet. Sco's Mom really Rawks.

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me! I am just in this really really bad bad mood! I mean, just bad! I've got a bad headache, I'm frustrated, cuz I don't know all the details of this concert I have to do Saturday, and my attitude is just getting worse and worse. Ugh, I hate being like this, cuz I'm usually really happy, and fun, and all WoO HoO! Ugh, Im such a baby.

I don't know what has been up with me lately, but I have been almost completely emotionless for the almost a week. It might be becuz of the situation, but I don't think so. It really hasn't done anything to me. I mean yeah I think about it, and I cried about it Wednesday night, but after that, nothing. I don't exactly mind it either. It's kinda kewl not crying, or being sad, or really feeling much of anything. The only things I have really felt, have been a lil bit of anger, and that was in dealing w/ christians, and the church. So more like what God called I think righteous anger. And then I almost cried Sunday night, but I didn't. Besides that, nothing. I mean there has been spurts of happiness while Ive been out with friends. But majority of the time, I sit here blank. I've had a few people ask me what's wrong, and the thing is, nothing is wrong, I just don't feel anything. I'm not depressed, enraged, or anything negative. I mean I'm fine. I still have Gods joy, I just am not very expressive of it right now.

Wait a minute. Maybe I am upset, maybe I am mad, maybe I am sad. If I'm not expressive of the Joy of the Lord, then why would I be expressive of anything else? I don't know. Maybe I am just fine though. I mean it's like Im content. I say God is good, and so I have no reason to complain, and I believe it, completely. I don't know. All I know is, it's been pretty kewl not being emotional, or a really feeling negative things. I haven't had my cry about Daddy in about 2 weeks. So that's good. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I mean I've heard people not being able to feel things, but they've all been depressed. I'm not. I don't know. I just hope this is clarified soon.

How come Ritz Crackers are so satisying?

I have found the true meaning of love - Selflessness. I Love You. It's gonna be ok. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. That's all I know to do, and all I will do. I Love You.

Ok I found something I'm scared of (I said I'd post if I found something, and I've been talkin to Kris for a lil bit, and it came out during our conversation)... growing up. Definetly. I'm scared of getting a real job, starting college, having bills, and getting closer to my wedding day. I want to go back to the days when I could sit in my Daddys lap, read Sesame Street books all day long, play tea party, walk around in my Daddys platforms, and when Mrs. Potato Head's lips were bigger than my own. Well maybe not all that far, but close enuf. Really, I'd like to do High School over. Start from 14, get good grades, and not have gotten kicked out. But than again, I know a lot of stuff wouldn't be if not for all the stuff that happened. I mean it's like certain points I'd like to do over, and some keep the same. But that's not even the point. I just don't wanna grow up, I wanna stay young, and have fun, and be loud. I don't wanna get old, and quiet. I don't wanna change my so called radical wardrobe. I wanna be radical. I like being radical. I like being me. I just dont wanna grow up. Im not regretting stuff, or feeling guilty about anything, I just don't wanna grow up. This is just purely selfish, and childish, I know, but well, it's the truth. To some extent.

I found out that, the girl who was supposedly taking my place, isn't gonna be singing w/ the band after all, so I of course feel like a complete fool for getting so upset, but then again, Im pretty sure that if someone else comes along, I will yet, cry again. The Lock-in was TONS of fun, and the talent show was a blast to watch. I played the song, and sang, and was just a lil nervous. The stupid thing was, I was having fun cheering my head off for everyone else, that I almost started to lose m voice! But I chilled out, did the song, and then lost my voice afterwards, cheering on PJ, Sonny, and a few guys in a wrestling match the guys were having. So I sound like, what some would say, Courtney Cox, when she's hyper(?). So anywayz. After the night was over I got ot bed at 9:30, and woke up at about 1, but went back to my bed when I realized Mom had a client at the house. Then I got up, and at the same moment PJ called. Then right after Brigid, so talk about good timing. :) I went to Genet's B-Day party that night, and afterwards to a Quincenerra (sp?), till, like 1:30! I didnt get home till almost 2:30, and in bed at 3. At the Quince. a friend of mines Mom introduced me to 4 guys, and a few guys asked me to dance. I didnt know many people at all, so that was fun. I knew one guy somewhat from TAG, and danced w/ him during a few songs, so that was kewl. Then today we (TAG) went to the park today, and had a picnic. We do this about 2 or 3 times a year, and its always a blast! We play softball, football, volleyball, basketball, and play on the different play sets, and track exercises throughout the place. It's huge! And somehow, it's always windy everytime we go. Anywayz. Tomorrow is PJ's Bday, and I should get to bed, cuz he's calling me at 8am, cuz he's getting up at 7:59; at 8 am he moves up a year. :) So I told him to call me when he gets up so I can be the first besides his family to say Happy Birthday. :) Im gonna play the Beatles Say Its Your Birthday over the phone for him. WoO HoO!!

On a lighter note... Friday night, TAG is having a lock-in, and there's gonna be a talent show. Well, Im gonna be doing a few things w/ some friends (A drama I wrote where I took certain passages in the Bible, and ghettofied them. :) is one of them.), and then something on my own. Me, and my guitar for the first time in public. I am kinda nervous. Ive practiced like mad, but it's just liek woah. I never thought this day would come, and it has. I'm also gona be playing I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever for some friends who are gonna sing it. So basically I'm debuting my guitar skills for the first time to everyone. No one, except for Taylor, and Leigh know, cuz Leigh helped me w/ it the other day. And now whoever is reading this knows... I'm doing You Are So Good To Me, by Waterdeep. This is one of my all time favorite worship songs. And I'm hoping I do it justice, seeing how it's just me, and my voice, and my guitar. So yeah :) Oh, one more thing. I'm playing the song w/ a very special pik. One of my most favorite people in the whole wide world sent it to me over Christmas... My Horrie... Joel! :)

Then... I went shopping today! Like MAD shopping. I have lets see... 5 different shopping bags full of stuff. :) Shannon decided to take me, and for me to get all kinds of stuff, and a whole bunch of it. Heather, my best friend, came too, to help, since they were trying to makeover my relatively "radical" wardrobe, and Heather is pretty much a prep :). Shannon is awesome. She and Joe are young, and I won't say how old, cuz Im sure theyd rather me not, but early 30's, so she's relatively "cool", and we had a BLAST. So WoO HoO! I even got a pair of Khaki pants. I've never worn khaki pants in my life. So this was interesting. But I got a good pair. So tonight was fun. Something I needed.

Oh, and yesterday, Valentines Day, marked one year ago I saw the best band on earth, Waterdeep, for the first time at Metro. It also marked the one time I can remember I've been embarressed (I don't get embarressed too easily)... crying in front of my role model Lori Chaffer. Oy! But hey, it Rawked anyway. :)

Ok, well I was pretty much fine since Sunday, and I'm trusting God through this whole matter, and all, but then Wednesday night comes. That's when the TMC class is, and afterwards a prayer meeting. Mom had to go to work early, and so I had to go up to the TAG center w/ Taylor (my younger sis who is doing the TMC), and I was just gonna put my stuff down, and go to the restaurant right across the way and read my Bible. I walk in, and Sean looks at me and goes what are you doing here? I was like uh, Mom had to drop me off early, and he goes well you cant be here, so I said well, that's why Im going to Chichos. So I went, and that kinda irked me but I got over it, so I come in later to find out that they have another girl singing now, which kinda made me mad after Joe went into how he wasn't gonna have a girl to sing and all. So that just got to me, and I started crying yet AGAIN. During the prayer meeting I was in the back of the cafe, telling God through the tears that were streaming down my face that I trusted him, but it hurt so bad. I didn't say anything to Joe, cuz I was just to hurt to do so. And when the prayer meeting was fixin to be over, Sonny comes over to me and says Sean wants you, then Sean says Joe wants you. So I had to walk form the back of the room, to the middle of it and Joe gestures me over to him, and says in the mic, I need some girls to come over here and pray for Jess. She's had to make some hard decisions in her life, and take a hard road that most of us should take. She is gonna need a lot of strength through this, and encouragement, so yall come pray for her. I was like Oh No, Im gonna cry. That's why I was in the back, so I could cry on my own. So anywayz, after that was over, I stayed at the TAG building w/ Joe, and my sis, cuz he was takin us home, and I was talkin to him, and said well I guess you found your singer. And we talked for a sec, and I said, JOE! She's gonna be singing MY songs! The songs that I lead! And he was like theyre not your songs. Of course I said Yes They Are! So after a lil bit of arguing, which him and I do quite often, I said fine, but she can't sing You Are My King. And he says She can sing whatever she wants. Well cue the girl... right then she starts singing on the mic Hungry: One of MY songs. He looks at me teasingly, and goes Ooooooh. I walked out the office, and went outside to cry, AGAIN. I came back in, and calmed down, and talked to Sean for a lil while, he is really wanting me to get all this stuff done soon. It's only been a week, and he's nervous. :)

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna come back, I'm gonna have to sing, and not sing my songs. I'm scared theyre gonna be "her" songs by then. And she'll be some outstanding singer, way better than I could ever be, and there will be just no use in me being there. She's like 14, and so I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. But this is HARD. The band has been a dream come true for me. A dream Ive had since I was a little girl. And its' been snatched from me. And well, by me. I'm trying really hard, and Im not as upset as I was yesterday, but man this SUX! I love singing more than anything almost. And I'm not doing it. This sux really bad. I hate crying like this, and feeling this way. It's like I completely trust God, and I'm still joyful in life, but this sux. To whoever is reading this, your prayers would mean a lot.

Ok, I guess it's time for me to go ahead and explain what's going on. As most of yall know I have been doing a lot of nothing lately, seeing how I quit my job, and Im out of school, and have no car. I've also had a lot of problems w/ my Mom lately. Well, I decided I would have my GED taken care of by the time TMC (TAG's (a city wide youth group) leadership/Bible/servanthood class) started up again. Well, that is tomorrow night. Orientation was last Wednesday night. Basically my life was/is no where near organized, and prioritized the way it should be. I decided that I have taken too long to get these things taken care of, and have not shown a true example of a real leader. I was so excited about this next year of TMC, and as I was about the last year. 12 of us graduated from the first ever TMC class. Quite an honor for me, and such an amazing thing it was in my life.

After orientation, the Lord was dealing with me, and basically letting me know I wasnt gonna be doing it this year. I was trying to blow it off, and take it as just a figment of my imagination. Well, I finally realized, I would never think to do anything like this, so I knew it was God, and I knew he was right. So I went and had lunch w/ Joe (Youth Pastor of Tag/President of TMC/Daddy), and Sean (Dean of TMC/former employer/awesome guy) the next day (Thursday). We went and discussed some things, and they thought that I was making a wise decision, even though they were quite sorry that it had to be made. Basically, Im the only singer on the P&W band, besides Joe, and Leigh who does a little backup, head of Drama, Dance, on the A/V team, and Sean depended on me for a lot of errand running, taking care of one on one ministry to a lot of girls, and anything. So with much sorrow, and regret, I quit TMC, and stepped down from my leadership responsibilities. I didn't even tell my best friends until Friday night. I didn't talk to anyone for a day or 2 really, and went to Joes house.

Sunday night TAG came, and I walked in to hear the P&W band practicing, and trying to figure out 2 songs that I would regularly lead. Needless to say, very hard to listen to, so I went to the bathroom, cried, and contemplated leaving, thinking I couldn't deal w/ it. Due to some encouragement, and hugs from some very dear friends, I stayed, and made it through, with a few tears throughout the night. When P&W started up I just decided I was gonna worship God, and not worry about my circumstances, which I have also decided to do throughout life anyway. It was hard not having any set responsibilities for the night, not having to write, direct, or cast the drama for the night, not having to do any A/V, file music, or anything. Just so I still feel like Im helping out, I still do some cleaning afterwards, and I still ask Sean and Joe, is there anything you need me to do. I can't stand not helping out, or feeling not useful. Its hard, very hard, and it hurts like hell. Something that really hurt was I had been buggin Joe for about a year to see if Curry (our pastor) would let the TAG band do worship, and Joe always said Curry would never let us. Well, all of a sudden, out of the blue in church that morning, Curry goes, "Joe get ready. In 4-5 weeks TAGs gonna do P&W." I honestly felt like a knife went into my chest, and dinosaurs were running through my stomach. I thought I was gonna cry so hard, even though I felt I had cried all I could that whole weekend. Just when I was gonna get angry, and resentful, God said, "Watch it. Don't get angry. You be happy for the band." And I've decided to do so. I'm sure it will hurt the day it happens, but I will not get angry.

Basically, I've gotta get a job, get my GED taken care of, money in the bank, and under control, a car, and just life prioritized b4 I can go back. Sean and Joe are hoping at the most a few months, as so am I. So this week I am gonna be looking for a job, finding out about the GED test, and I've already done a lot of organizing, and finished that up pretty much. Pray that I have a job by this coming up Monday. But on a good note, in a few months Sean is gonna need a full time secretary, w/ a car, and guess who he's offering the job to first!? :) Yay! Just be praying that I will make it through this w/ minimal crying, and w/ dignity, and that I will get prioritized quickly. I trust God with all my heart, and know he is taking care of me. Yes this hurts, but God knows what he is doing. he always does and he hasn't forgotten about me, and what's important to me. He never will.

"Ignorance is bliss."
Is it for the one who is getting ignored though? I don't like being ignored. I like being trusted. I like being liked. I love being loved. I don't like being ignored though. I like being happy. I like being smart. I like being goofy. I don't like being ignored though. I like being funny. I like being peaceful. I like being me. But I don't like being ignored.

Beyond the Water and the Melody... I've only had a small peice of the song on an mp3 I got off of T's Site. But I finally got it off of Napster today. I've been listening to it over and over and over, for an unknown reason. Kris says maybe Im reliving old memories. I dunno, maybe. Maybe it's just some new WD to listen to for me. :) Maybe it's out of fear (for those of you who don't know, it's a break up song). I'm not really with someone, but if whatever it is, was to end, I know I'd be dissapointed, for lack of a better word. But I'm not really in a mood where I'm analyzing that, or anything. It's something I've given up to God, and don't even really worry about. Or maybe I just need someone or something to relate to for a moment. It's hard finding that in a friend. People I usually do that with are either not relatable for some reason, or I just haven't talked to in awhile, and have lost that closeness with, but mainly lately, cuz I feel I'm the only one around here who gives a krap about who God really is, and how it's all about Him, and not us. The only person Im complete with, of course, is Jesus. I'm so right there with him right now. It's awesome. Maybe I just need something tangible for a moment. Cuz, "No one ever really see's me cry, or knows the thoughts inside my head, and no one, no one knows the fears." Seriously, it's not just a good line in a good song. No one see's me cry, I don't know why, but I don't like people seeing me do it. Maybe it's some weird strong front I put on, and if it is, I'm not even aware of it. Cuz I admit to be weak. I think I'm the only one who thinks the thoughts I think. I've only had a few instances with PJ where we've both thought a weird thing that we thought no one else did, and are still convinced we're the only ones who do. :) I never have a real problem with fear, but when I do have a fear, it's a quiet fear that I feel stupid for having. Maybe one day I'll find the words to put it in, if I ever get one again, and grace this blog with it's definition. Well, that's all I can think to say. I'll return to my BTWATM marathon now. :) If anyone reads this, would you be so kind as to tell me about your experiences when it comes to relating?

I'm so nervous about changing my hair color. I've had it Red for almost 5 years. And Im thinking about gradually going back to my natural color (a light brown w/ a few redish highlights) just to see what it would be like now. But this is like my RED hair. I dunno, maybe I'm just being a big baby about it. I can always go back to it, if I want to. But It's soooo nerve wrecking to me. I mean I LOVE my hair. I always like doing new hairstyles with it, and stuff. But the color has always been RED. And the thought of not having it is so weird! I was thinking a few weeks ago, Oh I'll just go back to the red if I don't like it, but now that I'm closer to the day (Friday afternoon), I'm like REALLY nervous and not so sure if I wanna do it. I could always do the brown next time I dye it, but I dunno. I'm so nervous! I know this seems like a REALLY stupid thing to be nervous about, but if I'm not comfortable with how I look, not how anyone else thinks I look, then I'm so blah! If anyone has any suggestions, let me know here. If you don't even know what I look like at all, but do wanna know, just ask to see a picture, and I'll send it to you, since I dont have one up yet. Just a few suggestions might help me get to a decision quiker.

Yay! I don't have menangitis!

WoW! That's the only way to describe how I feel about God. I'm so joyful, and ecstatic, and just thankful for where me and him are at right now in our relationship. I've never ever been at this place b4. It's incredible. Disappointed. That's how I feel about my friend's relationships with God. It's like they don't care. They know better than this, but it's almost like they think that being a "Christian", and doing the right thing, and praying, and being nice is gonna get them by. I know, they know better than this, but it's like this'll do for now. I have maybe 2 other friends that are atleast striving to be Godly men, and live out His word. Notice I said men. That's right, no g/f's who are trying to do the same. So becuz of that, they're still in their competitive girl mindsets. Like trying to make their lives sound better, and their relationships with guys seem livelier, and yet, they're under so much stress and pressure. It's like one big soap opera. And I'm sik of it!! They continue to look at girls who are so called "sluts" seem so awful, and talk about them, like "OMG, did you see who was dancing in church this morning?" It made me so angry! When this one girl passed by dancing in the isle, they were snickering, and laughing. Not cuz she was dancing, but becuz, she was only doing it to show off, so they think. When they pointed at her I said, "Well, Praise God!" I was standing there in the same row, right next to them, dancing, and shouting, and praising God with all my might, and they know all my faults, but becuz she was an "outsider", and a "slut", then it's no good.

I thought to myself, well atleast she is making an effort to praise God. Yesterdays service was incredible! The Holy Spirit came in, and I found myself on my face b4 God, worshipping him, then crying out for my generation, and then worshipping, and praising him all the more. And I had been in this thing for the past few weeks about how it's all about God, and not at all about me. Ironically, God put me in Ecclesiastes. And so I'm just in this incredible place with God, and there they are, yapping, and talking. I was like um, Hello!? Are you not getting the whole message!? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT GOD!! All it was yesterday was an awesome time to worship God, and they did diddily squat! I'm no one to judge, but I also know my friends. I've decided on a benefit for me, that I won't be sitting next to them anymore, which I haven't wanted to anyway. I've been wanting to sit w/ Joe, even though we sit behind him, but there's never any room cuz the first row is small. But I told him, and Shannon how I was feeling, and that I was sitting w/ them from now on. They told me the only thing I can do is set an example, and pray, and if I do want to talk to them I have to do it in love, and not in judgment, which I know. They also said I have to remember to have grace, becuz I used to be at the same place, and they had to deal with me. I just want God to get the Glory, and the Love, and the Worship He deserves. I mean, I want the whole world to do that, but I hate it so much, that people who call themselves "Christians", just don't take the time, in a church service to worship him! If anyone who reads this, thinks of it, pray for my friends. I want them to be at this place with God. And also pray, that mine will keep progressing, and getting better everyday, as it has been.

Thanx for doing that for me Maggie. This is as close to a computer animated version of me, made at StorTroopers . PJ modified the hair a lil, and put my name on my shirt, but yeah that's pretty much me. I'll try to get a real pic of me soon, since Maggie made me realize that Kris, Jodi, and Joel are the only Swimmers that know what I look like. Anywayz. I've got a lot to say that I will probably blog tonight. I've gotta go get ready for TAG and band practice. Peace

As I sit here, and look through the photo album of me and my friends at
our site, and chat with a few people, I can't help but cry these incredible tears of joy, that I'm so thankful to cry. I'm looking around, and I see that I have a house, I have a computer, I have a blanket, I have Daddys wind pants, I have fingers to type this. But the one thing that is really getting to me is I have Friends. Friends who I could never thank in words. Never could any word describe the gratitude I have. Friends are so incredible. A lot of times there are fights, and misunderstandings, and what-not, but what about the good stuff, that overcomes the bad? WoW! Thank You Lord for... (Since this is online anyway I'll do online friends first.) :)
Online Friends:
Kris- WoW! I can't believe how long we've known eachother. We've been through a lot, and none of it in person, and yet you've definetly become one of the greatest friends I've ever had. I love you.
Jodi- You can really make me laugh, and it's always a pleasure when I get to talk to you. I'm so glad we met!
Joel- You're my Horrie, and that's all there is to it.
C&Lisa- You guys are so wonderful! Thank you Lisa for being so sweet, and C, you might know a lot of useless things, but some of the discussions on the boards have proved that much of your wisdom is quite useful, and definetly appreciated in my book.
B- You are very gifted, and talented, and God calls you his own. I don't know why, but I feel that's what God told me to write.
Maggie- You are too kewl! Thanx for setting the blog stuff up for me, but besides that thanx for being you. :)
Jer- You're crazy. But in a good way. :)
Lisa Renee- I miss you like crazy, and I will cherish you in my heart always.
Methy- Our random chats have been fun. :) I look forward to many more.
Bet- I haven't talked to you too much, but you seem to be quite mature for your age, and that gives me hope for the younger ones I minister to.
Sco- Your honesty amazes me.
The Swimteam as a whole- You guys are so awesome, and I thank God for you everytime I log in. :)

Local Friends:
Heather- One of my best's. Thanx for stiking it out. You've been so kind.You rawk honey!
P.J.- You're a blessing, more than you know.
Devin- What can I say, you're The Stuff. :)
Amanda- Thanx for listening, and thanx for talking back. S&B!
Genet- Child o' God! You never cease to make me laugh.
Matt(hew)- Thanx for giving me the wierd looks. :) I really do appreciate you.
Obi- Keep growing in God. Im so proud of you. You're an encouragement to all of us.
Brigid- It aint over. :) We got awhile to go.
Sarah- Believe me, it aint over.
And theres so much more, but that's all I'll do for now.

Thank you God! I don't even deserve to have the kind of friends I have, but you love me SO MUCH that you just want to make me happy! WoW! You are so awesome, wonderful, amazing, and incredible, and just so indescribably Beautiful! Lord, please bring me to rememberance of this moment, when I get selfish, and have a pity party. You don't deserve to see your child throw a fit. There's nothing I can say Lord, except Thank you!

I am so thankful! Family is so wonderful! I have the most psycho family in the world. We've even had some of us get guns pulled on eachother by other family members, and other crazy stuff. But I love sitting around, talking about good times, bad times, laughing, and crying. Its the best feeling to be connected for a moment with family. Usually family gatherings end up badly, or just something bad happens. But tonight was good. And Im thankful. What about you?

Tonight was quite an interesting, and chaotic night. Annoying as well, for some of the part. The plans were to meet at the mall at 6, and then we'd head to the theatre to see Vertical limit at 7:15. So we (Me, Amanda, Taylor, and Matt) waited for 45 minutes for them, then decided to look for them, and came back at the same spot about 2 minutes later. So it was about 7:10 we decided to walk to the theatre since it was right next door, and we see PJ running towards the theatre, and needless to say we were quite curious as to why they were over here. So they explained they (PJ, Devin, and Mario) were lost trying to pick up Obi, and so were late. So PJ ran over to the mall, saying the others were going to meet him there, ad then come back to the theatre, so to go wait in line, and get the tikets. We get to the line and the guys are still there, saying they didn't tell PJ to meet them at the mall. So they run to get him, and when they come back they decide they don't want to see a movie after we had been waiting in line, and were next in line. So we were trying to figure out what to do, and since it was freezing outside, we decided to walk back to the mall, and get warm. But some of the guys decided to leave (Obi, Mario, and Devin). But then Devin catches up with us, and says he's going home. So we say ok we'll see you later. So we (Me, PJ, Amanda, Matt, and Taylor) head to the mall, and grab a bite to eat, and have a few little adventures. :) Later we find out that no one has seen Devin since he had told us he was going home. Everyone's calling his house, and other places trying to find him. Just a little bit ago I call his house, and he finally answers saying he's had it disconnected on purpose, and that he was mad at everyone. So I told him I'm sorry he was mad and that tonight didn't work out, but I'm just glad he was ok, and I knew he was home. He said "I'm so enlightened." So I was like "You being sarcastic?" And he said "Yeah and not funny sarcastic". So I said "Ok well, I'm glad you're ok, I'll talk to you later." "Bye". He also stated that everyone was following me to the mall, so I wouldn't get mad, and that he had not intended on speaking to anyone 'till Sunday cuz he's so mad. I wasn't the one leading to the mall, and I think to be so mad about this is quite petty. Sorry to everyone who is reading this. I'm just letting out my frustrations. But anywayz. It also made me think about how everyone gets so caught up in the petty trials of life, and forgets about the joys, and the gifts God has given to us, so they become bitter, and angry, and engage in utter nonsense. Myself included. I hate how I become so selfish, and throw a pity party when things aren't going "how I thought things would go". But how we think things are gonna go usually aren't how things are gonna go. We're not God, and are far from it. When we walk in the Spirit it doesn't mean things will be easier, but we'll be able to give those trials over to God, and go through them with joy, and peace knowing we are in Gods hands. And what an awesome place to be! Gods Hands!

John Reuben Rawks.

I miss Daddy. A lot. I feel like Im so alone when it comes to Daddy. I feel like Im the only one who cries about it anymore. I cry probably once a week or so about it. And when I do its those huge tears, and a headache, and a drenched collar type thing. In fact Im doing it now, and am having to take breaks in between typing. I don't know who's reading this or if anyone is for that matter. I don't care. All I know is I miss my Daddy. I don't ever really talk to anyone about the pain I go through when it comes to Daddy. I mean when he died, I was the strong one for the family, and didn't cry unless I was alone, or with an EXTREMELY close friend. NEVER in front of Mom or Taylor, and Heather (my sis's). I still don't, especially in front of my sisters. I hate that My husband isn't gonna know Daddy, or maybe he would have, but not when it's that time. I hate he's not gonna walk me down the isle. I hate that he's not here to do his goofy PeeWee Herman impression, and the Tequila dance he would do w/ big white platforms when I was little. I hate that he's not gonna dress up like a woman again, and embarrass me again, like he did during my 12th birthday party, and he called himself Ms. No-Doubtfire. I hate going back into little girl mode, and thinking about my Daddy who was the greatest guy in the world, and was never gonna leave me, and knowing he's not here.


I love Daddy so much. I think about him, and "talk" to him all the time. A lot of "Oh, Daddy. I wish you were here" 's. Why did it have to happen to me? Why couldnt have he just not died? I pray all the time, what I know anyone who is reading this is gonna call, silly prayers of, "God PLEASE. Can't you just bring him back so I can sit on his lap, and hug him for a few minutes? Can't you just give me access to him when I need him, and all I have to do is say Daddy, I need you? PLEASE!?" Sometimes I just wish God would take me already so I could see Daddy. I bet Daddy is watching me write this. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder what he thinks when it comes to a lot of the stuff I do. I think about that all the time. No one knows how much I think about him. I think about him more than anyone knows. I think it would surprise a lot of people how much I do.

I have a picture of my Mom, and Daddy on their wedding day hanging over my bed. They look so happy, and it's so adorable. Daddy's standing there w/ his platform shoes on, and Mom has her head leaning on his shoulder. I told myself Im gonna do that exact same pose when I get married. Im sure that sounds insane. I remember the day Mom took that picture down. I remember how angry I was, and how I felt like I was the only one who cared about Daddy anymore. She put it in her closet or something, and I remember saying something to my Mom like "How could you take that down!? I'm putting it in MY room." I felt as if I was rescuing it from some untimely death, or just rescuing Daddy from being forgotten. It makes me mad when people don't remember much about Daddy, or they just seem to not care when I say he's dead. It's like "How can you not care!? He was only the greatest guy to ever live! He worked so hard for our family! 12 hour days even while baring a kidney tumor! Even while having cancer eating away at his body! He was the greatest, and don't you DARE forget it!"

I remember one night, we had to go to the store in the middle of the night, cuz Mom was out of town, dealing w/ the coming death of her father, and the girls remembered a last minute thing they needed for school the next day, and Daddy didn't get the strength 'till then. We had this HUGE van you had to step up, and pull yourself up to get into. So he opened the door, and attempted to pull himself up, and he fell back trying to do it, cuz he had like NO muscle left. And this was 5 months b4 he died. I wanted to cry so bad when I saw that. But I wouldn't dare. I didn't want him to think he was putting me through anything.

Whenever Daddy, and I said, what I didn't think to be, our Goodbyes, it was an incredible moment for me. I had come up to the hospital 2 days b4 he died, and Mom told the girls how serious this was, and a lot of church people were there. He hadn't talked to anyone at all that day. He didn't have the strength. I had to leave to go home, and pack, cuz I was going on a trip w/ some girls to a lake house. So I went into the room, to get my stuff, and on the way out, I stopped, and looked at him, and said "Daddy, I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I leaving now. I just wanted to tell you I love you." So I'm fixin to be out the door, and he mustered up all the strength he had to mumble "I love you too". So I just kinda smiled, and walked out the door, and as soon as I got in the hall, I just busted out crying. I couldn't believe he did that just to say I love you to me. 2 days later Im at the lake house sleeping, and I sit up straight at exactly 8 am. And the first thought in my head was Daddy. I just kinda mumbled I love you Daddy. I go home later that night, and find out he died at exactly 8 am.

I miss Daddy. I love him so much.