I feel so alone. Completely alone. The struggles, the joys, the life I'm living: no one seems to be able to relate, understand, or remotely care (this isn't about that though). I know everyone goes through this, everyone has this phase. This segment has been going on for quite some time though. It's getting tired. I'm getting tired.

There's a phone next to me with NO ONE to call and talk to about this. There are close to 120 numbers in my phone, but out of all of those people or places that I have found worthy to take up some of the memory in my cell, no one would really truly care, or if they would care, they wouldn't be able to relate. If they would be able to relate, they wouldn't care.

I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but of course, it's another night I am unable to. Thinking about, well, people. Family, friends, acquaintances, employers, co-workers, church members, and the like. I really don't have friends anymore. I mean don't get me wrong. I've got people I have connections with, love dearly, and would definetly go to about all the big things in my life, but no one really in my life.

I had a birthday party about a month ago. At the beginning of the party I had some friends there who I really love and care about, and I know who are the same with me. I was so happy to have Daniel, Lindsey, and Eric there. They left after about an hour due to some things they couldn't avoid. I was left with some family, and people I've known for awhile. But I don't think they were there for me. I think they were there for the fun. And they were THERE. The people I wanted to be there weren't. But I can't talk to the people that were or are there. They wouldn’t relate even if they cared. The people that might care wouldn't be able to relate cuz they all have someone close, relatable, a friend.

I have never gone through a time when I didn't have friends. The past year has been the most intensely difficult as far as that goes. I've always had companionship, something to do, people to talk to, someone I could relate to. I don't have that anymore. What really stinks is the one who is supposed to be my best friend isn't. I don't have a best friend anymore. God I miss her... and we live in the same house. I don't think she misses me.

I'm not gonna sit here and try to act like I am just venting and will be ok, or I am just trying to analyze things. Becuz honestly, this hurts. I AM ALONE. My Mom can't share in all my joy, becuz she doesn't agree with where some of that comes from. I can't share my loneliness with people I would be close to, because they have a sole someone. NO, stop! Don't tell me about how it's just a phase, or how it's just something I'm having to go through, or anything like that. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of those lame explanations. They don't make me feel any better for your information.

Sometimes I get a longing where I feel like I wanna run away so bad. Instead of getting off at my exit, I wanna leave my car in drive, and leave it all behind (John Mayer's "Why Georgia"). What would that secure? Nothing, I know already. I'm tired of feeling deserted. And if you are reading this, do not try to contact me and say how sorry you are for me, and try to cheer me up by telling me you'll be my friend. I'm supposed to feel better on the account of pity? Don't even.

God, I have not forgotten you in all of this. I know you are always here with me, I know you are always sitting here crying with me, hating the pain I'm going through just like I am. I know you felt lonely, I know your son did. Gosh I can't imagine having to go through that time in Gethsemane alone. Having to go wake up your supposed friends after only one hour, when you were praying about your inevitable soon coming death. Sweating so intensely, blood is flowing out of your pores.

I'm sorry I get to this point sometimes. I know you can relate. You've gone through it way worse than I have, or ever will. I know that. I'm sorry for being such a fool about things. I pray Lord that you would increase the patience, strength, and motivation in me to just do your will. I know you will bring the people I need in my life at the appointed time, and may I not be so busy minded that I don't take a look at what's in front of me when it is.

I always tend to come back to 2 lines in 2 Waterdeep songs that always help my resolve. "I just get lonely sometimes, but I know I just need you." "Oh God. It hurts so bad to love anybody down here. But oh, that's right. You know so well: one thorn crown, three nails and a spear."