"Ignorance is bliss."
Is it for the one who is getting ignored though? I don't like being ignored. I like being trusted. I like being liked. I love being loved. I don't like being ignored though. I like being happy. I like being smart. I like being goofy. I don't like being ignored though. I like being funny. I like being peaceful. I like being me. But I don't like being ignored.

Beyond the Water and the Melody... I've only had a small peice of the song on an mp3 I got off of T's Site. But I finally got it off of Napster today. I've been listening to it over and over and over, for an unknown reason. Kris says maybe Im reliving old memories. I dunno, maybe. Maybe it's just some new WD to listen to for me. :) Maybe it's out of fear (for those of you who don't know, it's a break up song). I'm not really with someone, but if whatever it is, was to end, I know I'd be dissapointed, for lack of a better word. But I'm not really in a mood where I'm analyzing that, or anything. It's something I've given up to God, and don't even really worry about. Or maybe I just need someone or something to relate to for a moment. It's hard finding that in a friend. People I usually do that with are either not relatable for some reason, or I just haven't talked to in awhile, and have lost that closeness with, but mainly lately, cuz I feel I'm the only one around here who gives a krap about who God really is, and how it's all about Him, and not us. The only person Im complete with, of course, is Jesus. I'm so right there with him right now. It's awesome. Maybe I just need something tangible for a moment. Cuz, "No one ever really see's me cry, or knows the thoughts inside my head, and no one, no one knows the fears." Seriously, it's not just a good line in a good song. No one see's me cry, I don't know why, but I don't like people seeing me do it. Maybe it's some weird strong front I put on, and if it is, I'm not even aware of it. Cuz I admit to be weak. I think I'm the only one who thinks the thoughts I think. I've only had a few instances with PJ where we've both thought a weird thing that we thought no one else did, and are still convinced we're the only ones who do. :) I never have a real problem with fear, but when I do have a fear, it's a quiet fear that I feel stupid for having. Maybe one day I'll find the words to put it in, if I ever get one again, and grace this blog with it's definition. Well, that's all I can think to say. I'll return to my BTWATM marathon now. :) If anyone reads this, would you be so kind as to tell me about your experiences when it comes to relating?

I'm so nervous about changing my hair color. I've had it Red for almost 5 years. And Im thinking about gradually going back to my natural color (a light brown w/ a few redish highlights) just to see what it would be like now. But this is like my RED hair. I dunno, maybe I'm just being a big baby about it. I can always go back to it, if I want to. But It's soooo nerve wrecking to me. I mean I LOVE my hair. I always like doing new hairstyles with it, and stuff. But the color has always been RED. And the thought of not having it is so weird! I was thinking a few weeks ago, Oh I'll just go back to the red if I don't like it, but now that I'm closer to the day (Friday afternoon), I'm like REALLY nervous and not so sure if I wanna do it. I could always do the brown next time I dye it, but I dunno. I'm so nervous! I know this seems like a REALLY stupid thing to be nervous about, but if I'm not comfortable with how I look, not how anyone else thinks I look, then I'm so blah! If anyone has any suggestions, let me know here. If you don't even know what I look like at all, but do wanna know, just ask to see a picture, and I'll send it to you, since I dont have one up yet. Just a few suggestions might help me get to a decision quiker.

Yay! I don't have menangitis!

WoW! That's the only way to describe how I feel about God. I'm so joyful, and ecstatic, and just thankful for where me and him are at right now in our relationship. I've never ever been at this place b4. It's incredible. Disappointed. That's how I feel about my friend's relationships with God. It's like they don't care. They know better than this, but it's almost like they think that being a "Christian", and doing the right thing, and praying, and being nice is gonna get them by. I know, they know better than this, but it's like this'll do for now. I have maybe 2 other friends that are atleast striving to be Godly men, and live out His word. Notice I said men. That's right, no g/f's who are trying to do the same. So becuz of that, they're still in their competitive girl mindsets. Like trying to make their lives sound better, and their relationships with guys seem livelier, and yet, they're under so much stress and pressure. It's like one big soap opera. And I'm sik of it!! They continue to look at girls who are so called "sluts" seem so awful, and talk about them, like "OMG, did you see who was dancing in church this morning?" It made me so angry! When this one girl passed by dancing in the isle, they were snickering, and laughing. Not cuz she was dancing, but becuz, she was only doing it to show off, so they think. When they pointed at her I said, "Well, Praise God!" I was standing there in the same row, right next to them, dancing, and shouting, and praising God with all my might, and they know all my faults, but becuz she was an "outsider", and a "slut", then it's no good.

I thought to myself, well atleast she is making an effort to praise God. Yesterdays service was incredible! The Holy Spirit came in, and I found myself on my face b4 God, worshipping him, then crying out for my generation, and then worshipping, and praising him all the more. And I had been in this thing for the past few weeks about how it's all about God, and not at all about me. Ironically, God put me in Ecclesiastes. And so I'm just in this incredible place with God, and there they are, yapping, and talking. I was like um, Hello!? Are you not getting the whole message!? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT GOD!! All it was yesterday was an awesome time to worship God, and they did diddily squat! I'm no one to judge, but I also know my friends. I've decided on a benefit for me, that I won't be sitting next to them anymore, which I haven't wanted to anyway. I've been wanting to sit w/ Joe, even though we sit behind him, but there's never any room cuz the first row is small. But I told him, and Shannon how I was feeling, and that I was sitting w/ them from now on. They told me the only thing I can do is set an example, and pray, and if I do want to talk to them I have to do it in love, and not in judgment, which I know. They also said I have to remember to have grace, becuz I used to be at the same place, and they had to deal with me. I just want God to get the Glory, and the Love, and the Worship He deserves. I mean, I want the whole world to do that, but I hate it so much, that people who call themselves "Christians", just don't take the time, in a church service to worship him! If anyone who reads this, thinks of it, pray for my friends. I want them to be at this place with God. And also pray, that mine will keep progressing, and getting better everyday, as it has been.

Thanx for doing that for me Maggie. This is as close to a computer animated version of me, made at StorTroopers . PJ modified the hair a lil, and put my name on my shirt, but yeah that's pretty much me. I'll try to get a real pic of me soon, since Maggie made me realize that Kris, Jodi, and Joel are the only Swimmers that know what I look like. Anywayz. I've got a lot to say that I will probably blog tonight. I've gotta go get ready for TAG and band practice. Peace

As I sit here, and look through the photo album of me and my friends at
our site, and chat with a few people, I can't help but cry these incredible tears of joy, that I'm so thankful to cry. I'm looking around, and I see that I have a house, I have a computer, I have a blanket, I have Daddys wind pants, I have fingers to type this. But the one thing that is really getting to me is I have Friends. Friends who I could never thank in words. Never could any word describe the gratitude I have. Friends are so incredible. A lot of times there are fights, and misunderstandings, and what-not, but what about the good stuff, that overcomes the bad? WoW! Thank You Lord for... (Since this is online anyway I'll do online friends first.) :)
Online Friends:
Kris- WoW! I can't believe how long we've known eachother. We've been through a lot, and none of it in person, and yet you've definetly become one of the greatest friends I've ever had. I love you.
Jodi- You can really make me laugh, and it's always a pleasure when I get to talk to you. I'm so glad we met!
Joel- You're my Horrie, and that's all there is to it.
C&Lisa- You guys are so wonderful! Thank you Lisa for being so sweet, and C, you might know a lot of useless things, but some of the discussions on the boards have proved that much of your wisdom is quite useful, and definetly appreciated in my book.
B- You are very gifted, and talented, and God calls you his own. I don't know why, but I feel that's what God told me to write.
Maggie- You are too kewl! Thanx for setting the blog stuff up for me, but besides that thanx for being you. :)
Jer- You're crazy. But in a good way. :)
Lisa Renee- I miss you like crazy, and I will cherish you in my heart always.
Methy- Our random chats have been fun. :) I look forward to many more.
Bet- I haven't talked to you too much, but you seem to be quite mature for your age, and that gives me hope for the younger ones I minister to.
Sco- Your honesty amazes me.
The Swimteam as a whole- You guys are so awesome, and I thank God for you everytime I log in. :)

Local Friends:
Heather- One of my best's. Thanx for stiking it out. You've been so kind.You rawk honey!
P.J.- You're a blessing, more than you know.
Devin- What can I say, you're The Stuff. :)
Amanda- Thanx for listening, and thanx for talking back. S&B!
Genet- Child o' God! You never cease to make me laugh.
Matt(hew)- Thanx for giving me the wierd looks. :) I really do appreciate you.
Obi- Keep growing in God. Im so proud of you. You're an encouragement to all of us.
Brigid- It aint over. :) We got awhile to go.
Sarah- Believe me, it aint over.
And theres so much more, but that's all I'll do for now.

Thank you God! I don't even deserve to have the kind of friends I have, but you love me SO MUCH that you just want to make me happy! WoW! You are so awesome, wonderful, amazing, and incredible, and just so indescribably Beautiful! Lord, please bring me to rememberance of this moment, when I get selfish, and have a pity party. You don't deserve to see your child throw a fit. There's nothing I can say Lord, except Thank you!

I am so thankful! Family is so wonderful! I have the most psycho family in the world. We've even had some of us get guns pulled on eachother by other family members, and other crazy stuff. But I love sitting around, talking about good times, bad times, laughing, and crying. Its the best feeling to be connected for a moment with family. Usually family gatherings end up badly, or just something bad happens. But tonight was good. And Im thankful. What about you?

Tonight was quite an interesting, and chaotic night. Annoying as well, for some of the part. The plans were to meet at the mall at 6, and then we'd head to the theatre to see Vertical limit at 7:15. So we (Me, Amanda, Taylor, and Matt) waited for 45 minutes for them, then decided to look for them, and came back at the same spot about 2 minutes later. So it was about 7:10 we decided to walk to the theatre since it was right next door, and we see PJ running towards the theatre, and needless to say we were quite curious as to why they were over here. So they explained they (PJ, Devin, and Mario) were lost trying to pick up Obi, and so were late. So PJ ran over to the mall, saying the others were going to meet him there, ad then come back to the theatre, so to go wait in line, and get the tikets. We get to the line and the guys are still there, saying they didn't tell PJ to meet them at the mall. So they run to get him, and when they come back they decide they don't want to see a movie after we had been waiting in line, and were next in line. So we were trying to figure out what to do, and since it was freezing outside, we decided to walk back to the mall, and get warm. But some of the guys decided to leave (Obi, Mario, and Devin). But then Devin catches up with us, and says he's going home. So we say ok we'll see you later. So we (Me, PJ, Amanda, Matt, and Taylor) head to the mall, and grab a bite to eat, and have a few little adventures. :) Later we find out that no one has seen Devin since he had told us he was going home. Everyone's calling his house, and other places trying to find him. Just a little bit ago I call his house, and he finally answers saying he's had it disconnected on purpose, and that he was mad at everyone. So I told him I'm sorry he was mad and that tonight didn't work out, but I'm just glad he was ok, and I knew he was home. He said "I'm so enlightened." So I was like "You being sarcastic?" And he said "Yeah and not funny sarcastic". So I said "Ok well, I'm glad you're ok, I'll talk to you later." "Bye". He also stated that everyone was following me to the mall, so I wouldn't get mad, and that he had not intended on speaking to anyone 'till Sunday cuz he's so mad. I wasn't the one leading to the mall, and I think to be so mad about this is quite petty. Sorry to everyone who is reading this. I'm just letting out my frustrations. But anywayz. It also made me think about how everyone gets so caught up in the petty trials of life, and forgets about the joys, and the gifts God has given to us, so they become bitter, and angry, and engage in utter nonsense. Myself included. I hate how I become so selfish, and throw a pity party when things aren't going "how I thought things would go". But how we think things are gonna go usually aren't how things are gonna go. We're not God, and are far from it. When we walk in the Spirit it doesn't mean things will be easier, but we'll be able to give those trials over to God, and go through them with joy, and peace knowing we are in Gods hands. And what an awesome place to be! Gods Hands!

John Reuben Rawks.

I miss Daddy. A lot. I feel like Im so alone when it comes to Daddy. I feel like Im the only one who cries about it anymore. I cry probably once a week or so about it. And when I do its those huge tears, and a headache, and a drenched collar type thing. In fact Im doing it now, and am having to take breaks in between typing. I don't know who's reading this or if anyone is for that matter. I don't care. All I know is I miss my Daddy. I don't ever really talk to anyone about the pain I go through when it comes to Daddy. I mean when he died, I was the strong one for the family, and didn't cry unless I was alone, or with an EXTREMELY close friend. NEVER in front of Mom or Taylor, and Heather (my sis's). I still don't, especially in front of my sisters. I hate that My husband isn't gonna know Daddy, or maybe he would have, but not when it's that time. I hate he's not gonna walk me down the isle. I hate that he's not here to do his goofy PeeWee Herman impression, and the Tequila dance he would do w/ big white platforms when I was little. I hate that he's not gonna dress up like a woman again, and embarrass me again, like he did during my 12th birthday party, and he called himself Ms. No-Doubtfire. I hate going back into little girl mode, and thinking about my Daddy who was the greatest guy in the world, and was never gonna leave me, and knowing he's not here.


I love Daddy so much. I think about him, and "talk" to him all the time. A lot of "Oh, Daddy. I wish you were here" 's. Why did it have to happen to me? Why couldnt have he just not died? I pray all the time, what I know anyone who is reading this is gonna call, silly prayers of, "God PLEASE. Can't you just bring him back so I can sit on his lap, and hug him for a few minutes? Can't you just give me access to him when I need him, and all I have to do is say Daddy, I need you? PLEASE!?" Sometimes I just wish God would take me already so I could see Daddy. I bet Daddy is watching me write this. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder what he thinks when it comes to a lot of the stuff I do. I think about that all the time. No one knows how much I think about him. I think about him more than anyone knows. I think it would surprise a lot of people how much I do.

I have a picture of my Mom, and Daddy on their wedding day hanging over my bed. They look so happy, and it's so adorable. Daddy's standing there w/ his platform shoes on, and Mom has her head leaning on his shoulder. I told myself Im gonna do that exact same pose when I get married. Im sure that sounds insane. I remember the day Mom took that picture down. I remember how angry I was, and how I felt like I was the only one who cared about Daddy anymore. She put it in her closet or something, and I remember saying something to my Mom like "How could you take that down!? I'm putting it in MY room." I felt as if I was rescuing it from some untimely death, or just rescuing Daddy from being forgotten. It makes me mad when people don't remember much about Daddy, or they just seem to not care when I say he's dead. It's like "How can you not care!? He was only the greatest guy to ever live! He worked so hard for our family! 12 hour days even while baring a kidney tumor! Even while having cancer eating away at his body! He was the greatest, and don't you DARE forget it!"

I remember one night, we had to go to the store in the middle of the night, cuz Mom was out of town, dealing w/ the coming death of her father, and the girls remembered a last minute thing they needed for school the next day, and Daddy didn't get the strength 'till then. We had this HUGE van you had to step up, and pull yourself up to get into. So he opened the door, and attempted to pull himself up, and he fell back trying to do it, cuz he had like NO muscle left. And this was 5 months b4 he died. I wanted to cry so bad when I saw that. But I wouldn't dare. I didn't want him to think he was putting me through anything.

Whenever Daddy, and I said, what I didn't think to be, our Goodbyes, it was an incredible moment for me. I had come up to the hospital 2 days b4 he died, and Mom told the girls how serious this was, and a lot of church people were there. He hadn't talked to anyone at all that day. He didn't have the strength. I had to leave to go home, and pack, cuz I was going on a trip w/ some girls to a lake house. So I went into the room, to get my stuff, and on the way out, I stopped, and looked at him, and said "Daddy, I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I leaving now. I just wanted to tell you I love you." So I'm fixin to be out the door, and he mustered up all the strength he had to mumble "I love you too". So I just kinda smiled, and walked out the door, and as soon as I got in the hall, I just busted out crying. I couldn't believe he did that just to say I love you to me. 2 days later Im at the lake house sleeping, and I sit up straight at exactly 8 am. And the first thought in my head was Daddy. I just kinda mumbled I love you Daddy. I go home later that night, and find out he died at exactly 8 am.

I miss Daddy. I love him so much.