Dec 28, 2000
Nov 9, 2000
I can't help but want to be in control. I want to know everything that's going on with me. I want to be able to control what people think of me. I don't care really what they think, but I do when it hinders my respect. I hate that I can't control my past. It's already been done, so of course I can't change it, or do anything about. So, no Control. UGH! I wish I could change it so bad, But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wouldn't have happened. It's so hard not to look back on the mistakes of the past and not cringe. It's really hard. But I know I've got to just give it up, and realize I can't change it.
I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could just feel completely normal again. I don't even know what normal is though. Maybe how I feel is normal. No, it can't be. But somewhere in this season, the atmosphere completely changed. I feel like I have to watch every step I take with EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to, or consider a friend. Like EVERYTHING is being critiqued. I know I can decide how to handle things. I have a free will. I can decide what the outcome is somewhat.
Oh! I just wish that I could do it! Whatever it is! Just make it to where I don't feel this way! To where I'm not being looked at, and judged more harshly than everyone! To where I can be Jessica, a good young lady like all the other girls! Instead of, if I do something a bit radical with my clothes, or hair, or if Im just loud and crazy, being looked at as a problem, how about being looked at as someone with a mind of her own, and someone who is planted firmly in God, and won't change for anything! Instead of some girls who barely have both feet on the ground, and barely think about how to make their relationship with God better, being looked at as the "nice young ladies". So I've been through a lot of krap! Why can't I just be a "nice young lady"? Or rather, Why can't I be a Godly Woman? An upright chik? Someone who loves God, and lives it loudly.
I am.
But why can't they see that!? I just need to live my life to the fullest, and to the greatest. To the way God has called me to live it. Follow him, and not worry about what others think about my past, and keep going. But It's hard.
"To my future, in the palm of Gods hands. To my past as of now that I can't understand. To my future, uncertain, unclear. To the past I left to bring me here."- John Reuben "No Regrets"
I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could just feel completely normal again. I don't even know what normal is though. Maybe how I feel is normal. No, it can't be. But somewhere in this season, the atmosphere completely changed. I feel like I have to watch every step I take with EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to, or consider a friend. Like EVERYTHING is being critiqued. I know I can decide how to handle things. I have a free will. I can decide what the outcome is somewhat.
Oh! I just wish that I could do it! Whatever it is! Just make it to where I don't feel this way! To where I'm not being looked at, and judged more harshly than everyone! To where I can be Jessica, a good young lady like all the other girls! Instead of, if I do something a bit radical with my clothes, or hair, or if Im just loud and crazy, being looked at as a problem, how about being looked at as someone with a mind of her own, and someone who is planted firmly in God, and won't change for anything! Instead of some girls who barely have both feet on the ground, and barely think about how to make their relationship with God better, being looked at as the "nice young ladies". So I've been through a lot of krap! Why can't I just be a "nice young lady"? Or rather, Why can't I be a Godly Woman? An upright chik? Someone who loves God, and lives it loudly.
I am.
But why can't they see that!? I just need to live my life to the fullest, and to the greatest. To the way God has called me to live it. Follow him, and not worry about what others think about my past, and keep going. But It's hard.
"To my future, in the palm of Gods hands. To my past as of now that I can't understand. To my future, uncertain, unclear. To the past I left to bring me here."- John Reuben "No Regrets"
Oct 28, 2000
Oct 27, 2000
How come it's your best friends that can make you feel the worst? How come they can hurt you so bad sometimes? Make you feel just like you don't mean a thing to them. It sux! And it all can happen within a split second too. I just feel like such krap. Almost like she doesn't even consider me a real friend. But then I start saying, "I don't even care. If she's gonna be like that fine. I've got other friends. Who cares?" Why is that? How come I get so, I guess honestly, prideful about all of this? I mean I do care. I love her so much. But what she has done hurts so bad. I keep thinking "Maybe I'll just forget about it, and let it go." But then I'm thinking, "But this really hurt. I guess I should talk to her about it." But we just got over a fight, and I don't want another one. UGH! This is so stupid! This is what sux about your best friend being younger than you: SHE'S YOUNGER THAN YOU! All my friends are. The ones that are my age, are all screwing around w/ guys, and listening to krappy music, and being stupid. Majority of my friends are guys which is kewl though, cuz I've always talked to guys better. But that's besides the point, that I hate this, and I'm sick of feeling like I don't know who my friends are. I'm sure though that this is all gonna seem like a little nothing whenever it's done and over with. I'm so pathetic. This is just dumb, and I just need to talk to her about it, and get over it, and stop whining.
Oct 25, 2000
I don't know the name of this feeling. I feel it when I think about the old him. Ya know how there's always the Him or Her that's always on your mind. Your infatuation, your love, or whatever you call it. You always refer to them as Him or Her. What is this I feel? It's when I think about this old him. When I see his name online. An old letter. I see a car that looks just like his. I hear a song that used to be fun for us. Us. Us. There used to be an Us. Not just us as in a group of us, but like Us. Why does he still lurk in my mind? He's not a part of me anymore. I don't ever see him. I took all of his junk out of my room pretty much. He's just an old him. I thought he'd always be Him though. But he's not now. And he wont ever be again. I don't want him to be. After everything that's happened, I don't think I could stand it. But I don't know what this feeling is. It's not anger. It's not sadness. It's not Love. It's not happiness. It's practically nothing. Like just blank whiteness, and blackness. Nothing. Is it regret? Pity? I know I don't want him back. So it can't be longing or pining or any of that stupidity. I've forgiven him, so it can't be hate, or anything of that nature. Sometimes I just stare at his name online and don't think a thing. Not a thing. He has a Her. I wonder though if he ever thinks about me. If he stares at my name while Im online. If he feels that blankness too. It's not anything. It's nothing. Nothing at all. He's over me of course. But does he feel that feeling? That unclassified feeling I feel? Does every single memory pass through his mind in about 5 seconds, cuz that's only how slow they'll reel? And when he does, is he on the outside looking in? Like a movie or a picture? Does he look back at some of the times, and think "Wow, was I a shmuck or what!? Feeling that way. Boy was I stupid."? I do. I think "I was feeling those feelings for him? How could I? I don't feel them now." Then sometimes I think, "I can't believe I don't feel that way now." Not becuz of him, but becuz of my loyalty to me, and my ground at the time. I was right, and how I felt was nothing less than correct. Does he do that too? Think about his loyalty to himself? I have a He right now too. Someone I think about, and care for. He's a friend, who I just couldn't do without. He's taught me something, that turned into many things. I appreciate him beyond what words could say. He's just awesome. I'm thankful for him. While he might not be a He (b/f), like the old he has a Her (g/f), he's still Him.
To Him: Remember who brought you into this world. They Love You. They only want what's best for you. Always appreciate them. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, and you wouldn't be so wonderful. There's so much more I wanna say, but you know what I'm thinking. You always do. Thank You. I Love You.
To the old him:
I sat here for 5 minutes and couldn't think of a thing. Why? I say so much all the time, why can't I say anything now? Do I have nothing to say? Or too much to say? It's Nothing.
To Him: Remember who brought you into this world. They Love You. They only want what's best for you. Always appreciate them. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, and you wouldn't be so wonderful. There's so much more I wanna say, but you know what I'm thinking. You always do. Thank You. I Love You.
To the old him:
I sat here for 5 minutes and couldn't think of a thing. Why? I say so much all the time, why can't I say anything now? Do I have nothing to say? Or too much to say? It's Nothing.
Oct 23, 2000
EVERYDAY
Yesterday while I was in church, the P&W team played the song "Dance Like David Danced", and I was having a ball! I danced and jumped with all my might, and was filled with an amazing joy. While the orchestra was jamming with the song, and people were dancing, the guy who was leading yelled out "You can live like this everyday!". I was thinking about that a little bit yesterday, and some more today. He was so right. We could all be living like this EVERYDAY! If we would actually listen to the word of God, and cast our burdens on him, and trust in him with all our hearts, like he tells us to. Sometimes I think we take those scriptures on more as a mean command, unintentionally. It's not that way though. It's all to benifit us. ALL to benefit US! We tend to live on our feelings, and the Lord knows this, I mean he is God ya know. I believe he put those scriptures in there becuz he knows that, and so wants us to let go of those feelings, and instead live by His Word! What a smart God. I hope to live like that everyday. I know I could if I want to. We all could. Everyday.
Yesterday while I was in church, the P&W team played the song "Dance Like David Danced", and I was having a ball! I danced and jumped with all my might, and was filled with an amazing joy. While the orchestra was jamming with the song, and people were dancing, the guy who was leading yelled out "You can live like this everyday!". I was thinking about that a little bit yesterday, and some more today. He was so right. We could all be living like this EVERYDAY! If we would actually listen to the word of God, and cast our burdens on him, and trust in him with all our hearts, like he tells us to. Sometimes I think we take those scriptures on more as a mean command, unintentionally. It's not that way though. It's all to benifit us. ALL to benefit US! We tend to live on our feelings, and the Lord knows this, I mean he is God ya know. I believe he put those scriptures in there becuz he knows that, and so wants us to let go of those feelings, and instead live by His Word! What a smart God. I hope to live like that everyday. I know I could if I want to. We all could. Everyday.
Oct 16, 2000
THE ONE THING
You know how everything in your life is just going so well. I mean you couldn't be any happier. Or could you? See the truth is, not everything is so well. You know why? The One Thing. Maybe I'm the only one who deals with this. It's like that with me everytime. Whether it's something in my relationship with God, my relationship with God, a relationship with a guy, friends, or family, or I'm feeling lost, or alienated, it's always the one thing! I was talkin to one of my best friends not too long ago, and I told him, I'm sick of moving from one crisis to the next! It seems like as soon as the one thing gets resolved, here comes the next one thing. I keep wondering, ya know, why does this happen? Am I just some cursed chik, or something? My conclusion: No. I'm in fact a very blessed chik! I am a child of God! How much more blessed can I get? I hate the one thing. I hate it so much. But I realized what it is. I feel stupid for not realizing sooner. It's an attack from the devil. DUH! He wants to get me down, so I can't fulfill my purpose, and Gods will. He wants me to slack off. He knows that I hate the one thing. That's why he attacks me with it everytime. I mean it's something that just bugs me beyond belief. I get so frustrated. But I then I remember who I am. And who is in me. He's the reason I get through it. Without him, it wouldn't be the one thing. More like the 40 million things. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about this. When we were done we felt as if we had just done a promo for Seinfeld or Friends: "You know, it's always the one thing. My life can go perfectly, and I'll be soo happy. But then there's the one thing." "Yep, the one thing." "It never fails. It's always there. It never goes away. It's role changes, but it's always the one thing." "What is it with the one thing?" "I am so sik of this!" "It gets really old." "I don't want the one thing." "No one wants the one thing." selah "The One Thing."
You know how everything in your life is just going so well. I mean you couldn't be any happier. Or could you? See the truth is, not everything is so well. You know why? The One Thing. Maybe I'm the only one who deals with this. It's like that with me everytime. Whether it's something in my relationship with God, my relationship with God, a relationship with a guy, friends, or family, or I'm feeling lost, or alienated, it's always the one thing! I was talkin to one of my best friends not too long ago, and I told him, I'm sick of moving from one crisis to the next! It seems like as soon as the one thing gets resolved, here comes the next one thing. I keep wondering, ya know, why does this happen? Am I just some cursed chik, or something? My conclusion: No. I'm in fact a very blessed chik! I am a child of God! How much more blessed can I get? I hate the one thing. I hate it so much. But I realized what it is. I feel stupid for not realizing sooner. It's an attack from the devil. DUH! He wants to get me down, so I can't fulfill my purpose, and Gods will. He wants me to slack off. He knows that I hate the one thing. That's why he attacks me with it everytime. I mean it's something that just bugs me beyond belief. I get so frustrated. But I then I remember who I am. And who is in me. He's the reason I get through it. Without him, it wouldn't be the one thing. More like the 40 million things. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about this. When we were done we felt as if we had just done a promo for Seinfeld or Friends: "You know, it's always the one thing. My life can go perfectly, and I'll be soo happy. But then there's the one thing." "Yep, the one thing." "It never fails. It's always there. It never goes away. It's role changes, but it's always the one thing." "What is it with the one thing?" "I am so sik of this!" "It gets really old." "I don't want the one thing." "No one wants the one thing." selah "The One Thing."
Oct 10, 2000
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