I don't know the name of this feeling. I feel it when I think about the old him. Ya know how there's always the Him or Her that's always on your mind. Your infatuation, your love, or whatever you call it. You always refer to them as Him or Her. What is this I feel? It's when I think about this old him. When I see his name online. An old letter. I see a car that looks just like his. I hear a song that used to be fun for us. Us. Us. There used to be an Us. Not just us as in a group of us, but like Us. Why does he still lurk in my mind? He's not a part of me anymore. I don't ever see him. I took all of his junk out of my room pretty much. He's just an old him. I thought he'd always be Him though. But he's not now. And he wont ever be again. I don't want him to be. After everything that's happened, I don't think I could stand it. But I don't know what this feeling is. It's not anger. It's not sadness. It's not Love. It's not happiness. It's practically nothing. Like just blank whiteness, and blackness. Nothing. Is it regret? Pity? I know I don't want him back. So it can't be longing or pining or any of that stupidity. I've forgiven him, so it can't be hate, or anything of that nature. Sometimes I just stare at his name online and don't think a thing. Not a thing. He has a Her. I wonder though if he ever thinks about me. If he stares at my name while Im online. If he feels that blankness too. It's not anything. It's nothing. Nothing at all. He's over me of course. But does he feel that feeling? That unclassified feeling I feel? Does every single memory pass through his mind in about 5 seconds, cuz that's only how slow they'll reel? And when he does, is he on the outside looking in? Like a movie or a picture? Does he look back at some of the times, and think "Wow, was I a shmuck or what!? Feeling that way. Boy was I stupid."? I do. I think "I was feeling those feelings for him? How could I? I don't feel them now." Then sometimes I think, "I can't believe I don't feel that way now." Not becuz of him, but becuz of my loyalty to me, and my ground at the time. I was right, and how I felt was nothing less than correct. Does he do that too? Think about his loyalty to himself? I have a He right now too. Someone I think about, and care for. He's a friend, who I just couldn't do without. He's taught me something, that turned into many things. I appreciate him beyond what words could say. He's just awesome. I'm thankful for him. While he might not be a He (b/f), like the old he has a Her (g/f), he's still Him.

To Him: Remember who brought you into this world. They Love You. They only want what's best for you. Always appreciate them. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, and you wouldn't be so wonderful. There's so much more I wanna say, but you know what I'm thinking. You always do. Thank You. I Love You.

To the old him:

I sat here for 5 minutes and couldn't think of a thing. Why? I say so much all the time, why can't I say anything now? Do I have nothing to say? Or too much to say? It's Nothing.