Wow, so I know it's been an extremely long time since I have posted anything on here. It's been a crazy past 2 months. I'll try to sum things up quickly. #1- Jason is gone. He decided to be a big man one day and throw my mom into the TV, and bang her up pretty bad. I called the cops, he got hauled off to jail, the cops set a protective order against him, his court date is this Friday. I pray he gets the full 16 months. Mom had a hard time at first but she's doing much better now. We're all able to laugh, joke, have fun, and do what we want! #2- I LOVE my church! It's been great getting to know the people better, hanging out with them. I can't wait 'til Im living out there. Glen and Zina (Pastor and his wife) are the greatest. I house sat for them for about 5 days, which was fun. I learned how to cook some, had time to think, and accomplish some personal projects. We just got done w/ a Halloween outreach with the kids, so that was a lot of fun, and a lot of work. Oh! My best friend (Sweet) is now the Childrens Pastor! Yay! #3- No Job Yet! I'm still tutoring my sister, helping the other with her homework, doing work around the house, and things like that. I would have one, but we only have one vehicle right now, which Mom is using all day, everyday. So I haven't been able to go out. I ask her if she can pick up apps for me, but she forgets. #4- I'm pretty sure I will be moving out soon. I know I keep saying that, but it looks like it might really happen right now. I will be moving in w/ Sweet, getting a job around there, after a month I will go out to get a car, and then I will be pretty set. With no help from my mother. The only thing that could stop me is if Lisa (Sweet's sister) and her family don't move out, and they will cuz they already signed papers.#5- Something between me and my Mom. She is being very unreliable right now, extremely selfish, and at times quite rude to me. I've tried so hard to change my attitude towards her, and after a good conversation w/ Christian I was more than determined to do it. Then she tells me that she will not allow me to use the truck, after the van get's fixed, when I move out to get back and forth from work, even though I said I would take over payments for her. She wants the truck, incase something happens to the van (it's a good car, just needs new brake pads), plus Taylor might need it. Tay doesnt even know how to drive! So needless to say I'm a little upset. I'm hoping after I move out things will get better. I'm happy to say though she finally got a job. She started training today at a new cafe in town. Hopefully things will look better for her financially.
I need yall to be praying that I can find ways to teach my sisters how to be good stewards of their money, financially wise, make budgets for themselves, save, and plan. My Mom has not set a good example with that at all, but I thank God I just am that way, and was grounded in it more while I was away at school. Also pray that moving out, getting a job, and a car, and established will all work out quickly and smoothly this time. I'm ready, willing, and able to do it, so I know I can. May The Grace, Peace, and Strength of our Holy, Glorious Father be with your spirit.
Nov 3, 2003
Sep 8, 2003
Written on August 25th- Along with everyone's great advice, I got another good peice today... This lady said to me, that since I feel so stiffled in the house, I don't like the person I am, I'm sad, and angry all the time, even if I don't show it... she said that maybe I would be a better help to my sisters outside the house by showing them a good, happy, prosperous me, that I could be a better light to them , and offer them some great encouragement, when I myself am doing as great as I tell them they could be doing... and I think she's right. I'm always at about a 9 on a scale from 1 -10, when it comes to tension and feeling like I'm about to bust... and I NEVER wanna take it out on my sisters. If I am away from here, I know I can be back to my better self... my much better self.
I think I'm gonna stick w/ getting this job out here, then when it approaches the time to move out there, I will apply at some of the police stations out in that area (assuming that I get the job out here), but if they don't work out over there, I will just commute. Please pray that I do get this job you guys... the benefits would be fab-tastic, and would look good for me in the future. I REALLY want it. Thanx again. Yall are such a support to me!
Written August 31st- Ok, so BIG blowup in the house yesterday (Friday). I learned from my sister Heather, that Jason (Mom's husband) told her something he heard about me that was a big lie, refering to it as how she shouldn't take my example and all the bad mistakes I've mad. What's so dumb is the "mistake" I supposedly made "happened" a long time ago! I decided I would calmly ask him to please not discuss my buisness with people, especially when he has no idea what he is talking about, becuz it's gossip. Which I did... so he starts talking about all the bad mistakes I made in life (in my young stupid teenage years, mind you), and is YELLING at me... I told him I didn't want to get into anything with him, just please don't talk about me anymore... we did this circle about 10 times, before I finally couldn't handle him YELLING at me anymore so I said "Ya know what!? F*** You!" And left the room, he chases me down the hall yelling at me still, I flicked him off, told him to get out of my face I wasn't doing this with him and he wouldn't let up. So we did this for about 10 minutes, he left the room, came back ranting about how he didn't understand why we treated him so bad, so I said Becuz your a dumba$$. He called me a little girl and said I shopuld respect him, threatened to throw my $h!t in the street, and took the keys away from me. He got in Taylor's (my other little sister) face, and she is super sensitive and can't take fighting and yelling, and it took everything in me not to go hit him in his face! Hetaher said she saw me ball up my fist, head towards him, and say a bunch of stuff, then control myself. I was so worked up the whole time, my knees were literally shaking. Then he left to take my Mom somewhere. That's when I started crying. When he came back he threw the keys on my bed (thanx to Mom telling him to give me the keys; btw- she totally agrees with me, and thinks he's wrong). So I grabbed my sisters and we left... I decided to get them away from the house, took them out to a small lunch with the little money I had saved up, and even a Starbucks visit (my sisters are worth the setback (I'll explain the setback in a sec). I had to go babysit overnight somewhere lastnight so good thing I didn't have to come home. Mom and him have been fighting since then.
Mom told me today though that he told her he sees that he overeacted, and shouldn't have been that way (I told my Mom yeah, thats what he told YOU). Also, I hurt his feelings. I told my Mom, I didnt care, and now he knew how I felt for the last 2 months! I said I'm sorry I cussed, but I'm not sorry I cussed At HIM or "hurt his feelings". ::Big Sigh:: I get to go see Shannon and Daddy tomorrow thank God! I'm gonna tell them yes I will accept their offer for me to move in.
Ok, for the setback, back in June I got a ticket for speeding, cuz my cousin was gonna be late for work, and I was going too fast (I didn't know that I was though honestly). I took care of it with Def Driving. Well I got another like a week or so ago, cuz there was all kinds of Drama at the house and I was freaking out crying in the car on the way to get my Mom, and I had just had to say G'bye to my best friend who was moving all the way to Oregon (I'm in Tx), so I wasn't paying attention to my speed. I got pulled over and now have ANOTHER ticket to take care of. Not only will I have a court fee, but I can't do Def. Driving, so will have to pay like $200 for the ticket! I'm not a speeder when I'm driving which makes this suck even worse! I was thinking of a way to get to SS that might work out, but now that's completely out the window, since I don't even have money to take care of this ticket in 5 days! I can't tell my Mom cuz she'll freak out about even more money since this will up the insurance... I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. Please pray you guys. I don't know what to do anymore.
Written September 2nd- I got to get away for about 2 whole days, hung out w/ my best friend, and my Dad was in town, and some other friends from college came in town... it was great! When I came home Monday night Jason made my little sister get out of bed, and my cousin too (both have to get up at 6am and it was 11 o'clock already), becuz he wanted to talk. What happened was he started saying how he's the head of the house, so things were gonna go his way. He made all these new rules, and restrictions for everyone to follow. For example, We are no longer allowed to watch movies, tv (unless it's christian or educational), listen to music unless it's worship, we can't have anything on our walls unless it has something to do with Jesus, no magazines, and no non-christian websites. He wanted to stick it to me a few times so mentioned Tim McGraw like 7 times during this lecture. Everthing has to be out fo the house. Also I can't go to my church (where I am the youth pastor at) becuz we should all be going to church as a family (what family?), and becuz the vehicle I use is "his" vehicle (yeah right! He hasnt paid a dime on the cars, house, or anything), and he's taking an unnecesary risk letting me use it (whatever Mr. suspended drivers liscence, yet driving all over anyway). I mean a bunch of bull$h!t! He didnt even talk to my Mom about it, he sat her down w/ us to tell her what to do too, then asked her after he said the bottom line, how she felt about it. She disagreed with all of it, and he said too bad, that's how it was. She's saying she's thinking about kicking him out (but she says that every week). This is just ridiculous. I told finally told her that I am moving out in December, and she was sad, and cried, but she understands I guess.
I hate that I hate him, I don't wanna hate anyone. And I hate the person I am becoming. I'm just angry, and sad, and annoyed all the time. I wanna be the REAL me again. The happy, fun, strong me. December isn't coming fast enough! LOL I'm doing what I can while I can though. Yalls support means a lot to me. Thanx for letting me come here and vent... I'd probably go nuts!
Written Today September 8th- I got a job for the week doing some filing, and copying and things for a collection agency my friend works at... Very Kewl! I work in an office, and by myself... 2 things I like. A lot of time to think, pray, and be at peace. I like to work on my feet, cuz I can move around w/ the different stacks, and stuff but after being on my feet for 6 hours they made me get a chair. I shoud have done it sooner though, cuz my back is paying for it now. So I'll be out of the house and making some money (So I won't be here much this week cuz I goot get up early). I'm gonna take an application into Kohl's this week, so I can work over here for awhile, and then transfer to the other side of town.
I also might be out of here a lot sooner than I thought!! My best friend and I are thinking about moving out together, or both just staying in the big room at her step-dad's house (he's real kewl). I think eventually I'll transition into staying w/ my Dad, and Shannon though when the house situation works out in December, since they've offered me a car to drive. Anywayz, some things are looking up, I'm picking myself up off the floor, starting to get back into my Bible the way I used to, and am beginning to turn my eyes back in the right direction. Thanx for all the prayers and encouragement.
I think I'm gonna stick w/ getting this job out here, then when it approaches the time to move out there, I will apply at some of the police stations out in that area (assuming that I get the job out here), but if they don't work out over there, I will just commute. Please pray that I do get this job you guys... the benefits would be fab-tastic, and would look good for me in the future. I REALLY want it. Thanx again. Yall are such a support to me!
Written August 31st- Ok, so BIG blowup in the house yesterday (Friday). I learned from my sister Heather, that Jason (Mom's husband) told her something he heard about me that was a big lie, refering to it as how she shouldn't take my example and all the bad mistakes I've mad. What's so dumb is the "mistake" I supposedly made "happened" a long time ago! I decided I would calmly ask him to please not discuss my buisness with people, especially when he has no idea what he is talking about, becuz it's gossip. Which I did... so he starts talking about all the bad mistakes I made in life (in my young stupid teenage years, mind you), and is YELLING at me... I told him I didn't want to get into anything with him, just please don't talk about me anymore... we did this circle about 10 times, before I finally couldn't handle him YELLING at me anymore so I said "Ya know what!? F*** You!" And left the room, he chases me down the hall yelling at me still, I flicked him off, told him to get out of my face I wasn't doing this with him and he wouldn't let up. So we did this for about 10 minutes, he left the room, came back ranting about how he didn't understand why we treated him so bad, so I said Becuz your a dumba$$. He called me a little girl and said I shopuld respect him, threatened to throw my $h!t in the street, and took the keys away from me. He got in Taylor's (my other little sister) face, and she is super sensitive and can't take fighting and yelling, and it took everything in me not to go hit him in his face! Hetaher said she saw me ball up my fist, head towards him, and say a bunch of stuff, then control myself. I was so worked up the whole time, my knees were literally shaking. Then he left to take my Mom somewhere. That's when I started crying. When he came back he threw the keys on my bed (thanx to Mom telling him to give me the keys; btw- she totally agrees with me, and thinks he's wrong). So I grabbed my sisters and we left... I decided to get them away from the house, took them out to a small lunch with the little money I had saved up, and even a Starbucks visit (my sisters are worth the setback (I'll explain the setback in a sec). I had to go babysit overnight somewhere lastnight so good thing I didn't have to come home. Mom and him have been fighting since then.
Mom told me today though that he told her he sees that he overeacted, and shouldn't have been that way (I told my Mom yeah, thats what he told YOU). Also, I hurt his feelings. I told my Mom, I didnt care, and now he knew how I felt for the last 2 months! I said I'm sorry I cussed, but I'm not sorry I cussed At HIM or "hurt his feelings". ::Big Sigh:: I get to go see Shannon and Daddy tomorrow thank God! I'm gonna tell them yes I will accept their offer for me to move in.
Ok, for the setback, back in June I got a ticket for speeding, cuz my cousin was gonna be late for work, and I was going too fast (I didn't know that I was though honestly). I took care of it with Def Driving. Well I got another like a week or so ago, cuz there was all kinds of Drama at the house and I was freaking out crying in the car on the way to get my Mom, and I had just had to say G'bye to my best friend who was moving all the way to Oregon (I'm in Tx), so I wasn't paying attention to my speed. I got pulled over and now have ANOTHER ticket to take care of. Not only will I have a court fee, but I can't do Def. Driving, so will have to pay like $200 for the ticket! I'm not a speeder when I'm driving which makes this suck even worse! I was thinking of a way to get to SS that might work out, but now that's completely out the window, since I don't even have money to take care of this ticket in 5 days! I can't tell my Mom cuz she'll freak out about even more money since this will up the insurance... I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. Please pray you guys. I don't know what to do anymore.
Written September 2nd- I got to get away for about 2 whole days, hung out w/ my best friend, and my Dad was in town, and some other friends from college came in town... it was great! When I came home Monday night Jason made my little sister get out of bed, and my cousin too (both have to get up at 6am and it was 11 o'clock already), becuz he wanted to talk. What happened was he started saying how he's the head of the house, so things were gonna go his way. He made all these new rules, and restrictions for everyone to follow. For example, We are no longer allowed to watch movies, tv (unless it's christian or educational), listen to music unless it's worship, we can't have anything on our walls unless it has something to do with Jesus, no magazines, and no non-christian websites. He wanted to stick it to me a few times so mentioned Tim McGraw like 7 times during this lecture. Everthing has to be out fo the house. Also I can't go to my church (where I am the youth pastor at) becuz we should all be going to church as a family (what family?), and becuz the vehicle I use is "his" vehicle (yeah right! He hasnt paid a dime on the cars, house, or anything), and he's taking an unnecesary risk letting me use it (whatever Mr. suspended drivers liscence, yet driving all over anyway). I mean a bunch of bull$h!t! He didnt even talk to my Mom about it, he sat her down w/ us to tell her what to do too, then asked her after he said the bottom line, how she felt about it. She disagreed with all of it, and he said too bad, that's how it was. She's saying she's thinking about kicking him out (but she says that every week). This is just ridiculous. I told finally told her that I am moving out in December, and she was sad, and cried, but she understands I guess.
I hate that I hate him, I don't wanna hate anyone. And I hate the person I am becoming. I'm just angry, and sad, and annoyed all the time. I wanna be the REAL me again. The happy, fun, strong me. December isn't coming fast enough! LOL I'm doing what I can while I can though. Yalls support means a lot to me. Thanx for letting me come here and vent... I'd probably go nuts!
Written Today September 8th- I got a job for the week doing some filing, and copying and things for a collection agency my friend works at... Very Kewl! I work in an office, and by myself... 2 things I like. A lot of time to think, pray, and be at peace. I like to work on my feet, cuz I can move around w/ the different stacks, and stuff but after being on my feet for 6 hours they made me get a chair. I shoud have done it sooner though, cuz my back is paying for it now. So I'll be out of the house and making some money (So I won't be here much this week cuz I goot get up early). I'm gonna take an application into Kohl's this week, so I can work over here for awhile, and then transfer to the other side of town.
I also might be out of here a lot sooner than I thought!! My best friend and I are thinking about moving out together, or both just staying in the big room at her step-dad's house (he's real kewl). I think eventually I'll transition into staying w/ my Dad, and Shannon though when the house situation works out in December, since they've offered me a car to drive. Anywayz, some things are looking up, I'm picking myself up off the floor, starting to get back into my Bible the way I used to, and am beginning to turn my eyes back in the right direction. Thanx for all the prayers and encouragement.
Aug 21, 2003
There is a possibility I could be out of here by Christmas. How? In Nov. the house Shannon (Daddy's wife) has been leasing, right down the street from where she is now, to people for years, the lease will be up, so she's gonna move back into it, and has offered me a room of my own, plus her and Dad wanna get me a car!!
Very kewl, I know, but no one knows, and I cant tell my Mom...she would hate it. She doesnt like them very much cuz I moved out of the house last summer to live w/ them... they've been great to me, and she hasnt, and she knows it, yet holds it against them. They've done nothing but help me, encourage me, make me a better stronger person, so it's not my Mom I'm too concerned about, I just would hate to be far from my sisters... they're the ones Im worried about when I leave. I wanna make sure theyre ok, and that Heather is getting a good education (which btw Heather cant go back to school untill Monday cuz Mom hasn't kept up w/ the immunization records (which I FRIKIN told her to do!!), so we have to wait till the records are in our possesion, and she has her last shot! UGH!!). I'm just not sure what to do, I don't want the family, or house, or my sis's to end up BLAH! But this would be such a great opportunity.
Something else factoring in to this, is that I have applied to be a police dispatcher (they're wanting to hire young people in their early 20's!!), but it's on THIS side of town. So if I get it, I'm gonna stay over here, cuz it would be good pay, I'd work for the city, so the benefits would be incredible! But should I stay for that? Yes, and no I guess. If I don't get it, then I would definetly consider going w/ Shannon. I don't know I'm just confused. I know I have a little while untill I have to decide, but everyday I get an extra push to go away, but I feel responsible for my sisters... I dunno. :Sigh:
Very kewl, I know, but no one knows, and I cant tell my Mom...she would hate it. She doesnt like them very much cuz I moved out of the house last summer to live w/ them... they've been great to me, and she hasnt, and she knows it, yet holds it against them. They've done nothing but help me, encourage me, make me a better stronger person, so it's not my Mom I'm too concerned about, I just would hate to be far from my sisters... they're the ones Im worried about when I leave. I wanna make sure theyre ok, and that Heather is getting a good education (which btw Heather cant go back to school untill Monday cuz Mom hasn't kept up w/ the immunization records (which I FRIKIN told her to do!!), so we have to wait till the records are in our possesion, and she has her last shot! UGH!!). I'm just not sure what to do, I don't want the family, or house, or my sis's to end up BLAH! But this would be such a great opportunity.
Something else factoring in to this, is that I have applied to be a police dispatcher (they're wanting to hire young people in their early 20's!!), but it's on THIS side of town. So if I get it, I'm gonna stay over here, cuz it would be good pay, I'd work for the city, so the benefits would be incredible! But should I stay for that? Yes, and no I guess. If I don't get it, then I would definetly consider going w/ Shannon. I don't know I'm just confused. I know I have a little while untill I have to decide, but everyday I get an extra push to go away, but I feel responsible for my sisters... I dunno. :Sigh:
Aug 5, 2003
Aug 4, 2003
The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy to say the least. But this weekend was probably one of the funnest I have had in my life! I'll tell more about that at the end of the blog. But recently, I've had a few people come back into my life, some I didn't want in my life, and didn't really care about as far as their involvement in it. Then some, one in particular, whose loss of their friendship had been quit disheartening, and one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. The first mentioned, is an ex boyfriend (PJ) who has been going through a very tough time, and had been talking to me about it. I decided to take a chance on being nice to him, and thought I'd be able to help him. He said he was willing to give me the opportunity to do so, which was a pretty big deal, since he has been very closed off to people. It ended up backfiring on me, since he blames me for a lot of the krap in his life (living in his car, no job, no money, a broken heart from the g/f he had just broke up with, his warped view of God, and spirituality in general), and was holding it against me. He came over one night threatening to kill himself, and showed up the next day acting like nothing had ever happened. I told him I was done w/ his crap. I could be at peace with him, since we were both hangin out with the same people, but I wasn't gonna allow him to treat me the way he had been while I was trying to do nothing except be a friend to him, and help him out. I found out he's actually missed me quite a bit, and even got a bit jealous of my hanging out w/ a friend of who took me out on one of the best nights of my life. Oh well.
Then for the second person, she was one of the greatest, dearest, sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. Someone I could learn a lot from. One of the most opposite people from me, but we got along wonderfully. Some things happened earlier in the year that put a huge damper on our relationship. Completely my fault, and something I don't wanna get into, but I hurt her deeply. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago that we finally talked about it after an accidental run-in. My heart about soared and sank at the same time when she told me she had missed our friendship, and was willing to slowly start it up again. I praise God for the chance to be friends with her again. She means more to me than a lot of people do. I pray I will be the greatest friend I could ever be to her.
As far as home, and family goes, things are pretty bad at the moment. Thursday night, we were all gonna have a family meeting w/ my family's pastor and sort stuff out, since things had not been going well at all. Jason ended up storming out w/in the first 5 minutes of the meeting, cuz he wanted to do it HIS way, without me and my sisters, and without a witness (there had already been a meeting w/ just Mom and Jason a few weeks ago, and without a witness, and things had not changed much at all; in fact in some ways got worse). But that wasn't gonna happen, so he went to his room, slammed the door and pouted like a baby, while the rest of us out in the living room talked about what had been going on. To sum up what happened over the next 5 hours, basically the girls and I decided that we wanted him out. A time of separation for him, Mom, and us. Mom didn't think it was a bad idea, seeing as how things had NOT been getting better w/ them living together (they fight all the time, he treats her like a child, demands that food be prepared for him when he wants it, and runs this house close to a dictatorship, just to name a few things; it doesn't help that Mom's been dealing w/ depression, and is very emotional).
So when he finally came out after leaving for a while we told him what we thought would be the best solution for things to work out. Just to leave for a while, get a job, stable, work out relationship problems, get counseling, and then move back in when they both were able to act like adults with each other. He was REALLY mad about that idea, thought we were all full of it, had no right to ask him to leave, and said it wasn't fair. He continuously uses the phrase "That's not fair to me." He talks about how hard it is to be in the situation he is in, being out of jail for the 2nd time (first time manslaughter, 2nd time broke parole), being married to a woman with teenage girls, and all (he's actually called us mouths to feed, and feels he doesn't have any responsibility to take care of us, or anything. All that matters is him and Mom), and besides, where was he supposed to go if he left? I told him "You're a man, figure it out". So it concluded that Mom would sleep on it, and decide later. He of course said if he left he wouldn't come back. Apologized profusely for how "wrong" he is (when me, and my sisters, and the pastor aren't around), and he wanted to work things out. Same ol' $h!t I've heard before. That's how I see it. He's still here, and I guess Mom isn't gonna do anything, I dunno. All I know is I haven't talked to him since that night, don't plan to, and don't believe a thing he says. If he wants me to believe anything, I have to see it. I'm tired of all his lame excuses, I'm just tired of HIM! I can't stand him!
I'm at my wits end with my whole life honestly. I hate my life as it is right now. It just plain sux. I don't have any real friends around me, all the negativity around me constantly in this house, there has been nothing as far as a job goes, I need to move out, and I can't until I get a job, and it's gonna be super hard for me to have a job w/out a car. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't cry too often, unless I'm really angry, cuz that's the only way I feel like I can vent it, and I've been crying more in the past 4 days then I think I have in the last year. Mom tells me lastnight, that I have to find out how to register Heather for school, and take care of all of that for her. Ugh. I'm sorry but that's not my responsibility, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm about to go nuts with everything that is being put on me, plus having to get a job, maybe 2 with all of this. I just need a lot of prayer at the moment, my strength is running out, and I feel as if my sanity is. I must be in the middle of my night... I just wish the morning would come with joy, as is promised in the Word already!
On the good side, my friend Eric came into town this weekend, and we went up to school Saturday morning to go see some of our friends, my best friend in particular (Sweet 'n' Low). So it was great to see her. She's up there working for the summer, but she will be back next Saturday THANK GOD! Then we came back, and got all dressed up. Went out to eat at Bennigans (if you haven't tried the Monte Cristo, you don't know what you're missing!), then went downtown to go see Chicago, the musical from Broadway! It was in town last week, and I had the best time! I LOVE musicals! I have soundtracks to some (Phantom of the Opera, Rent, etc.), but had never seen any. So I got to see my first, and it was the most incredible thing! I was just amazed at the pure talent these people have! It was awesome!! Came home to a friend getting online, while I was on for a few minutes, just to tell me he loved me. Good ending to a good day. Then Sunday I got to hang out w/ my Dad's wife all day, then met up w/ Sweet and whole bunch of other summer staff, and hung out at the mall, cuz they came in town for Bro. Tommy's birthday, so that was fun. Then watched DareDevil when I got home that night, which was ok. It was nice to escape the house for 21 hours or so this weekend. I'll be able to do that more soon w/ a job, and since Sweet will be back around. I just need to get out of here.
Then for the second person, she was one of the greatest, dearest, sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. Someone I could learn a lot from. One of the most opposite people from me, but we got along wonderfully. Some things happened earlier in the year that put a huge damper on our relationship. Completely my fault, and something I don't wanna get into, but I hurt her deeply. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago that we finally talked about it after an accidental run-in. My heart about soared and sank at the same time when she told me she had missed our friendship, and was willing to slowly start it up again. I praise God for the chance to be friends with her again. She means more to me than a lot of people do. I pray I will be the greatest friend I could ever be to her.
As far as home, and family goes, things are pretty bad at the moment. Thursday night, we were all gonna have a family meeting w/ my family's pastor and sort stuff out, since things had not been going well at all. Jason ended up storming out w/in the first 5 minutes of the meeting, cuz he wanted to do it HIS way, without me and my sisters, and without a witness (there had already been a meeting w/ just Mom and Jason a few weeks ago, and without a witness, and things had not changed much at all; in fact in some ways got worse). But that wasn't gonna happen, so he went to his room, slammed the door and pouted like a baby, while the rest of us out in the living room talked about what had been going on. To sum up what happened over the next 5 hours, basically the girls and I decided that we wanted him out. A time of separation for him, Mom, and us. Mom didn't think it was a bad idea, seeing as how things had NOT been getting better w/ them living together (they fight all the time, he treats her like a child, demands that food be prepared for him when he wants it, and runs this house close to a dictatorship, just to name a few things; it doesn't help that Mom's been dealing w/ depression, and is very emotional).
So when he finally came out after leaving for a while we told him what we thought would be the best solution for things to work out. Just to leave for a while, get a job, stable, work out relationship problems, get counseling, and then move back in when they both were able to act like adults with each other. He was REALLY mad about that idea, thought we were all full of it, had no right to ask him to leave, and said it wasn't fair. He continuously uses the phrase "That's not fair to me." He talks about how hard it is to be in the situation he is in, being out of jail for the 2nd time (first time manslaughter, 2nd time broke parole), being married to a woman with teenage girls, and all (he's actually called us mouths to feed, and feels he doesn't have any responsibility to take care of us, or anything. All that matters is him and Mom), and besides, where was he supposed to go if he left? I told him "You're a man, figure it out". So it concluded that Mom would sleep on it, and decide later. He of course said if he left he wouldn't come back. Apologized profusely for how "wrong" he is (when me, and my sisters, and the pastor aren't around), and he wanted to work things out. Same ol' $h!t I've heard before. That's how I see it. He's still here, and I guess Mom isn't gonna do anything, I dunno. All I know is I haven't talked to him since that night, don't plan to, and don't believe a thing he says. If he wants me to believe anything, I have to see it. I'm tired of all his lame excuses, I'm just tired of HIM! I can't stand him!
I'm at my wits end with my whole life honestly. I hate my life as it is right now. It just plain sux. I don't have any real friends around me, all the negativity around me constantly in this house, there has been nothing as far as a job goes, I need to move out, and I can't until I get a job, and it's gonna be super hard for me to have a job w/out a car. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't cry too often, unless I'm really angry, cuz that's the only way I feel like I can vent it, and I've been crying more in the past 4 days then I think I have in the last year. Mom tells me lastnight, that I have to find out how to register Heather for school, and take care of all of that for her. Ugh. I'm sorry but that's not my responsibility, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm about to go nuts with everything that is being put on me, plus having to get a job, maybe 2 with all of this. I just need a lot of prayer at the moment, my strength is running out, and I feel as if my sanity is. I must be in the middle of my night... I just wish the morning would come with joy, as is promised in the Word already!
On the good side, my friend Eric came into town this weekend, and we went up to school Saturday morning to go see some of our friends, my best friend in particular (Sweet 'n' Low). So it was great to see her. She's up there working for the summer, but she will be back next Saturday THANK GOD! Then we came back, and got all dressed up. Went out to eat at Bennigans (if you haven't tried the Monte Cristo, you don't know what you're missing!), then went downtown to go see Chicago, the musical from Broadway! It was in town last week, and I had the best time! I LOVE musicals! I have soundtracks to some (Phantom of the Opera, Rent, etc.), but had never seen any. So I got to see my first, and it was the most incredible thing! I was just amazed at the pure talent these people have! It was awesome!! Came home to a friend getting online, while I was on for a few minutes, just to tell me he loved me. Good ending to a good day. Then Sunday I got to hang out w/ my Dad's wife all day, then met up w/ Sweet and whole bunch of other summer staff, and hung out at the mall, cuz they came in town for Bro. Tommy's birthday, so that was fun. Then watched DareDevil when I got home that night, which was ok. It was nice to escape the house for 21 hours or so this weekend. I'll be able to do that more soon w/ a job, and since Sweet will be back around. I just need to get out of here.
Jul 24, 2003
Jul 8, 2003
I have an interview on Saturday at Old Navy! Yay! I'm pretty sure I will get the job since I worked there before.
I started my sisters today on some books from the library. Tay's got "Adventures of Tom Sawyer", and "Huckleberry Fin", and Heather's doing some fun books from a series I read in 5th grade called Encyclopedia Brown. Mystery stuff. A lot of fun.
I got some info on one apartment complex today. $575 for a one bedroom, and $700 for a 2. I really want to get a 2 bedroom apartment, so I can have my space, but Amy doesn't know if she wants to spend that much money. I'm gonna go check out a few other places tomorrow hopefully.
My oldest best friend (friends since 6th grade) is coming over tomorrow. Very excited! Her name is Sarah and we've been through EVERYTHING together. Her Dad leaving, mine dying (we felt like eachothers Dad's were our dad's), crushes, engagements, growing up, dumb mistakes, yada yada yada... (see 5.24.03 post). I can't wait to see her! I got together w/ her about a month ago, and we had a great time. She's married and pregnant now. I about cried my eyes out the other day while watching the movie "Beaches". We always called that our movie. There's a part where the 2 best friends are out buying baby things, and decorating the nursery, and I just started balling. My Mom looked at me, and was like what is wrong w/ you? I whimpered "Sarah's gonna have a baby!" I just couldn't believe that we were that far in our lives! It's so cool though... I'm just excited about still having a true friend. Tomorrow (or rather today) is gonna be a good day.
I started my sisters today on some books from the library. Tay's got "Adventures of Tom Sawyer", and "Huckleberry Fin", and Heather's doing some fun books from a series I read in 5th grade called Encyclopedia Brown. Mystery stuff. A lot of fun.
I got some info on one apartment complex today. $575 for a one bedroom, and $700 for a 2. I really want to get a 2 bedroom apartment, so I can have my space, but Amy doesn't know if she wants to spend that much money. I'm gonna go check out a few other places tomorrow hopefully.
My oldest best friend (friends since 6th grade) is coming over tomorrow. Very excited! Her name is Sarah and we've been through EVERYTHING together. Her Dad leaving, mine dying (we felt like eachothers Dad's were our dad's), crushes, engagements, growing up, dumb mistakes, yada yada yada... (see 5.24.03 post). I can't wait to see her! I got together w/ her about a month ago, and we had a great time. She's married and pregnant now. I about cried my eyes out the other day while watching the movie "Beaches". We always called that our movie. There's a part where the 2 best friends are out buying baby things, and decorating the nursery, and I just started balling. My Mom looked at me, and was like what is wrong w/ you? I whimpered "Sarah's gonna have a baby!" I just couldn't believe that we were that far in our lives! It's so cool though... I'm just excited about still having a true friend. Tomorrow (or rather today) is gonna be a good day.
Jul 6, 2003
It was so great being back at school. I got to go and be with my friends (my best friend mainly, Sweet 'n' Low), and just have a good time w/ a great group of kids. Being in the presence of God like I hadn't been in a while was awesome. There's just something about being "home". I loved being away from all the junk going on here at the house. It's been tough lately.
That's right... Jason's being a bit of a pansy... again. There's so much, I can't get too into it. Basically, he treats my Mom kinda how he treats me (like a 16 year old, even though I'm 20, and Mom's 44, and has been on her own for quite sometime, and around 10 years longer then him), lectures her constantly about what she is doing wrong, brings up the past, threatens her that he's gonna leave... of course he does none of this in front of me. He knows I won't just stand by and watch him do that. I've already called him on a few things. My Mom is constantly crying again, and she runs to me all the time to tell me about what's going on. I have gotten so infuriated with all of it. I swear I've lost my religion a few times. I said to my Mom the other night, in the middle of her spilling to me, not to tell me anymore at all, becuz I don't think I could handle it. I mean I just got so angry. I don't know if I can hear anymore at all, ever. At the same time I feel so selfish for doing that, becuz I guess she needs to talk to someone (considering she will blab to a lot of people if they give her an ear, and she needs to stop), and it might as well be me. But I don't know what to do! I mean I should be there for her, but should I be there when I am just becoming more and more angry with him, when I just got done forgiving him, and putting the past behind me? But everything that's going on now is not past... it's present, and (God Forbid!) future! Ugh! I need yall to be praying for me. And for My Mom and him as well. I don't want my Mom to have to go through a divorce or any of the stuff we've already gone through again. If yall have any insight, encouragement, scriptures, whatever, you're more than welcome to share in the comment section (click Comment Here).
God give me strength...
On a kewl note, I got Nora Jones "Come Away With Me", and Coldplay "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" this past Saturday from some gift certificates. My sister got The new Switchfoot "Beautiful Letdown", which I will borrowing constantly, and Toby Mac "Momentum Remixes", which has some fun stuff on it. A friend of mine (Eric) bought me 8, a perfume by Abercrombie and Fitch... actually he bought it for himself, but when he got home he realized it was a woman's perfume (maybe that explains why he liked it so much! LOL), so decided to give it to me. He'll either mail it to me, or just get it to me when he comes back in town.
Tomorrow I will be going out to go apply at a few more Gap companies around here, go to the library to find some books to start tutoring Heather with, also get Taylor started on some required high school reading. The I will also go look at 2 apartment complexes to get pricings on 1 and 2 bedroom apartments. As much as I wanna move out by myself, I'm thinking about moving out w/ my cousin, but I dunno. She's not living how she should right now, and she can get on my last nerve at times. I dunno, I gotta really pray about this... I just wanna get out. But I will go through the fire is He wants me to.
That's right... Jason's being a bit of a pansy... again. There's so much, I can't get too into it. Basically, he treats my Mom kinda how he treats me (like a 16 year old, even though I'm 20, and Mom's 44, and has been on her own for quite sometime, and around 10 years longer then him), lectures her constantly about what she is doing wrong, brings up the past, threatens her that he's gonna leave... of course he does none of this in front of me. He knows I won't just stand by and watch him do that. I've already called him on a few things. My Mom is constantly crying again, and she runs to me all the time to tell me about what's going on. I have gotten so infuriated with all of it. I swear I've lost my religion a few times. I said to my Mom the other night, in the middle of her spilling to me, not to tell me anymore at all, becuz I don't think I could handle it. I mean I just got so angry. I don't know if I can hear anymore at all, ever. At the same time I feel so selfish for doing that, becuz I guess she needs to talk to someone (considering she will blab to a lot of people if they give her an ear, and she needs to stop), and it might as well be me. But I don't know what to do! I mean I should be there for her, but should I be there when I am just becoming more and more angry with him, when I just got done forgiving him, and putting the past behind me? But everything that's going on now is not past... it's present, and (God Forbid!) future! Ugh! I need yall to be praying for me. And for My Mom and him as well. I don't want my Mom to have to go through a divorce or any of the stuff we've already gone through again. If yall have any insight, encouragement, scriptures, whatever, you're more than welcome to share in the comment section (click Comment Here).
God give me strength...
On a kewl note, I got Nora Jones "Come Away With Me", and Coldplay "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" this past Saturday from some gift certificates. My sister got The new Switchfoot "Beautiful Letdown", which I will borrowing constantly, and Toby Mac "Momentum Remixes", which has some fun stuff on it. A friend of mine (Eric) bought me 8, a perfume by Abercrombie and Fitch... actually he bought it for himself, but when he got home he realized it was a woman's perfume (maybe that explains why he liked it so much! LOL), so decided to give it to me. He'll either mail it to me, or just get it to me when he comes back in town.
Tomorrow I will be going out to go apply at a few more Gap companies around here, go to the library to find some books to start tutoring Heather with, also get Taylor started on some required high school reading. The I will also go look at 2 apartment complexes to get pricings on 1 and 2 bedroom apartments. As much as I wanna move out by myself, I'm thinking about moving out w/ my cousin, but I dunno. She's not living how she should right now, and she can get on my last nerve at times. I dunno, I gotta really pray about this... I just wanna get out. But I will go through the fire is He wants me to.
Jun 27, 2003
Jun 26, 2003
I went out to go apply at a few jobs yesterday. Old Navy and Gap. I will most likely get one of them, since I worked at Old Navy before, and they're both the same company (along with Banana Republic), and they always like "come-back's". I'll probably apply at Old Navy Outlet which is the same distance from me in a different direction. I am also gonna start tutoring my sister Taylor tomorrow for her GED. My Mom and her husband have "hired" me to do this as a form of payment for insurance. They're not charging me for rent, utilities, and all, and won't even after I get a job. They will also let me continue to pay for insurance through tutoring once I get a job, so that rawks the casbah! I'm gonna tutor Heather too, and hopefully that will give me some added favor. I am going to camp/ school this weekend as a counselor for Kids Camp! Yay! I hope to go up for the Jeff Deyo and Among Thorns concerts. The Salvador concert is the same day I leave from camp, or the day after, so I won't be able to go to that one. GRRRRR!!!!!
Car situation is kinda dumb here. Jason doesn't want me to use the vehichles unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I think it's a bunch of Bull$%!#, and I tried to work out a compromise with it, but there really is none with him. It's not like I'm a 16 year old driving a sportscar. I'm a 20 year old driving a minivan or a pickup truck.This sounds silly, but in a way I feel like he's taking away my freedom, my life, my sanctuary. That's what a car is to me. I can get out, get away, and play my music as loud, or quiet as I want to! All I do is go to the library, Walmart to walk around, Starbucks to read, Denny's to study, or take my cousin to and from work. It's not like I'm going to clubs, hanging out with heathen (I use that word lightly by the way) friends, or going out to do something stupid. In fact all the things I do are pretty dorky, dull things. But I guess that's just something else I have to deal with. He is gonna try to help me get a car asap though, so we don't have to stay in this place. I just think the meantime is stupid.
I jsut came out of Mom and Jason's room. They're in a fight, and I was kinda like a moderator, or what not trying to give them some pointers. Kinda weird, but they asked me for my input. Finally, after a lot of talking I said Look, yall need to stop being so defensive, take correction whether you agree with it or not, be quick to apologize, leave the past behind you not to bring it up again, don't say things in the heat of the moment, don't let your emotions take over, make the goal to resolve the stuation, not to be right, and look into getting some marriage counseling since yall didn't get pre. Then I thanked them for being a great audience. :) I really want this to work out for them, and they need to remember to do it all in love. I even made tgem look at eachother and remember how much they love eachother, and how God is rooting for them to make it, so to keep Him (love) at the center of the focus at all times. It's kinda strange I guess me giving them advice, but they asked for it.
On a lighter note my girl Madeline called me tonight. It was great to hear from her. She's awesome. One of the best voices I've ever heard. Criss and I have been keeping in touch the past 4 days or so through email everyday so that has been great, and Kaci emailed me again today. So Yay! WoOHoO! Well I gotta go to bed, becuz 7:30 comes early!!
Car situation is kinda dumb here. Jason doesn't want me to use the vehichles unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I think it's a bunch of Bull$%!#, and I tried to work out a compromise with it, but there really is none with him. It's not like I'm a 16 year old driving a sportscar. I'm a 20 year old driving a minivan or a pickup truck.This sounds silly, but in a way I feel like he's taking away my freedom, my life, my sanctuary. That's what a car is to me. I can get out, get away, and play my music as loud, or quiet as I want to! All I do is go to the library, Walmart to walk around, Starbucks to read, Denny's to study, or take my cousin to and from work. It's not like I'm going to clubs, hanging out with heathen (I use that word lightly by the way) friends, or going out to do something stupid. In fact all the things I do are pretty dorky, dull things. But I guess that's just something else I have to deal with. He is gonna try to help me get a car asap though, so we don't have to stay in this place. I just think the meantime is stupid.
I jsut came out of Mom and Jason's room. They're in a fight, and I was kinda like a moderator, or what not trying to give them some pointers. Kinda weird, but they asked me for my input. Finally, after a lot of talking I said Look, yall need to stop being so defensive, take correction whether you agree with it or not, be quick to apologize, leave the past behind you not to bring it up again, don't say things in the heat of the moment, don't let your emotions take over, make the goal to resolve the stuation, not to be right, and look into getting some marriage counseling since yall didn't get pre. Then I thanked them for being a great audience. :) I really want this to work out for them, and they need to remember to do it all in love. I even made tgem look at eachother and remember how much they love eachother, and how God is rooting for them to make it, so to keep Him (love) at the center of the focus at all times. It's kinda strange I guess me giving them advice, but they asked for it.
On a lighter note my girl Madeline called me tonight. It was great to hear from her. She's awesome. One of the best voices I've ever heard. Criss and I have been keeping in touch the past 4 days or so through email everyday so that has been great, and Kaci emailed me again today. So Yay! WoOHoO! Well I gotta go to bed, becuz 7:30 comes early!!
Jun 23, 2003
I am up yet again late at night. I have had a real hard time sleeping lately. So while I have been up, I have made a few changes to my blog, decided to post, caught up on some messages, and got to talk to Daniel for 5 seconds. I haven't talked to any of my friends in a long time (except Eric, he calls me everyday). Kaci emailed me 2 days ago. I always love hearing from her. I'm gonna see Sweet later this week when I go up to camp to be a counselor (Thank God!). I haven't talked to Lindsey, Jordan or Christian in a long time. I miss my friends. It's weird being the bestest friends who do everything together, then we graduate, and we rarely hear from eachother. I've made the greatest friends of my life in the past 2 years, the people I trust and confide in, and it just sux that they're all so far away. I don't really have any friends around here (my choosig though really), so I sit at home a lot reading, watching movies, hanging w/ my family, and waiting to hear from someone. LOL I am happy though. I like being at home and just being at peace now. I've just missed everyone the last couple of days. If any of you guys read this, I love yall, and miss yall a lot. Remember who you are in Christ; Work like it's all up to you, pray like it's all up to God; He knows the end from the beginning... That's why they still call him God. :) I'm gonna go and try to sleep now. LONG day ahead of me. I'll update soon.
Jun 14, 2003
Jason (Mom's husband) will be moving back in on Thursday. He get's out after being in jail for 6 months. Originally he was gonna be staying somewhere else for a lil while then move back in after things were just, I dunno what the word is... I guess more comfortable? Anywayz. I'm a lil nervous, and at the same time, I don't care. I don't wanna be bossed around by someone who I don't really allow to speak into my life, and he knows he has a lot to prove to me, and I just don't know how I'm gonna deal with the way he's been lately (very legalistic). Then at the same time, he's like water off a ducks back to me, and my life doesn't revolve around him, and I just don't think it will be that big of a deal becuz he'll see I'm my own person, I live my own life, and don't need him on my back. Atleast I hope he realizes that. I'm just praying that I will remember that my spirit is king, soul it's servant, and body (flesh) the slave. I want this to be a good thing. I want to be happy, and all of us be able to be at peace with eachother. I want it to be God.
Father's Day is Sunday, and I will be going to my Daddy's gravesite as I've done for the past 5 years. I just go, sit by the grave, ask God to give Daddy a message for me, and I just talk. Usually about half an hour I sit there and tell him what's been goin on with me that past year, how much I miss him, need him, and wish he was around. My little sister Heather (15) will be coming with me for the first time. I've never taken her or Taylor (17). I've wanted to be by myself everytime, and didn't feel like they were really ready to go. But this year I asked them to go. Taylor doesn't know yet, and I don't blame her. Maybe she doesn't need to go, and that's ok. I do. I was Daddy's first, his Princess. I was Daddy's little girl. I miss him a lot. I can't believe it's been 5 years (on June 6th). I still miss him like it was yesterday. He's the best.
The my other Dad is in Ohio, so I won't get to be with him, but I'm gonna call him, and send him a late gift. He's really been such a strength to me. I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he, Shannon, and the boys come back.
I really ought to start a whole new entry right here to talk about what's on my mind, but it's late, I'm tired, and have a long day ahead of me. Just pray for me.
Father's Day is Sunday, and I will be going to my Daddy's gravesite as I've done for the past 5 years. I just go, sit by the grave, ask God to give Daddy a message for me, and I just talk. Usually about half an hour I sit there and tell him what's been goin on with me that past year, how much I miss him, need him, and wish he was around. My little sister Heather (15) will be coming with me for the first time. I've never taken her or Taylor (17). I've wanted to be by myself everytime, and didn't feel like they were really ready to go. But this year I asked them to go. Taylor doesn't know yet, and I don't blame her. Maybe she doesn't need to go, and that's ok. I do. I was Daddy's first, his Princess. I was Daddy's little girl. I miss him a lot. I can't believe it's been 5 years (on June 6th). I still miss him like it was yesterday. He's the best.
The my other Dad is in Ohio, so I won't get to be with him, but I'm gonna call him, and send him a late gift. He's really been such a strength to me. I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he, Shannon, and the boys come back.
I really ought to start a whole new entry right here to talk about what's on my mind, but it's late, I'm tired, and have a long day ahead of me. Just pray for me.
Jason (Mom's husband) will be moving back in on Thursday. He get's out after being in jail for 6 months. Originally he was gonna be staying somewhere else for a lil while then move back n after things were just, I dunno what the word is... I guess more comfortable? Anywayz. I'm a lil nervous, and at the same time, I don't care. I don't wanna be bossed around by someone who I don't really allow to speak into my life, and he knows he has a lot to prove to me, and I just don't know how I'm gonna deal with the way he's been lately (very legalistic). Then at the same time, he's like water off a ducks back to me, and my life doesn't revolve around him, and I just don't think it will be that big of a deal becuz he'll see I'm my own person, I live my own life, and don't need him on my back. Atleast I hope he realizes that. I'm just praying that I will remember that my spirit is king, soul it's servant, and body (flesh) the slave. I want this to be a good thing. I want to be happy, and all of us be able to be at peace with eachother. I want it to be God.
Father's Day is Sunday, and I will be going to my Daddy's gravesite as I've done for the past 5 years. I just go, sit by the grave, ask God to give Daddy a message for me, and I just talk. Usually about half an hour I sit there and tell him what's been goin on with me that past year, how much I miss him, need him, and wish he was around. My little sister Heather (15) will be coming with me for the first time. I've never taken her or Taylor (17). I've wanted to be by myself everytime, and didn't feel liek they were really ready to go. But this year I asked them to go. Taylor doesn't know yet, and I don't blame her. Maybe she doesn't need to go, and that's ok. I do. I was Daddy's first, his Princess. I was Daddy's little girl. I miss him a lot. I can't believe it's been 5 years (on June 6th). I still miss him like it was yesterday. He's the best.
The my other Dad is in Ohio, so I won't get to be with him, but I'm gonna call him, and send him a late gift. He's really been such a strength to me. I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he, Shannon, and the boys come back.
I really ought to start a whole new entry right here to talk about what's on my mind, but it's late, I'm tired, and have a long day ahead of me. Just pray for me.
Father's Day is Sunday, and I will be going to my Daddy's gravesite as I've done for the past 5 years. I just go, sit by the grave, ask God to give Daddy a message for me, and I just talk. Usually about half an hour I sit there and tell him what's been goin on with me that past year, how much I miss him, need him, and wish he was around. My little sister Heather (15) will be coming with me for the first time. I've never taken her or Taylor (17). I've wanted to be by myself everytime, and didn't feel liek they were really ready to go. But this year I asked them to go. Taylor doesn't know yet, and I don't blame her. Maybe she doesn't need to go, and that's ok. I do. I was Daddy's first, his Princess. I was Daddy's little girl. I miss him a lot. I can't believe it's been 5 years (on June 6th). I still miss him like it was yesterday. He's the best.
The my other Dad is in Ohio, so I won't get to be with him, but I'm gonna call him, and send him a late gift. He's really been such a strength to me. I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he, Shannon, and the boys come back.
I really ought to start a whole new entry right here to talk about what's on my mind, but it's late, I'm tired, and have a long day ahead of me. Just pray for me.
Jun 4, 2003
Jun 2, 2003
I got to go see Daddy's wife Sunday, and spend the night with her that night, and spent all day today with her. A lot of fun. Daddy is in Ohio right now, getting some work and things like that, and Shannon and the boys will go up there with him (he's coming down Wednesday) on Friday for the summer. It was just really kewl to see her, and the boys, and hang out. I love them so much, and can't wait to see Daddy on Thursday.
I have yet to find a job. I appiled at Home Depot (good pay, even though really not my thing), and also City Hall to be a secretary/receptionist (not great pay, but great benefits, and totally my thing, considering I wanna be in politics one day). The lady I talked to at City Hall said she would push my application through, and I heard through the "grapevine", that a secretary will be transfering from C.H. to the P.D. soon, so there could be an opening! Also, I have a good friend, and an acquaintance who work at Home Depot, and they said they'd put in good words for me. Something should happen soon. I'm ready to get into my daily routine with a job and such. Not only will I be working, but also working with 2 youth ministries, and also still gonna "Armourbear" (see May 10th, February entry), as well as teach my sisters this summer. Taylor (17) will be getting her GED, and since I got mine the test has gotten harder, so I'm gonna be doing GED videos, and workbooks with her. Then Heather (15) will be entering public school this coming fall. She is way behind in school (the school she's gone to the past 3 years has really screwed both my sisters), and they "lost" her records, so she will have to take a placement test, which I will be getting her ready for (I don't think the school lost her records, I think they're irresponsible idiots). I'm just excited, and look forward to having a full, busy schedule... and I wish it would happen already!
I have yet to find a job. I appiled at Home Depot (good pay, even though really not my thing), and also City Hall to be a secretary/receptionist (not great pay, but great benefits, and totally my thing, considering I wanna be in politics one day). The lady I talked to at City Hall said she would push my application through, and I heard through the "grapevine", that a secretary will be transfering from C.H. to the P.D. soon, so there could be an opening! Also, I have a good friend, and an acquaintance who work at Home Depot, and they said they'd put in good words for me. Something should happen soon. I'm ready to get into my daily routine with a job and such. Not only will I be working, but also working with 2 youth ministries, and also still gonna "Armourbear" (see May 10th, February entry), as well as teach my sisters this summer. Taylor (17) will be getting her GED, and since I got mine the test has gotten harder, so I'm gonna be doing GED videos, and workbooks with her. Then Heather (15) will be entering public school this coming fall. She is way behind in school (the school she's gone to the past 3 years has really screwed both my sisters), and they "lost" her records, so she will have to take a placement test, which I will be getting her ready for (I don't think the school lost her records, I think they're irresponsible idiots). I'm just excited, and look forward to having a full, busy schedule... and I wish it would happen already!
May 31, 2003
Here's something I posted on the SwimTeam yesterday afternoon. I really think even though I was encouraging others, I was speaking to myself, because it was about a couple of hours later when I needed it:
Yeah when I listen to it, I often hear myself singing it. "He's been promising me something more than pain..." That part always get's me, because so many times we are like "where's the promise, where's the promise? YOU said it would happen." But many times the reason why the promise hasn't come to pass is because we haven't done our part. Hannah had a promise from God that she would bare a child, and before she had become pregnant, she thanked God, but she didn't stop there with her faith. She added her works. It says that she went in to Elkanah, and he knew her. She had to make it happen. Even though she had done that many times and she had never seen a different result, she took her God at His word, and didn't just believe, but confessed praise, and fulfillment of the promise before it had happened, and worked her stuff, by going in to Elkanah. So many times we sit on our lazy butts and say we're waiting on God when God is really waiting on us! One of my teachers said a lot "Work like it's all up to you; Pray like it's all up to God." And then after that patience is to come in. "Let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be complete, lacking nothing." After Hannah was pregnant, she still had to wait 9 months untill Samuel was manifested in front of her eyes. Did she doubt then? No! Why? Because you couldn't tell her she was not pregnant! She had it on the inside of her, she knew because of the evidence: stop of her cycle, maybe some hormones raging, a little bit of an expansion in her body. You couldn't tell her she wasn't pregnant! And never forget the hardest point of this time is labor... right before it is birthed. You're gonna have to push harder and go through the hardest time right before your Samuel is born. There's things on the inside of you that are about to come to pass, and don't you doubt it. There are some promises, some gifts, some dreams, that are about to come to pass on the inside of you, and you're getting a little tired during this incubation period, don't you give up! Keep going, keep believing, keep confessing the Word, and don't listen to the idle chatter of others around you. You listen to His word, and know that His word is the final authority.
Hope that blesses someone else besides me. :)
Yeah when I listen to it, I often hear myself singing it. "He's been promising me something more than pain..." That part always get's me, because so many times we are like "where's the promise, where's the promise? YOU said it would happen." But many times the reason why the promise hasn't come to pass is because we haven't done our part. Hannah had a promise from God that she would bare a child, and before she had become pregnant, she thanked God, but she didn't stop there with her faith. She added her works. It says that she went in to Elkanah, and he knew her. She had to make it happen. Even though she had done that many times and she had never seen a different result, she took her God at His word, and didn't just believe, but confessed praise, and fulfillment of the promise before it had happened, and worked her stuff, by going in to Elkanah. So many times we sit on our lazy butts and say we're waiting on God when God is really waiting on us! One of my teachers said a lot "Work like it's all up to you; Pray like it's all up to God." And then after that patience is to come in. "Let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be complete, lacking nothing." After Hannah was pregnant, she still had to wait 9 months untill Samuel was manifested in front of her eyes. Did she doubt then? No! Why? Because you couldn't tell her she was not pregnant! She had it on the inside of her, she knew because of the evidence: stop of her cycle, maybe some hormones raging, a little bit of an expansion in her body. You couldn't tell her she wasn't pregnant! And never forget the hardest point of this time is labor... right before it is birthed. You're gonna have to push harder and go through the hardest time right before your Samuel is born. There's things on the inside of you that are about to come to pass, and don't you doubt it. There are some promises, some gifts, some dreams, that are about to come to pass on the inside of you, and you're getting a little tired during this incubation period, don't you give up! Keep going, keep believing, keep confessing the Word, and don't listen to the idle chatter of others around you. You listen to His word, and know that His word is the final authority.
Hope that blesses someone else besides me. :)
May 30, 2003
So, Krispy Kreme rawks the Casbah! I got to introduce a friend to them for the first time tonight... always fun. :) Boy, oh Boy are they good! Can't wait to have another in the morning! :)
I'm not the kind of person to change plans at the last minute (because I'm what "they" call a lil bit of a control freak), but I did, and ended up having a good time not doing much of anything with a friend. It's kinda kewl when you do something out of the ordinary, and you end up having a good time.
I'm not the kind of person to change plans at the last minute (because I'm what "they" call a lil bit of a control freak), but I did, and ended up having a good time not doing much of anything with a friend. It's kinda kewl when you do something out of the ordinary, and you end up having a good time.
May 28, 2003
So since I have got back from school I have realized how much I've changed. So our house has always been loud, and fun, and goofy. I've always been fine w/ that 'cuz that's how I've always been. So, since I've been home I've had to cover my ears, leave the room, or leave the house to get away from all the noise. I don't know, it's weird. My family notices it too. I'm not mad at them at all, but they take it as if I'm annoyed with them. And I'm not overall, but sometimes I do get a lil annoyed. But I love them so much. I've missed them so much. Just last weekend, my cousin moved in, and she is intesely loud! And sometimes I just go "OMG, will you please stop!" And she's like "What?" It's just amazing how people don't know how loud they are... it's amazing how I didn't know how loud I was. I guess (now) I'm just content sitting on my bed reading, not doing anything else, not talking, and such. Yet at the same time, when I'm in my truck, I blare my music as loud as I can. I guess that's a form of my getting away. Right now I'm content with just being alone, not going out so much with friends (then again I don't have friends I want to hang out with around here), and I think that's ok. I mean there is still a huge part of me, that LOVES to go out, have a blast, be loud, adventurous, and have excitement. I ALWAYS will be like that.
Honestly, I think this is just a season of isolation for me. I mean I'm not going through everything alone, yet at the same time, I think I've gotta live my life as I'm now starting to live it depending on no one else except me, and God. I think that's how he wants it. Anwyayz. I think that's all I have to say. Oh, be praying for me concerning all this. I want to be able to get along with my family, have a good time, have fun with them, and compromise the way I want things, so that everything can be peaceable.
Honestly, I think this is just a season of isolation for me. I mean I'm not going through everything alone, yet at the same time, I think I've gotta live my life as I'm now starting to live it depending on no one else except me, and God. I think that's how he wants it. Anwyayz. I think that's all I have to say. Oh, be praying for me concerning all this. I want to be able to get along with my family, have a good time, have fun with them, and compromise the way I want things, so that everything can be peaceable.
May 24, 2003
One of the funniest things I've seen in a long time: Star Wars Kid
You will need to download BitTorrent to view.
I got to catch up with an old best friend a few days ago. That was kewl. Her and I have known eachother from 6th grade to now. We were best friends from the start. We've been through everything together: Her Dad leaving, my Dad dying, me getting engaged (2wice), her "knowing" who the one was... crazy stuff, that never did turn out the way we thought they would. Anywayz. I was always the crazy, wild child, and she was the sweet, good girl. Then she moved, and I didnt hear from her for a long time, and just as more time would pass, I would hear about her doing things she said she would never do (not necessarily anything bad at all, just things that were like wow, her?), and so on and so on. After not hearing form her in God knows how long, my Mom told me she came by the house while I was away at school. She is now married and pregnant. Man, did that hurt. This was the girl that we planned our weddings together at 14 (now I realize how dumb and pathetic I was), we were gonna have one or 2 of our babies around the same time so they could be friends, and of course to one anothers children we were Aunt _____. It's just amazing how much things change.
Yet is amazing how some things never change. As soon as we saw eachother it was like nothing had changed. We goofed off and laughed like old times, I said "like" a lot due to my excitement, which she realized right away, and credited it to her habit of saying "like" now. LOL I was never mad at her about not telling me anything. I guess just hurt that I wasn't apart of any of the leadings up. It was weird going in her house to meet her husband, and not her boyfriend. He's a good guy. And I couldn't help but say every 15 minutes, "OMG You're gonna be a Mom". It's just so weird, and funny... yet at the same time it's really good. I think we're gonna stay in contact a lot more now, and be good friends again. I hope so; she used to be the best friend I ever had. I'm just glad that we're talking again.
Yet is amazing how some things never change. As soon as we saw eachother it was like nothing had changed. We goofed off and laughed like old times, I said "like" a lot due to my excitement, which she realized right away, and credited it to her habit of saying "like" now. LOL I was never mad at her about not telling me anything. I guess just hurt that I wasn't apart of any of the leadings up. It was weird going in her house to meet her husband, and not her boyfriend. He's a good guy. And I couldn't help but say every 15 minutes, "OMG You're gonna be a Mom". It's just so weird, and funny... yet at the same time it's really good. I think we're gonna stay in contact a lot more now, and be good friends again. I hope so; she used to be the best friend I ever had. I'm just glad that we're talking again.
May 10, 2003
Well, Here it is... my big update. I haven't wrote in this blog for about 10 months! And, a lot has happened since then. I would recommend sitting back, propping up your feet, and getting ready to be here for a while to read this, or just do it in sessions. :) Yep, it's that long. :) I'm gonna do it a month by month thing so as not to skip around, forget things or confuse. Enjoy!
June- As you know things with my Mom's b/f were not going well at all, and I was contemplating moving out to live w/ my dad/ youth pastor (Joe). Jason and I got into a big fight, but I controlled my anger and held the reigns on my tongue, and asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in what to say or not to say. I only brought forth the Word, and had peace, so I knew I did what was right. It was time for me to go. I also met Joel in June! Went to Atlanta Fest, camped on the grounds behind Six Flags over Georgia, went to concerts and rode roller coasters all day for 4 days! It was great hanging out with Joel, Jon and Steven. They're awesome and I can't wait to see them again!
July- I moved in with my dad and his family (wife Shannon, 3 young boys), and it was the best thing for me to do. I had a great time, learned a lot, and it kept me in a good environment spiritually ("The environment you create determines the product you produce." - John C. Maxwell). Mom and Jason took some of my words in that fight we had and ended up getting married, without telling me. But I figured it out before they did, and confronted my Mom as to why she hadn't told me. She said she eventually would have, but I thought it was a load of crap.
August- Everything was going pretty good. Directing the adult drama team and working with the youth group. Still living with Daddy, which was wonderful. My church paid for half of my tuition for the coming up school year at TBC, so that was a huge blessing. Still wasn't sure where the other half was coming from, but I knew God was able. Things started to get a little crazy towards the end of the month with some relationships, and things, and my reputation was at stake.
September- The beginning of this month started out with a lot of heartache, only for me to decide to move past it, and remember my priorities... LTC (Leadership Training Course (the 2nd year program at TBC)). I realized real quick how hard this year was going to be, how much I would be stretched, and just how much in me was going to have to come out. In my room I was given the privilege of being over 5 wonderful first year girls. All Mexican except for one, so that was a lot of fun. :) As a careleader I am responsible for the on-goings in my girls' lives, the room, and keeping myself fed to be the shepherd for them. Also I have a co-careleader (Rita). She ended up leaving the day before our girls came, and she was replaced with my old roommate Elizabeth. I love Elizabeth, but she's not emotionally stable, and sometimes a little slow, and stares a lot, so I kinda felt like I had to look after her too. 2 days after my girls got here I got a message saying Rita was coming back! I was so excited! I asked the LTC Director Phillip Baker if she could be with me again, and he said yes, so all 3 of us were careleaders over room N3. :)
October- Some "opportunities" (problems) came up in the room with my girls. They felt my standard of excellence in the room was too high, that I wasn't personal enough, and more focused on leading than relationship. I will admit I was more focused on them respecting me than liking me, and I wasn't telling them too much about me, and excellence is something I major on. I think the case really was that I needed to learn to love more. Rita (laid back, soft spoken, sweet, phlegmatic) is the perfect balance to me (stubborn, loud, in your face, choleric). She helped me learn to be compassionate, and it's ok to show mercy, as I have been shown a lot of mercy (To whom much is given, much is required). Thank God for her. My Mom and her husband Jason started having problems, and she called me at school crying a lot. I tried to help her, but there was no denying she had to lay in the bed she made. A plus though was she started going to church again. A great church! A negative though is she eventually went into hiding. My best bud from my first year at TBC Jason C. came to visit me for a few days before he went into the Army to do infantry. That was a lot of fun.
November- Mom decided to divorce Jason, got the locks changed on the house while he was away, and took his stuff to his parents house. I came home and had a great Thanksgiving with my family, and I was able to minister to my Aunt Carol; just planting seeds.
December- Mom talked to Jason's parole officer, and the police took a report on what happened in October (some abuse), and they decided that the next time he came in for a check-up with his parole officer that he would be taken in. I came home for Christmas vacation, and while I had a good time, I was going through a lot of spiritual struggles. I became very tired, very weary, and was wanting things in my life to just change somehow. I just wanted to graduate and move on with my life. On the good side, I had a good time with family, and friends. In fact, Jason C. came and visited me fresh from boot camp. We had a great time! He got me Spiderman, Monsters Inc., Shallow Hal, and a Giant Clifford the Big Red Dog stuffed animal. It was kewl! :)
January- Jason was arrested when he went to go see his parole officer, seeing as he lied and said everything was fine and he was still living with us and all. So that was hard on my Mom but it was the way it needed to be. I came back to school, and got very refreshed, focused, a new passion, and just excitement, when I really sought God, got in His presence and decided to put all my stupidity away. Our biggest event of the year came. Summit: 4 days of speakers, teaching, Praise and Worship, and a lot of hard work plus sleepless nights. It's incredible. I was about 2 days from being dismissed form school, because my tuition was nowhere in sight. However God knew where it was. He got it to me, and I was able to stay. When that was over I went to check my email, and I had an email from some friends of my Moms pastor (Pastor Don). They were Pastors of a new small church about an hour from my house. They said they had heard from Pastor Don about my vision for youth ministry, and were very interested in hearing more about it from me! So we scheduled a meeting later in February. I got to see snow for the first time!! On the LTC ski trip we went to Ruidoso, New Mexico on the Sierra Blanca. I didn't ski, just hiked, played in the snow, and had a good time with my friends.
February- I was blessed a lot financially by random people, and was able to bless others because of it, so that was kewl. Blessed to be a blessing according to Genesis 12:2. I met with the pastors of that church Pastor Glenn and Ms. Zina. They were very kewl. Young, and sweet. and ready to invest a lot into youth ministry. The kewlest was that they used to be the assistants to the Founder and to the President of TBC, so I knew they were good people. It concluded that they wanted me to join them. I was very excited to, but of course didn't need to make a decision right away seeing as their church was just starting out, and I wasn't graduating for another couple of months. Jason's court date was to happen soon, and then he would be sentenced to be in jail into late June. Daddy resigned form being youth pastor at TAG, because of a lot of complications, accusations, and some messed up things going on in the church. The next Sunday I asked for Pastors blessing to leave the church, which was good timing since things became very corrupted as my name was slandered by my pastor himself. A great thing that happened though is I became the armorbearer to a great lady! She travels a lot singing at conferences and conventions with people like Benny Hinn, Tim Storey, and other names I could say. She's best friends with Ron Kenoly and his family, so needless to say she's a busy lady. She had been praying for someone she could trust to come and help her, and knew I was the right person. A lot of people in the past have tried to come into her life to see if they could find dirt on her, and make it known, but she know I wouldn't do that, because I've known them for years, and have been great friends with one of her daughters.
March- My careleader from last year got married to a great man of God on the first of March, and I was privileged to be a part of the wedding party. I looked hot and had a great 4 days on the beautiful city of San Antonio. One weekend I came home to find pictures of Mom and Jason out. I became very angry needless to say, and confronted my Mom about it. After us both saying things we shouldn't have, it was concluded that they would be getting back together. He had been getting counseling from Pastor Don (very trustworthy, wise man), and had supposedly been changing. When I went back to school, I got before God asking Him to change my heart, because this was a reality that I was going to have to deal with and live with. Thankfully Ms. Rachel was teaching a class on forgiveness and anger at the time which helped a lot, and I did learn to forgive Jason. When I did so, God began to speak a lot about the Youth Pastor thing, my future, and just me and Him. Good stuff. Went to TAG (well it's no longer called TAG), and it was so dead, and empty. It was quite sad, but I pray only that it would succeed, and touch lives. I got pretty sick, and ended up going to the hospital. I had never been a patient in a hospital before so it was kinda scary. They had to put be on some smokey breathing machine, and an IV (freaky). I also had to say in bed for 4 days. YUK. I cheated a few times though and had my friend Lindsey sneak me off campus the first day because I was bored, The kewl thing was I got to spend TONS of time reading my Bible and praying.
April- I battled sickness all the way into the middle of April, but I feel great now. Easter break was a lot of fun. I got to hang out w/ my Mom and sisters a lot, and just have fun. I went and saw Jason in jail, and we talked got things sorted out, and resolved. I just pray that things stay right, and lined up w/ Gods will. More financial blessings and job opportunities came my way! Yay! The director of the 2nd year leadership course, Bro. Phillip, announced that he would be leaving TBC after 10 years of starting and running that program. We were all quite sad, but very excited to know that he would be traveling and preaching, doing what he loved to do. the kewl thing is he has been walking in the gift of healing lately, so it will be exciting to see what happens with that.
May- I finally graduated!! I was so blessed to be at TBC these last 2 years, but was VERY ready to go and do other new things. Things that God was wanting me to do. I do have to admit though I did cry. It was hard to know I would not being seeing my best friends everyday, and that Sweet 'n' Low (my bestest friend) would not be living down the hall from me anymore. ::sigh:: I preached at my Moms church the very first Sunday after graduation, so that was fun. And now, today May 13/14th, I'm on my way to getting settled and organized in the house, and getting a job. I am now 20 (since 1:09 am May 13th), and really don't feel any different. I guess just kewl I won't be referred to as a teenager anymore, though in some circles I still might be referred to as "the kid" from Bible college. Oh well.
June- As you know things with my Mom's b/f were not going well at all, and I was contemplating moving out to live w/ my dad/ youth pastor (Joe). Jason and I got into a big fight, but I controlled my anger and held the reigns on my tongue, and asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in what to say or not to say. I only brought forth the Word, and had peace, so I knew I did what was right. It was time for me to go. I also met Joel in June! Went to Atlanta Fest, camped on the grounds behind Six Flags over Georgia, went to concerts and rode roller coasters all day for 4 days! It was great hanging out with Joel, Jon and Steven. They're awesome and I can't wait to see them again!
July- I moved in with my dad and his family (wife Shannon, 3 young boys), and it was the best thing for me to do. I had a great time, learned a lot, and it kept me in a good environment spiritually ("The environment you create determines the product you produce." - John C. Maxwell). Mom and Jason took some of my words in that fight we had and ended up getting married, without telling me. But I figured it out before they did, and confronted my Mom as to why she hadn't told me. She said she eventually would have, but I thought it was a load of crap.
August- Everything was going pretty good. Directing the adult drama team and working with the youth group. Still living with Daddy, which was wonderful. My church paid for half of my tuition for the coming up school year at TBC, so that was a huge blessing. Still wasn't sure where the other half was coming from, but I knew God was able. Things started to get a little crazy towards the end of the month with some relationships, and things, and my reputation was at stake.
September- The beginning of this month started out with a lot of heartache, only for me to decide to move past it, and remember my priorities... LTC (Leadership Training Course (the 2nd year program at TBC)). I realized real quick how hard this year was going to be, how much I would be stretched, and just how much in me was going to have to come out. In my room I was given the privilege of being over 5 wonderful first year girls. All Mexican except for one, so that was a lot of fun. :) As a careleader I am responsible for the on-goings in my girls' lives, the room, and keeping myself fed to be the shepherd for them. Also I have a co-careleader (Rita). She ended up leaving the day before our girls came, and she was replaced with my old roommate Elizabeth. I love Elizabeth, but she's not emotionally stable, and sometimes a little slow, and stares a lot, so I kinda felt like I had to look after her too. 2 days after my girls got here I got a message saying Rita was coming back! I was so excited! I asked the LTC Director Phillip Baker if she could be with me again, and he said yes, so all 3 of us were careleaders over room N3. :)
October- Some "opportunities" (problems) came up in the room with my girls. They felt my standard of excellence in the room was too high, that I wasn't personal enough, and more focused on leading than relationship. I will admit I was more focused on them respecting me than liking me, and I wasn't telling them too much about me, and excellence is something I major on. I think the case really was that I needed to learn to love more. Rita (laid back, soft spoken, sweet, phlegmatic) is the perfect balance to me (stubborn, loud, in your face, choleric). She helped me learn to be compassionate, and it's ok to show mercy, as I have been shown a lot of mercy (To whom much is given, much is required). Thank God for her. My Mom and her husband Jason started having problems, and she called me at school crying a lot. I tried to help her, but there was no denying she had to lay in the bed she made. A plus though was she started going to church again. A great church! A negative though is she eventually went into hiding. My best bud from my first year at TBC Jason C. came to visit me for a few days before he went into the Army to do infantry. That was a lot of fun.
November- Mom decided to divorce Jason, got the locks changed on the house while he was away, and took his stuff to his parents house. I came home and had a great Thanksgiving with my family, and I was able to minister to my Aunt Carol; just planting seeds.
December- Mom talked to Jason's parole officer, and the police took a report on what happened in October (some abuse), and they decided that the next time he came in for a check-up with his parole officer that he would be taken in. I came home for Christmas vacation, and while I had a good time, I was going through a lot of spiritual struggles. I became very tired, very weary, and was wanting things in my life to just change somehow. I just wanted to graduate and move on with my life. On the good side, I had a good time with family, and friends. In fact, Jason C. came and visited me fresh from boot camp. We had a great time! He got me Spiderman, Monsters Inc., Shallow Hal, and a Giant Clifford the Big Red Dog stuffed animal. It was kewl! :)
January- Jason was arrested when he went to go see his parole officer, seeing as he lied and said everything was fine and he was still living with us and all. So that was hard on my Mom but it was the way it needed to be. I came back to school, and got very refreshed, focused, a new passion, and just excitement, when I really sought God, got in His presence and decided to put all my stupidity away. Our biggest event of the year came. Summit: 4 days of speakers, teaching, Praise and Worship, and a lot of hard work plus sleepless nights. It's incredible. I was about 2 days from being dismissed form school, because my tuition was nowhere in sight. However God knew where it was. He got it to me, and I was able to stay. When that was over I went to check my email, and I had an email from some friends of my Moms pastor (Pastor Don). They were Pastors of a new small church about an hour from my house. They said they had heard from Pastor Don about my vision for youth ministry, and were very interested in hearing more about it from me! So we scheduled a meeting later in February. I got to see snow for the first time!! On the LTC ski trip we went to Ruidoso, New Mexico on the Sierra Blanca. I didn't ski, just hiked, played in the snow, and had a good time with my friends.
February- I was blessed a lot financially by random people, and was able to bless others because of it, so that was kewl. Blessed to be a blessing according to Genesis 12:2. I met with the pastors of that church Pastor Glenn and Ms. Zina. They were very kewl. Young, and sweet. and ready to invest a lot into youth ministry. The kewlest was that they used to be the assistants to the Founder and to the President of TBC, so I knew they were good people. It concluded that they wanted me to join them. I was very excited to, but of course didn't need to make a decision right away seeing as their church was just starting out, and I wasn't graduating for another couple of months. Jason's court date was to happen soon, and then he would be sentenced to be in jail into late June. Daddy resigned form being youth pastor at TAG, because of a lot of complications, accusations, and some messed up things going on in the church. The next Sunday I asked for Pastors blessing to leave the church, which was good timing since things became very corrupted as my name was slandered by my pastor himself. A great thing that happened though is I became the armorbearer to a great lady! She travels a lot singing at conferences and conventions with people like Benny Hinn, Tim Storey, and other names I could say. She's best friends with Ron Kenoly and his family, so needless to say she's a busy lady. She had been praying for someone she could trust to come and help her, and knew I was the right person. A lot of people in the past have tried to come into her life to see if they could find dirt on her, and make it known, but she know I wouldn't do that, because I've known them for years, and have been great friends with one of her daughters.
March- My careleader from last year got married to a great man of God on the first of March, and I was privileged to be a part of the wedding party. I looked hot and had a great 4 days on the beautiful city of San Antonio. One weekend I came home to find pictures of Mom and Jason out. I became very angry needless to say, and confronted my Mom about it. After us both saying things we shouldn't have, it was concluded that they would be getting back together. He had been getting counseling from Pastor Don (very trustworthy, wise man), and had supposedly been changing. When I went back to school, I got before God asking Him to change my heart, because this was a reality that I was going to have to deal with and live with. Thankfully Ms. Rachel was teaching a class on forgiveness and anger at the time which helped a lot, and I did learn to forgive Jason. When I did so, God began to speak a lot about the Youth Pastor thing, my future, and just me and Him. Good stuff. Went to TAG (well it's no longer called TAG), and it was so dead, and empty. It was quite sad, but I pray only that it would succeed, and touch lives. I got pretty sick, and ended up going to the hospital. I had never been a patient in a hospital before so it was kinda scary. They had to put be on some smokey breathing machine, and an IV (freaky). I also had to say in bed for 4 days. YUK. I cheated a few times though and had my friend Lindsey sneak me off campus the first day because I was bored, The kewl thing was I got to spend TONS of time reading my Bible and praying.
April- I battled sickness all the way into the middle of April, but I feel great now. Easter break was a lot of fun. I got to hang out w/ my Mom and sisters a lot, and just have fun. I went and saw Jason in jail, and we talked got things sorted out, and resolved. I just pray that things stay right, and lined up w/ Gods will. More financial blessings and job opportunities came my way! Yay! The director of the 2nd year leadership course, Bro. Phillip, announced that he would be leaving TBC after 10 years of starting and running that program. We were all quite sad, but very excited to know that he would be traveling and preaching, doing what he loved to do. the kewl thing is he has been walking in the gift of healing lately, so it will be exciting to see what happens with that.
May- I finally graduated!! I was so blessed to be at TBC these last 2 years, but was VERY ready to go and do other new things. Things that God was wanting me to do. I do have to admit though I did cry. It was hard to know I would not being seeing my best friends everyday, and that Sweet 'n' Low (my bestest friend) would not be living down the hall from me anymore. ::sigh:: I preached at my Moms church the very first Sunday after graduation, so that was fun. And now, today May 13/14th, I'm on my way to getting settled and organized in the house, and getting a job. I am now 20 (since 1:09 am May 13th), and really don't feel any different. I guess just kewl I won't be referred to as a teenager anymore, though in some circles I still might be referred to as "the kid" from Bible college. Oh well.
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