I miss Daddy. A lot. I feel like Im so alone when it comes to Daddy. I feel like Im the only one who cries about it anymore. I cry probably once a week or so about it. And when I do its those huge tears, and a headache, and a drenched collar type thing. In fact Im doing it now, and am having to take breaks in between typing. I don't know who's reading this or if anyone is for that matter. I don't care. All I know is I miss my Daddy. I don't ever really talk to anyone about the pain I go through when it comes to Daddy. I mean when he died, I was the strong one for the family, and didn't cry unless I was alone, or with an EXTREMELY close friend. NEVER in front of Mom or Taylor, and Heather (my sis's). I still don't, especially in front of my sisters. I hate that My husband isn't gonna know Daddy, or maybe he would have, but not when it's that time. I hate he's not gonna walk me down the isle. I hate that he's not here to do his goofy PeeWee Herman impression, and the Tequila dance he would do w/ big white platforms when I was little. I hate that he's not gonna dress up like a woman again, and embarrass me again, like he did during my 12th birthday party, and he called himself Ms. No-Doubtfire. I hate going back into little girl mode, and thinking about my Daddy who was the greatest guy in the world, and was never gonna leave me, and knowing he's not here.


I love Daddy so much. I think about him, and "talk" to him all the time. A lot of "Oh, Daddy. I wish you were here" 's. Why did it have to happen to me? Why couldnt have he just not died? I pray all the time, what I know anyone who is reading this is gonna call, silly prayers of, "God PLEASE. Can't you just bring him back so I can sit on his lap, and hug him for a few minutes? Can't you just give me access to him when I need him, and all I have to do is say Daddy, I need you? PLEASE!?" Sometimes I just wish God would take me already so I could see Daddy. I bet Daddy is watching me write this. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder what he thinks when it comes to a lot of the stuff I do. I think about that all the time. No one knows how much I think about him. I think about him more than anyone knows. I think it would surprise a lot of people how much I do.

I have a picture of my Mom, and Daddy on their wedding day hanging over my bed. They look so happy, and it's so adorable. Daddy's standing there w/ his platform shoes on, and Mom has her head leaning on his shoulder. I told myself Im gonna do that exact same pose when I get married. Im sure that sounds insane. I remember the day Mom took that picture down. I remember how angry I was, and how I felt like I was the only one who cared about Daddy anymore. She put it in her closet or something, and I remember saying something to my Mom like "How could you take that down!? I'm putting it in MY room." I felt as if I was rescuing it from some untimely death, or just rescuing Daddy from being forgotten. It makes me mad when people don't remember much about Daddy, or they just seem to not care when I say he's dead. It's like "How can you not care!? He was only the greatest guy to ever live! He worked so hard for our family! 12 hour days even while baring a kidney tumor! Even while having cancer eating away at his body! He was the greatest, and don't you DARE forget it!"

I remember one night, we had to go to the store in the middle of the night, cuz Mom was out of town, dealing w/ the coming death of her father, and the girls remembered a last minute thing they needed for school the next day, and Daddy didn't get the strength 'till then. We had this HUGE van you had to step up, and pull yourself up to get into. So he opened the door, and attempted to pull himself up, and he fell back trying to do it, cuz he had like NO muscle left. And this was 5 months b4 he died. I wanted to cry so bad when I saw that. But I wouldn't dare. I didn't want him to think he was putting me through anything.

Whenever Daddy, and I said, what I didn't think to be, our Goodbyes, it was an incredible moment for me. I had come up to the hospital 2 days b4 he died, and Mom told the girls how serious this was, and a lot of church people were there. He hadn't talked to anyone at all that day. He didn't have the strength. I had to leave to go home, and pack, cuz I was going on a trip w/ some girls to a lake house. So I went into the room, to get my stuff, and on the way out, I stopped, and looked at him, and said "Daddy, I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I leaving now. I just wanted to tell you I love you." So I'm fixin to be out the door, and he mustered up all the strength he had to mumble "I love you too". So I just kinda smiled, and walked out the door, and as soon as I got in the hall, I just busted out crying. I couldn't believe he did that just to say I love you to me. 2 days later Im at the lake house sleeping, and I sit up straight at exactly 8 am. And the first thought in my head was Daddy. I just kinda mumbled I love you Daddy. I go home later that night, and find out he died at exactly 8 am.

I miss Daddy. I love him so much.