Written on August 25th- Along with everyone's great advice, I got another good peice today... This lady said to me, that since I feel so stiffled in the house, I don't like the person I am, I'm sad, and angry all the time, even if I don't show it... she said that maybe I would be a better help to my sisters outside the house by showing them a good, happy, prosperous me, that I could be a better light to them , and offer them some great encouragement, when I myself am doing as great as I tell them they could be doing... and I think she's right. I'm always at about a 9 on a scale from 1 -10, when it comes to tension and feeling like I'm about to bust... and I NEVER wanna take it out on my sisters. If I am away from here, I know I can be back to my better self... my much better self.

I think I'm gonna stick w/ getting this job out here, then when it approaches the time to move out there, I will apply at some of the police stations out in that area (assuming that I get the job out here), but if they don't work out over there, I will just commute. Please pray that I do get this job you guys... the benefits would be fab-tastic, and would look good for me in the future. I REALLY want it. Thanx again. Yall are such a support to me!

Written August 31st- Ok, so BIG blowup in the house yesterday (Friday). I learned from my sister Heather, that Jason (Mom's husband) told her something he heard about me that was a big lie, refering to it as how she shouldn't take my example and all the bad mistakes I've mad. What's so dumb is the "mistake" I supposedly made "happened" a long time ago! I decided I would calmly ask him to please not discuss my buisness with people, especially when he has no idea what he is talking about, becuz it's gossip. Which I did... so he starts talking about all the bad mistakes I made in life (in my young stupid teenage years, mind you), and is YELLING at me... I told him I didn't want to get into anything with him, just please don't talk about me anymore... we did this circle about 10 times, before I finally couldn't handle him YELLING at me anymore so I said "Ya know what!? F*** You!" And left the room, he chases me down the hall yelling at me still, I flicked him off, told him to get out of my face I wasn't doing this with him and he wouldn't let up. So we did this for about 10 minutes, he left the room, came back ranting about how he didn't understand why we treated him so bad, so I said Becuz your a dumba$$. He called me a little girl and said I shopuld respect him, threatened to throw my $h!t in the street, and took the keys away from me. He got in Taylor's (my other little sister) face, and she is super sensitive and can't take fighting and yelling, and it took everything in me not to go hit him in his face! Hetaher said she saw me ball up my fist, head towards him, and say a bunch of stuff, then control myself. I was so worked up the whole time, my knees were literally shaking. Then he left to take my Mom somewhere. That's when I started crying. When he came back he threw the keys on my bed (thanx to Mom telling him to give me the keys; btw- she totally agrees with me, and thinks he's wrong). So I grabbed my sisters and we left... I decided to get them away from the house, took them out to a small lunch with the little money I had saved up, and even a Starbucks visit (my sisters are worth the setback (I'll explain the setback in a sec). I had to go babysit overnight somewhere lastnight so good thing I didn't have to come home. Mom and him have been fighting since then.

Mom told me today though that he told her he sees that he overeacted, and shouldn't have been that way (I told my Mom yeah, thats what he told YOU). Also, I hurt his feelings. I told my Mom, I didnt care, and now he knew how I felt for the last 2 months! I said I'm sorry I cussed, but I'm not sorry I cussed At HIM or "hurt his feelings". ::Big Sigh:: I get to go see Shannon and Daddy tomorrow thank God! I'm gonna tell them yes I will accept their offer for me to move in.

Ok, for the setback, back in June I got a ticket for speeding, cuz my cousin was gonna be late for work, and I was going too fast (I didn't know that I was though honestly). I took care of it with Def Driving. Well I got another like a week or so ago, cuz there was all kinds of Drama at the house and I was freaking out crying in the car on the way to get my Mom, and I had just had to say G'bye to my best friend who was moving all the way to Oregon (I'm in Tx), so I wasn't paying attention to my speed. I got pulled over and now have ANOTHER ticket to take care of. Not only will I have a court fee, but I can't do Def. Driving, so will have to pay like $200 for the ticket! I'm not a speeder when I'm driving which makes this suck even worse! I was thinking of a way to get to SS that might work out, but now that's completely out the window, since I don't even have money to take care of this ticket in 5 days! I can't tell my Mom cuz she'll freak out about even more money since this will up the insurance... I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. Please pray you guys. I don't know what to do anymore.

Written September 2nd- I got to get away for about 2 whole days, hung out w/ my best friend, and my Dad was in town, and some other friends from college came in town... it was great! When I came home Monday night Jason made my little sister get out of bed, and my cousin too (both have to get up at 6am and it was 11 o'clock already), becuz he wanted to talk. What happened was he started saying how he's the head of the house, so things were gonna go his way. He made all these new rules, and restrictions for everyone to follow. For example, We are no longer allowed to watch movies, tv (unless it's christian or educational), listen to music unless it's worship, we can't have anything on our walls unless it has something to do with Jesus, no magazines, and no non-christian websites. He wanted to stick it to me a few times so mentioned Tim McGraw like 7 times during this lecture. Everthing has to be out fo the house. Also I can't go to my church (where I am the youth pastor at) becuz we should all be going to church as a family (what family?), and becuz the vehicle I use is "his" vehicle (yeah right! He hasnt paid a dime on the cars, house, or anything), and he's taking an unnecesary risk letting me use it (whatever Mr. suspended drivers liscence, yet driving all over anyway). I mean a bunch of bull$h!t! He didnt even talk to my Mom about it, he sat her down w/ us to tell her what to do too, then asked her after he said the bottom line, how she felt about it. She disagreed with all of it, and he said too bad, that's how it was. She's saying she's thinking about kicking him out (but she says that every week). This is just ridiculous. I told finally told her that I am moving out in December, and she was sad, and cried, but she understands I guess.

I hate that I hate him, I don't wanna hate anyone. And I hate the person I am becoming. I'm just angry, and sad, and annoyed all the time. I wanna be the REAL me again. The happy, fun, strong me. December isn't coming fast enough! LOL I'm doing what I can while I can though. Yalls support means a lot to me. Thanx for letting me come here and vent... I'd probably go nuts!

Written Today September 8th- I got a job for the week doing some filing, and copying and things for a collection agency my friend works at... Very Kewl! I work in an office, and by myself... 2 things I like. A lot of time to think, pray, and be at peace. I like to work on my feet, cuz I can move around w/ the different stacks, and stuff but after being on my feet for 6 hours they made me get a chair. I shoud have done it sooner though, cuz my back is paying for it now. So I'll be out of the house and making some money (So I won't be here much this week cuz I goot get up early). I'm gonna take an application into Kohl's this week, so I can work over here for awhile, and then transfer to the other side of town.

I also might be out of here a lot sooner than I thought!! My best friend and I are thinking about moving out together, or both just staying in the big room at her step-dad's house (he's real kewl). I think eventually I'll transition into staying w/ my Dad, and Shannon though when the house situation works out in December, since they've offered me a car to drive. Anywayz, some things are looking up, I'm picking myself up off the floor, starting to get back into my Bible the way I used to, and am beginning to turn my eyes back in the right direction. Thanx for all the prayers and encouragement.