I don't know what has been up with me lately, but I have been almost completely emotionless for the almost a week. It might be becuz of the situation, but I don't think so. It really hasn't done anything to me. I mean yeah I think about it, and I cried about it Wednesday night, but after that, nothing. I don't exactly mind it either. It's kinda kewl not crying, or being sad, or really feeling much of anything. The only things I have really felt, have been a lil bit of anger, and that was in dealing w/ christians, and the church. So more like what God called I think righteous anger. And then I almost cried Sunday night, but I didn't. Besides that, nothing. I mean there has been spurts of happiness while Ive been out with friends. But majority of the time, I sit here blank. I've had a few people ask me what's wrong, and the thing is, nothing is wrong, I just don't feel anything. I'm not depressed, enraged, or anything negative. I mean I'm fine. I still have Gods joy, I just am not very expressive of it right now.

Wait a minute. Maybe I am upset, maybe I am mad, maybe I am sad. If I'm not expressive of the Joy of the Lord, then why would I be expressive of anything else? I don't know. Maybe I am just fine though. I mean it's like Im content. I say God is good, and so I have no reason to complain, and I believe it, completely. I don't know. All I know is, it's been pretty kewl not being emotional, or a really feeling negative things. I haven't had my cry about Daddy in about 2 weeks. So that's good. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I mean I've heard people not being able to feel things, but they've all been depressed. I'm not. I don't know. I just hope this is clarified soon.

How come Ritz Crackers are so satisying?

I have found the true meaning of love - Selflessness. I Love You. It's gonna be ok. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. That's all I know to do, and all I will do. I Love You.

Ok I found something I'm scared of (I said I'd post if I found something, and I've been talkin to Kris for a lil bit, and it came out during our conversation)... growing up. Definetly. I'm scared of getting a real job, starting college, having bills, and getting closer to my wedding day. I want to go back to the days when I could sit in my Daddys lap, read Sesame Street books all day long, play tea party, walk around in my Daddys platforms, and when Mrs. Potato Head's lips were bigger than my own. Well maybe not all that far, but close enuf. Really, I'd like to do High School over. Start from 14, get good grades, and not have gotten kicked out. But than again, I know a lot of stuff wouldn't be if not for all the stuff that happened. I mean it's like certain points I'd like to do over, and some keep the same. But that's not even the point. I just don't wanna grow up, I wanna stay young, and have fun, and be loud. I don't wanna get old, and quiet. I don't wanna change my so called radical wardrobe. I wanna be radical. I like being radical. I like being me. I just dont wanna grow up. Im not regretting stuff, or feeling guilty about anything, I just don't wanna grow up. This is just purely selfish, and childish, I know, but well, it's the truth. To some extent.

I found out that, the girl who was supposedly taking my place, isn't gonna be singing w/ the band after all, so I of course feel like a complete fool for getting so upset, but then again, Im pretty sure that if someone else comes along, I will yet, cry again. The Lock-in was TONS of fun, and the talent show was a blast to watch. I played the song, and sang, and was just a lil nervous. The stupid thing was, I was having fun cheering my head off for everyone else, that I almost started to lose m voice! But I chilled out, did the song, and then lost my voice afterwards, cheering on PJ, Sonny, and a few guys in a wrestling match the guys were having. So I sound like, what some would say, Courtney Cox, when she's hyper(?). So anywayz. After the night was over I got ot bed at 9:30, and woke up at about 1, but went back to my bed when I realized Mom had a client at the house. Then I got up, and at the same moment PJ called. Then right after Brigid, so talk about good timing. :) I went to Genet's B-Day party that night, and afterwards to a Quincenerra (sp?), till, like 1:30! I didnt get home till almost 2:30, and in bed at 3. At the Quince. a friend of mines Mom introduced me to 4 guys, and a few guys asked me to dance. I didnt know many people at all, so that was fun. I knew one guy somewhat from TAG, and danced w/ him during a few songs, so that was kewl. Then today we (TAG) went to the park today, and had a picnic. We do this about 2 or 3 times a year, and its always a blast! We play softball, football, volleyball, basketball, and play on the different play sets, and track exercises throughout the place. It's huge! And somehow, it's always windy everytime we go. Anywayz. Tomorrow is PJ's Bday, and I should get to bed, cuz he's calling me at 8am, cuz he's getting up at 7:59; at 8 am he moves up a year. :) So I told him to call me when he gets up so I can be the first besides his family to say Happy Birthday. :) Im gonna play the Beatles Say Its Your Birthday over the phone for him. WoO HoO!!

On a lighter note... Friday night, TAG is having a lock-in, and there's gonna be a talent show. Well, Im gonna be doing a few things w/ some friends (A drama I wrote where I took certain passages in the Bible, and ghettofied them. :) is one of them.), and then something on my own. Me, and my guitar for the first time in public. I am kinda nervous. Ive practiced like mad, but it's just liek woah. I never thought this day would come, and it has. I'm also gona be playing I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever for some friends who are gonna sing it. So basically I'm debuting my guitar skills for the first time to everyone. No one, except for Taylor, and Leigh know, cuz Leigh helped me w/ it the other day. And now whoever is reading this knows... I'm doing You Are So Good To Me, by Waterdeep. This is one of my all time favorite worship songs. And I'm hoping I do it justice, seeing how it's just me, and my voice, and my guitar. So yeah :) Oh, one more thing. I'm playing the song w/ a very special pik. One of my most favorite people in the whole wide world sent it to me over Christmas... My Horrie... Joel! :)

Then... I went shopping today! Like MAD shopping. I have lets see... 5 different shopping bags full of stuff. :) Shannon decided to take me, and for me to get all kinds of stuff, and a whole bunch of it. Heather, my best friend, came too, to help, since they were trying to makeover my relatively "radical" wardrobe, and Heather is pretty much a prep :). Shannon is awesome. She and Joe are young, and I won't say how old, cuz Im sure theyd rather me not, but early 30's, so she's relatively "cool", and we had a BLAST. So WoO HoO! I even got a pair of Khaki pants. I've never worn khaki pants in my life. So this was interesting. But I got a good pair. So tonight was fun. Something I needed.

Oh, and yesterday, Valentines Day, marked one year ago I saw the best band on earth, Waterdeep, for the first time at Metro. It also marked the one time I can remember I've been embarressed (I don't get embarressed too easily)... crying in front of my role model Lori Chaffer. Oy! But hey, it Rawked anyway. :)

Ok, well I was pretty much fine since Sunday, and I'm trusting God through this whole matter, and all, but then Wednesday night comes. That's when the TMC class is, and afterwards a prayer meeting. Mom had to go to work early, and so I had to go up to the TAG center w/ Taylor (my younger sis who is doing the TMC), and I was just gonna put my stuff down, and go to the restaurant right across the way and read my Bible. I walk in, and Sean looks at me and goes what are you doing here? I was like uh, Mom had to drop me off early, and he goes well you cant be here, so I said well, that's why Im going to Chichos. So I went, and that kinda irked me but I got over it, so I come in later to find out that they have another girl singing now, which kinda made me mad after Joe went into how he wasn't gonna have a girl to sing and all. So that just got to me, and I started crying yet AGAIN. During the prayer meeting I was in the back of the cafe, telling God through the tears that were streaming down my face that I trusted him, but it hurt so bad. I didn't say anything to Joe, cuz I was just to hurt to do so. And when the prayer meeting was fixin to be over, Sonny comes over to me and says Sean wants you, then Sean says Joe wants you. So I had to walk form the back of the room, to the middle of it and Joe gestures me over to him, and says in the mic, I need some girls to come over here and pray for Jess. She's had to make some hard decisions in her life, and take a hard road that most of us should take. She is gonna need a lot of strength through this, and encouragement, so yall come pray for her. I was like Oh No, Im gonna cry. That's why I was in the back, so I could cry on my own. So anywayz, after that was over, I stayed at the TAG building w/ Joe, and my sis, cuz he was takin us home, and I was talkin to him, and said well I guess you found your singer. And we talked for a sec, and I said, JOE! She's gonna be singing MY songs! The songs that I lead! And he was like theyre not your songs. Of course I said Yes They Are! So after a lil bit of arguing, which him and I do quite often, I said fine, but she can't sing You Are My King. And he says She can sing whatever she wants. Well cue the girl... right then she starts singing on the mic Hungry: One of MY songs. He looks at me teasingly, and goes Ooooooh. I walked out the office, and went outside to cry, AGAIN. I came back in, and calmed down, and talked to Sean for a lil while, he is really wanting me to get all this stuff done soon. It's only been a week, and he's nervous. :)

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna come back, I'm gonna have to sing, and not sing my songs. I'm scared theyre gonna be "her" songs by then. And she'll be some outstanding singer, way better than I could ever be, and there will be just no use in me being there. She's like 14, and so I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. But this is HARD. The band has been a dream come true for me. A dream Ive had since I was a little girl. And its' been snatched from me. And well, by me. I'm trying really hard, and Im not as upset as I was yesterday, but man this SUX! I love singing more than anything almost. And I'm not doing it. This sux really bad. I hate crying like this, and feeling this way. It's like I completely trust God, and I'm still joyful in life, but this sux. To whoever is reading this, your prayers would mean a lot.

Ok, I guess it's time for me to go ahead and explain what's going on. As most of yall know I have been doing a lot of nothing lately, seeing how I quit my job, and Im out of school, and have no car. I've also had a lot of problems w/ my Mom lately. Well, I decided I would have my GED taken care of by the time TMC (TAG's (a city wide youth group) leadership/Bible/servanthood class) started up again. Well, that is tomorrow night. Orientation was last Wednesday night. Basically my life was/is no where near organized, and prioritized the way it should be. I decided that I have taken too long to get these things taken care of, and have not shown a true example of a real leader. I was so excited about this next year of TMC, and as I was about the last year. 12 of us graduated from the first ever TMC class. Quite an honor for me, and such an amazing thing it was in my life.

After orientation, the Lord was dealing with me, and basically letting me know I wasnt gonna be doing it this year. I was trying to blow it off, and take it as just a figment of my imagination. Well, I finally realized, I would never think to do anything like this, so I knew it was God, and I knew he was right. So I went and had lunch w/ Joe (Youth Pastor of Tag/President of TMC/Daddy), and Sean (Dean of TMC/former employer/awesome guy) the next day (Thursday). We went and discussed some things, and they thought that I was making a wise decision, even though they were quite sorry that it had to be made. Basically, Im the only singer on the P&W band, besides Joe, and Leigh who does a little backup, head of Drama, Dance, on the A/V team, and Sean depended on me for a lot of errand running, taking care of one on one ministry to a lot of girls, and anything. So with much sorrow, and regret, I quit TMC, and stepped down from my leadership responsibilities. I didn't even tell my best friends until Friday night. I didn't talk to anyone for a day or 2 really, and went to Joes house.

Sunday night TAG came, and I walked in to hear the P&W band practicing, and trying to figure out 2 songs that I would regularly lead. Needless to say, very hard to listen to, so I went to the bathroom, cried, and contemplated leaving, thinking I couldn't deal w/ it. Due to some encouragement, and hugs from some very dear friends, I stayed, and made it through, with a few tears throughout the night. When P&W started up I just decided I was gonna worship God, and not worry about my circumstances, which I have also decided to do throughout life anyway. It was hard not having any set responsibilities for the night, not having to write, direct, or cast the drama for the night, not having to do any A/V, file music, or anything. Just so I still feel like Im helping out, I still do some cleaning afterwards, and I still ask Sean and Joe, is there anything you need me to do. I can't stand not helping out, or feeling not useful. Its hard, very hard, and it hurts like hell. Something that really hurt was I had been buggin Joe for about a year to see if Curry (our pastor) would let the TAG band do worship, and Joe always said Curry would never let us. Well, all of a sudden, out of the blue in church that morning, Curry goes, "Joe get ready. In 4-5 weeks TAGs gonna do P&W." I honestly felt like a knife went into my chest, and dinosaurs were running through my stomach. I thought I was gonna cry so hard, even though I felt I had cried all I could that whole weekend. Just when I was gonna get angry, and resentful, God said, "Watch it. Don't get angry. You be happy for the band." And I've decided to do so. I'm sure it will hurt the day it happens, but I will not get angry.

Basically, I've gotta get a job, get my GED taken care of, money in the bank, and under control, a car, and just life prioritized b4 I can go back. Sean and Joe are hoping at the most a few months, as so am I. So this week I am gonna be looking for a job, finding out about the GED test, and I've already done a lot of organizing, and finished that up pretty much. Pray that I have a job by this coming up Monday. But on a good note, in a few months Sean is gonna need a full time secretary, w/ a car, and guess who he's offering the job to first!? :) Yay! Just be praying that I will make it through this w/ minimal crying, and w/ dignity, and that I will get prioritized quickly. I trust God with all my heart, and know he is taking care of me. Yes this hurts, but God knows what he is doing. he always does and he hasn't forgotten about me, and what's important to me. He never will.