There is a possibility I could be out of here by Christmas. How? In Nov. the house Shannon (Daddy's wife) has been leasing, right down the street from where she is now, to people for years, the lease will be up, so she's gonna move back into it, and has offered me a room of my own, plus her and Dad wanna get me a car!!
Very kewl, I know, but no one knows, and I cant tell my Mom...she would hate it. She doesnt like them very much cuz I moved out of the house last summer to live w/ them... they've been great to me, and she hasnt, and she knows it, yet holds it against them. They've done nothing but help me, encourage me, make me a better stronger person, so it's not my Mom I'm too concerned about, I just would hate to be far from my sisters... they're the ones Im worried about when I leave. I wanna make sure theyre ok, and that Heather is getting a good education (which btw Heather cant go back to school untill Monday cuz Mom hasn't kept up w/ the immunization records (which I FRIKIN told her to do!!), so we have to wait till the records are in our possesion, and she has her last shot! UGH!!). I'm just not sure what to do, I don't want the family, or house, or my sis's to end up BLAH! But this would be such a great opportunity.
Something else factoring in to this, is that I have applied to be a police dispatcher (they're wanting to hire young people in their early 20's!!), but it's on THIS side of town. So if I get it, I'm gonna stay over here, cuz it would be good pay, I'd work for the city, so the benefits would be incredible! But should I stay for that? Yes, and no I guess. If I don't get it, then I would definetly consider going w/ Shannon. I don't know I'm just confused. I know I have a little while untill I have to decide, but everyday I get an extra push to go away, but I feel responsible for my sisters... I dunno. :Sigh:
Aug 21, 2003
Aug 5, 2003
Aug 4, 2003
The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy to say the least. But this weekend was probably one of the funnest I have had in my life! I'll tell more about that at the end of the blog. But recently, I've had a few people come back into my life, some I didn't want in my life, and didn't really care about as far as their involvement in it. Then some, one in particular, whose loss of their friendship had been quit disheartening, and one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. The first mentioned, is an ex boyfriend (PJ) who has been going through a very tough time, and had been talking to me about it. I decided to take a chance on being nice to him, and thought I'd be able to help him. He said he was willing to give me the opportunity to do so, which was a pretty big deal, since he has been very closed off to people. It ended up backfiring on me, since he blames me for a lot of the krap in his life (living in his car, no job, no money, a broken heart from the g/f he had just broke up with, his warped view of God, and spirituality in general), and was holding it against me. He came over one night threatening to kill himself, and showed up the next day acting like nothing had ever happened. I told him I was done w/ his crap. I could be at peace with him, since we were both hangin out with the same people, but I wasn't gonna allow him to treat me the way he had been while I was trying to do nothing except be a friend to him, and help him out. I found out he's actually missed me quite a bit, and even got a bit jealous of my hanging out w/ a friend of who took me out on one of the best nights of my life. Oh well.
Then for the second person, she was one of the greatest, dearest, sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. Someone I could learn a lot from. One of the most opposite people from me, but we got along wonderfully. Some things happened earlier in the year that put a huge damper on our relationship. Completely my fault, and something I don't wanna get into, but I hurt her deeply. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago that we finally talked about it after an accidental run-in. My heart about soared and sank at the same time when she told me she had missed our friendship, and was willing to slowly start it up again. I praise God for the chance to be friends with her again. She means more to me than a lot of people do. I pray I will be the greatest friend I could ever be to her.
As far as home, and family goes, things are pretty bad at the moment. Thursday night, we were all gonna have a family meeting w/ my family's pastor and sort stuff out, since things had not been going well at all. Jason ended up storming out w/in the first 5 minutes of the meeting, cuz he wanted to do it HIS way, without me and my sisters, and without a witness (there had already been a meeting w/ just Mom and Jason a few weeks ago, and without a witness, and things had not changed much at all; in fact in some ways got worse). But that wasn't gonna happen, so he went to his room, slammed the door and pouted like a baby, while the rest of us out in the living room talked about what had been going on. To sum up what happened over the next 5 hours, basically the girls and I decided that we wanted him out. A time of separation for him, Mom, and us. Mom didn't think it was a bad idea, seeing as how things had NOT been getting better w/ them living together (they fight all the time, he treats her like a child, demands that food be prepared for him when he wants it, and runs this house close to a dictatorship, just to name a few things; it doesn't help that Mom's been dealing w/ depression, and is very emotional).
So when he finally came out after leaving for a while we told him what we thought would be the best solution for things to work out. Just to leave for a while, get a job, stable, work out relationship problems, get counseling, and then move back in when they both were able to act like adults with each other. He was REALLY mad about that idea, thought we were all full of it, had no right to ask him to leave, and said it wasn't fair. He continuously uses the phrase "That's not fair to me." He talks about how hard it is to be in the situation he is in, being out of jail for the 2nd time (first time manslaughter, 2nd time broke parole), being married to a woman with teenage girls, and all (he's actually called us mouths to feed, and feels he doesn't have any responsibility to take care of us, or anything. All that matters is him and Mom), and besides, where was he supposed to go if he left? I told him "You're a man, figure it out". So it concluded that Mom would sleep on it, and decide later. He of course said if he left he wouldn't come back. Apologized profusely for how "wrong" he is (when me, and my sisters, and the pastor aren't around), and he wanted to work things out. Same ol' $h!t I've heard before. That's how I see it. He's still here, and I guess Mom isn't gonna do anything, I dunno. All I know is I haven't talked to him since that night, don't plan to, and don't believe a thing he says. If he wants me to believe anything, I have to see it. I'm tired of all his lame excuses, I'm just tired of HIM! I can't stand him!
I'm at my wits end with my whole life honestly. I hate my life as it is right now. It just plain sux. I don't have any real friends around me, all the negativity around me constantly in this house, there has been nothing as far as a job goes, I need to move out, and I can't until I get a job, and it's gonna be super hard for me to have a job w/out a car. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't cry too often, unless I'm really angry, cuz that's the only way I feel like I can vent it, and I've been crying more in the past 4 days then I think I have in the last year. Mom tells me lastnight, that I have to find out how to register Heather for school, and take care of all of that for her. Ugh. I'm sorry but that's not my responsibility, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm about to go nuts with everything that is being put on me, plus having to get a job, maybe 2 with all of this. I just need a lot of prayer at the moment, my strength is running out, and I feel as if my sanity is. I must be in the middle of my night... I just wish the morning would come with joy, as is promised in the Word already!
On the good side, my friend Eric came into town this weekend, and we went up to school Saturday morning to go see some of our friends, my best friend in particular (Sweet 'n' Low). So it was great to see her. She's up there working for the summer, but she will be back next Saturday THANK GOD! Then we came back, and got all dressed up. Went out to eat at Bennigans (if you haven't tried the Monte Cristo, you don't know what you're missing!), then went downtown to go see Chicago, the musical from Broadway! It was in town last week, and I had the best time! I LOVE musicals! I have soundtracks to some (Phantom of the Opera, Rent, etc.), but had never seen any. So I got to see my first, and it was the most incredible thing! I was just amazed at the pure talent these people have! It was awesome!! Came home to a friend getting online, while I was on for a few minutes, just to tell me he loved me. Good ending to a good day. Then Sunday I got to hang out w/ my Dad's wife all day, then met up w/ Sweet and whole bunch of other summer staff, and hung out at the mall, cuz they came in town for Bro. Tommy's birthday, so that was fun. Then watched DareDevil when I got home that night, which was ok. It was nice to escape the house for 21 hours or so this weekend. I'll be able to do that more soon w/ a job, and since Sweet will be back around. I just need to get out of here.
Then for the second person, she was one of the greatest, dearest, sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. Someone I could learn a lot from. One of the most opposite people from me, but we got along wonderfully. Some things happened earlier in the year that put a huge damper on our relationship. Completely my fault, and something I don't wanna get into, but I hurt her deeply. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago that we finally talked about it after an accidental run-in. My heart about soared and sank at the same time when she told me she had missed our friendship, and was willing to slowly start it up again. I praise God for the chance to be friends with her again. She means more to me than a lot of people do. I pray I will be the greatest friend I could ever be to her.
As far as home, and family goes, things are pretty bad at the moment. Thursday night, we were all gonna have a family meeting w/ my family's pastor and sort stuff out, since things had not been going well at all. Jason ended up storming out w/in the first 5 minutes of the meeting, cuz he wanted to do it HIS way, without me and my sisters, and without a witness (there had already been a meeting w/ just Mom and Jason a few weeks ago, and without a witness, and things had not changed much at all; in fact in some ways got worse). But that wasn't gonna happen, so he went to his room, slammed the door and pouted like a baby, while the rest of us out in the living room talked about what had been going on. To sum up what happened over the next 5 hours, basically the girls and I decided that we wanted him out. A time of separation for him, Mom, and us. Mom didn't think it was a bad idea, seeing as how things had NOT been getting better w/ them living together (they fight all the time, he treats her like a child, demands that food be prepared for him when he wants it, and runs this house close to a dictatorship, just to name a few things; it doesn't help that Mom's been dealing w/ depression, and is very emotional).
So when he finally came out after leaving for a while we told him what we thought would be the best solution for things to work out. Just to leave for a while, get a job, stable, work out relationship problems, get counseling, and then move back in when they both were able to act like adults with each other. He was REALLY mad about that idea, thought we were all full of it, had no right to ask him to leave, and said it wasn't fair. He continuously uses the phrase "That's not fair to me." He talks about how hard it is to be in the situation he is in, being out of jail for the 2nd time (first time manslaughter, 2nd time broke parole), being married to a woman with teenage girls, and all (he's actually called us mouths to feed, and feels he doesn't have any responsibility to take care of us, or anything. All that matters is him and Mom), and besides, where was he supposed to go if he left? I told him "You're a man, figure it out". So it concluded that Mom would sleep on it, and decide later. He of course said if he left he wouldn't come back. Apologized profusely for how "wrong" he is (when me, and my sisters, and the pastor aren't around), and he wanted to work things out. Same ol' $h!t I've heard before. That's how I see it. He's still here, and I guess Mom isn't gonna do anything, I dunno. All I know is I haven't talked to him since that night, don't plan to, and don't believe a thing he says. If he wants me to believe anything, I have to see it. I'm tired of all his lame excuses, I'm just tired of HIM! I can't stand him!
I'm at my wits end with my whole life honestly. I hate my life as it is right now. It just plain sux. I don't have any real friends around me, all the negativity around me constantly in this house, there has been nothing as far as a job goes, I need to move out, and I can't until I get a job, and it's gonna be super hard for me to have a job w/out a car. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't cry too often, unless I'm really angry, cuz that's the only way I feel like I can vent it, and I've been crying more in the past 4 days then I think I have in the last year. Mom tells me lastnight, that I have to find out how to register Heather for school, and take care of all of that for her. Ugh. I'm sorry but that's not my responsibility, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm about to go nuts with everything that is being put on me, plus having to get a job, maybe 2 with all of this. I just need a lot of prayer at the moment, my strength is running out, and I feel as if my sanity is. I must be in the middle of my night... I just wish the morning would come with joy, as is promised in the Word already!
On the good side, my friend Eric came into town this weekend, and we went up to school Saturday morning to go see some of our friends, my best friend in particular (Sweet 'n' Low). So it was great to see her. She's up there working for the summer, but she will be back next Saturday THANK GOD! Then we came back, and got all dressed up. Went out to eat at Bennigans (if you haven't tried the Monte Cristo, you don't know what you're missing!), then went downtown to go see Chicago, the musical from Broadway! It was in town last week, and I had the best time! I LOVE musicals! I have soundtracks to some (Phantom of the Opera, Rent, etc.), but had never seen any. So I got to see my first, and it was the most incredible thing! I was just amazed at the pure talent these people have! It was awesome!! Came home to a friend getting online, while I was on for a few minutes, just to tell me he loved me. Good ending to a good day. Then Sunday I got to hang out w/ my Dad's wife all day, then met up w/ Sweet and whole bunch of other summer staff, and hung out at the mall, cuz they came in town for Bro. Tommy's birthday, so that was fun. Then watched DareDevil when I got home that night, which was ok. It was nice to escape the house for 21 hours or so this weekend. I'll be able to do that more soon w/ a job, and since Sweet will be back around. I just need to get out of here.
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